My Highs and Lows in Ohio

Don't blame me, the Percocet practically wrote this column.

Girl taking a Percocet pill

Please forgive me if this column reads like nonsense and, for lack of a better literary phrase, complete piss. I'm currently high on Percocet while writing on a brand new computer that I still don't know how to use. The monitor keeps going back to some login screen and I can't tell if I'm actually doing it myself or if I'm hallucinating. Like last night, when I hallucinated myself into an episode of NCIS because that's all I've been watching for the past four days. I suppose I should back up and explain myself a bit.

It's been a bumpy road for me since March. The Percocet is a welcome vacation in Ashley World. First off, the Percocet. While I do enjoy the occasional recreational use of an over-the-counter medicinal, this one is prescribed. You see, I've been having really bad abdominal pain lately and they've decided to go the experimental route and take out my gallbladder because, to quote my doctor, "there's a 50/50 chance that MIGHT be the problem, though I can't say without absolute certainty the surgery will work." Needless to say, my confidence in the medical profession is swelling as of late.

So last Friday they went in and took out the old gallbladder and I've been bouncing back and forth between blissful highs and shit tons of pain since. I'm really hoping they figured out the problem because I haven't had a bowel movement in five days and I've been needing to fart since Saturday. (I'm blaming any embarrassing revelations on the Percocet.)

Next, let me get to the computer situation. About two months ago, my computer crashed, and despite my best efforts to fix it (hitting it repeatedly, shaking it, pushing a lot of buttons), nothing seemed to work. I finally caved and bought a new one, knowing I'd be bedridden for a week while my insides healed. This also explains my lack of posts recently (that and I'm lazy). Oh, also in that two month period, my car got stolen, I moved back across the country to Ohio, and a bunch of other things happened that I won't bore you with. Needless to say, however, it's been a bumpy road for me since March. The Percocet is a welcome vacation in Ashley World.

Not that my life has been in complete shambles; there's always a silver lining. For example, I got to purchase a new car, which I am enjoying very much. Now all I have to do is hit a button to roll down the window, as opposed to reaching across the front seat while driving 80 down the freeway and attempting to turn the knob and not run into a median. I'll miss the challenge, I admit. I also have this new laptop, which doesn't require me to plug the power cord in at just the right angle in order to turn it on, which is taking some getting used to. I'm not accustomed to not having to put in thirty minutes and a great deal of effort just to get my laptop to power up.

It's also nice to be back in Ohio, amongst a much saner set of people than Los Angeles. Again, it's taken some getting used to, but not having to sit in traffic every day for two hours just to go five miles has been pretty refreshing. They say you can never go home again, but I disagree. I think that as long as you're surrounded by the right set of people, any place can be home. Wow, the narcotics have made me really sentimental. If someone wants something from me, now's the time to ask because I'm medicated enough that I just might oblige. I'm going to wrap this up before I start thanking people or, god forbid, showing appreciation and mending bridges.

Here's to more updates, or at least NCIS recaps.

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