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"Future Home of Major Class-Action Lawsuit"
Now Playing: "40 Feet" by Franz Ferdinand
Say what you will about the creators of the short-lived hit
television series "Jackass" (I know I do) but those guys are
creative. Consider the number of different ways they have managed to
hurt themselves using only items found around the houses of the
criminally insane. I bet you never even THOUGHT of putting a staple
gun to your forehead. If those Jackass guys ever put their mind to
it I bet they'd even find a cure for AIDS, but it would probably
involve getting kicked in the crotch by a llama and therefore some
people would still choose the AIDS. I'm convinced, based on very
poor evidence, that the Jackass people are secretly the smartest
people on Earth. So now that their show has gotten tiresome even
among potheads I have devised a few other projects they could put
their infinite wisdom towards. Here's what happened:
-Project #1 - Build Perpetual
Motion Machine: Leave it to Jackass alumni to solve a problem
that has plagued mankind ever since Sir Isaac "Ike" Newton
discovered the universe in 1492. Using only a box of elbow macaroni,
duct tape and a large coil of tungsten, the cast of Jackass will
build a thoroughly useless yet scientifically baffling perpetual
motion machine. Additional tungsten will be supplied if the
participants happen to eat the first coil, which let's face it they
almost certainly will.
-Project #2 - Discover Life On Mars: Everybody knows that in
addition to being professional skateboarders, crash test dummies and
organ donors, Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera et al also lead a secret
double life as astronauts. Of course if everybody knows about this
than it's hardly a secret life at all, but that's besides the point.
I think we're long overdue for some finality on the whole "life on
Mars" debate, and the cast of Jackass has just the people to provide
us with said finality. We've let scientists handle this for too long
now, and all they've been able to churn out is that Mars contains
ice. The cast of Jackass will venture to the Red Planet, sort of
like in the movie "Red Planet," and find the hidden colonies of Mars
so they can use the ice to make popsicles and apply for an NHL
franchise.
-Project #3 - Figure Out Why
Vegetarians Are So Goddamn Stupid:
Listen, if you don't want to eat meat that's your business. It's a
life choice and I respect that. I don't want to eat human feces, so
I don't judge somebody just because their tastes differ from mine.
But what's the deal with PETA getting mad at Jimmy Carter because
he's a fisherman? And throwing paint at people wearing fur coats?
What is that all about? This project will begin with the Jackass
folks going deep undercover, figuring out whether vegetarians are
really organisms composed entirely out of intolerance and hate, or
if they're just mentally retarded. The project will end with Steve-O
sodomizing PETA president Ingrid Newkirk with a zucchini.
-Project #4 - Discredit Holistic Medicine Once and for All:
Holistic medicine, for those of you fortunate enough not to have
heard the term before, refers to medicine which in no way helps or
cures any disease or ailment. Let's say you have some terrible pain
in your leg. If you were to go to a fancy-shmantzy doctor with a
diploma and an office and everything he'd probably make you get
X-rays, have some tests, and prescribe some medication to ease the
pain. Not so with a holistic healer! If you went to a holistic
healer for the exact same problem he'd tell you God was angry with
you and you need to eat flaxseed to get your chi back into flow. If
you understood over 50% of that last sentence I hate you. It will
take a concerted effort by the cast of Jackass, possibly involving
an inverted port-o-potty, to get the miserable scum known as
holistic healers to admit they're a bunch of con artists or else
risk drowning in a sea of human excrement and herbal tea.
-Project #5 - Arm-Wrestle Jesus
and Win: This two-pronged project involves key Jackass
personalities to locate the son of our lord, Jesus Christ, and
defeat him in an arm-wrestling competition (best two out of three is
acceptable). Locating Jesus is the tricky bit, because he's been
dead for at least 20 years and he doesn't cast a reflection. The
Jackass crew will have to bring their "A" Game if they want to
complete this task. Crucifixes and garlic are an absolute must, as
J.C. has attained superhuman strength ever since he shuffled off
this mortal coil, and he will stop at nothing to feast on the blood
of the living. Godspeed.
-Project #6 - Beat My High Score at Tetris: While not
necessarily the most important of projects, it's certainly the only
project thus far that involves me in some way. You see I've gotten
really good at Tetris ever since I stopped having friends, and it's
gotten to the point where there's just no challenge anymore. That's
why I need an action-hero-style man (or woman) (probably a man,
though, let's be serious) to beat my Tetris High Score. The cast of
Jackass, surviving on a steady diet of Bible, bread and beatings
(and whey protein supplements) will attempt to best my score by any
means necessary, although those means will probably just include a
lot of free time and a Game Boy. Still, it's gonna be fun.
-Project #7 - Save The Rainforest: The rainforest needs our
help, and by "our" I mean "the people from the show Jackass." I'd do
it myself but I hear they don't have Wendy's in the Amazon. Also I
have a dentist appointment in a bit. Anyhow, the rainforest was
doing just fine until some humans decided to meddle with the natural
order of things and destroy a fragile and delicate ecosystem. So
some other humans went in there to meddle with the actions of the
first group of humans and attempt to set things right, which only
made matters worse. It's going to take a third group of humans,
Jackass humans to be exact, to turn the situation around and
preserve life for countless plant and animal species. Or just blow
the fucker up and every endangered species in it. Frankly I'm pretty
tired of the whole rainforest angle and I'm not sure why I even
brought it up just now.
-Project #8 - Teach Republicans to Dance: This will be the
most challenging project to date, partly because Republicans are
white people who are therefore missing the "rhythm" gene, and partly
because the Jackass people are white as well. Actually there might
be a black guy among them, in which case he should probably head up
this project. After watching the Republican National Convention on
C-Span this past summer, it became painfully obvious that
Republicans can't dance even to country music, which is so easy to
dance to one of the steps involves orally pleasuring a blood
relative. It's up to the cast of Jackass, hopefully led by a black
guy, to perform a Pygmalion-esque transformation on key Republicans.
Upon completing this task, the Republicans will have the black guy
incarcerated for no readily apparent reason and then go back to
shooting tin cans or drinking goat placentas or whatever the hell
Republicans do for fun.
-Project #9 - Murder Anyone With Even A Mild Interest In NASCAR:
Let's face it, this project has been a long time coming. Did you
know that when ALL the cars are driving 200mph they all look like
they're going the same speed? It's true. If you derive any pleasure
whatsoever from watching cars drive around in circles for hours on
end you deserve to be gunned down in some Colombine-esque style
shooting rampage that, although highly controversial, is the perfect
job for the Jackass crew in your life. The best part is since NASCAR
fans come from the south it's not like anybody's going to miss them.
Am I right or am I right?
-Project #10 - Get Text-Heavy Cancelled Faster than a Failed
Jason Alexander Sitcom: Have you read it lately? Who in their
right mind
passes off 2000 words about cotton candy
as comedy?
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