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"The Heaviest Text in the West"
Now Playing: "Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi
Campus election season is just around the corner in colleges across
Canada, and students are practically crapping their collective pants
from not caring at all. Maybe it's because no student ever elected
to a university government position has ever accomplished anything
greater than getting a third coke machine installed in the
cafeteria, but I think it's high time we took a closer look at the
young men and women who make up the diverse body known as campus
politicians. That way you can identify them from a safe distance and
avoid eye contact before their gaze turns you into a gorgon-style
stone statue, kind of like in Mario 3 when you put on the Tanooki
suit, only less fun. Here's what happened.
-The Hippie Elitist: This refreshing spin on the hippie movement
takes the misguided "free love" concept and combines it with
Abercrombie & Fitch Birkenstocks and a $300 haircut designed to make
it appear as though the person hasn't gotten a haircut in months. If
elected, the hippie elitist promises to ban all non-organic coffee
from campus, thus increasing the price of a cup-a-joe to just under
the cost of his bad haircut. The hippie elitist promises to legalize
marijuana on campus, which sounds like a pretty hot selling point if
it were true. You'll see me breastfeeding the Loch Ness monster
before pot is made legal.
-The Stubborn Misinformed: This peculiar fellow runs for office
without ever having picked up a newspaper or tuned in to a news show
that doesn't begin with the word "Sports" and end with the word
"Center." Instead, the Stubborn Misinformed prefers to obtain all
his information regarding world events from the hilarious and deeply
unbiased Daily Show. The Stubborn Misinformed's platform consists
entirely of two planks: "George Bush is a Jerk" and "Holy God Is
George Bush Ever a Jerk." If elected, the Stubborn Misinformed
intends to form a cabinet comprised entirely of his close friends
and his Dachshund "Inky," who will be campus treasurer.
-The Artsy Recluse: This candidate stands out primarily because she
has a name like "Bettina" or "Ethel," and also because her posters
are the only ones on campus that don't look like the result of an
unfortunate accident involving brown paper and raccoon vomit. The
Artsy Recluse promises that, if elected, she will ensure that
artists on campus are no longer marginalized as the scum of the
earth everybody secretly knows they are. Being a recluse, the Artsy
Recluse does not make speeches nor does she aggressively court
voters. Instead, she relies on her intricate campaign posters ("Vote
for Me - I Can Draw Better Than You") to pull her through the home
stretch. Good luck with that, Ethel.
-The Conservative Zealot: This comforting alternative to the hippie
elitist promises to ban all on-campus abortions, gay marriages and
Islamic holy wars. Unlike most other candidates, the Conservative
Zealot dresses in a full suit and tie even when he's not
campaigning. Do not anger the Conservative Zealot, as he has the
power to foreclose your home at will. Do not be threatened by this
seemingly omnipotent being, as he probably has some drug and
molestation charges in his past that he'd prefer to keep buried. Use
this to your advantage.
-The Editor-in-Chief: As per tradition, the campus newspaper's
Editor-in-Chief will be running on the tried and tested platform of
"I Write for the Campus Newspaper - Somebody Pay Attention to Me."
With such hard-hitting journalistic gems as "Oliver Stone's
Alexander a Dud" and "Cafeteria to Serve Green Tea on St. Patrick's
Day" under his belt, the Editor-in-Chief will inevitably
lose the election in a landslide and write
countless editorials about how the system is rigged by
bureaucratic Nazis that nobody will read because it's in a fucking
campus newspaper. Heck I only read it for comedy ideas.
-The Token Minority: Originally a spot reserved solely for
African-Canadians (it sounds funny to me, too), this member now
varies by university because some campuses do not have an abundance
of, as retired Senator Trent Lott calls them, "coloreds." Be it a
Negro, an Asian or (improbably) an East-Indian, there is always one
minority who thinks he can compete with the white majority and
intends to prove it by throwing his turban into the ring. And if you
think that was a completely racist and inappropriate thing to say
you obviously haven't read enough of
this column. Praise Allah!
-The Libertarian Douchebag: There's more to being a Libertarian
than not wearing your seatbelt and owning a gun even if you don't
know how to use one. The Libertarian Douchebag brilliantly
illustrates the "live and let live" attitude of his political
philosophy by cramming it in your face at every possible
opportunity. Basically, the Libertarian Douchebag believes that all
drugs should be legalized, except hard drugs...or maybe those too, I
forget. He will disseminate this uber-important campaign platform by
getting stoned and handing out approximately 18 jillion
black-and-white pamphlets to anybody foolish enough to get within
his throwing range (6.2 feet). If you in any way imply that you
disagree with even a small portion of what the Libertarian Douchebag
has to say he will call you a fascist and print out a bunch more
pamphlets with a photoshopped picture of you standing beside Adolf
Hitler. What can you do? He's a free spirit.
-The Student Athlete: For some reason, there's always a student
athlete who runs a moderately successful, yet losing campaign. You'd
think he'd be too busy studenting and athleting to have time to run
for elected office, but that's because I just put those words in
your mouth to illustrate my point. Because the Student Athlete tends
to have the popular "six-pack" abs, he is tremendously popular with
the female voters (not to mention the majority of male theater
majors). The Student Athlete is also rich in charisma, defined as
"lack of cerebral function." While this may prove an asset out in
the real world, where intelligence is considered a liability, the
Student Athlete's political career falls short in a college
environment, where the majority of his following is too busy
masturbating to his picture on the pamphlet to rock the vote.
-The Wannabe Anarchist: I don't know if the best way to promote
anarchy is through organized political campaigning, but there you
go. This candidate downloaded "The Anarchist's Cookbook" off a BBS
when he was 12 years old but didn't have the gonads to actually make
a Molotov cocktail out of a tennis ball. His pent-up sexual
frustration has remained bottled up inside, and the only way he can
express himself is by associating himself with the goths, who treat
him like a king because he talks about one day overthrowing the
government. The Wannabe Anarchist will drop out of the race as soon
as he gets drunk and nails a fat chick. Sorry but it's true.
-The Law School Hopeful: This person does not care about politics,
government or people in general. He is merely trying to pad his law
school application and provide empirical evidence for his leadership
(also defined as "lack of cerebral function"). If elected, he will
accomplish nothing and somehow drive tuition fees up in the process.
Ladies and gentlemen: Your next class president.
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