Cold Beer in Cans (A Dr. Seuss Collaboration)

A Posthumous Collaboration by Dr. Seuss and Alex Bash

After I read the poem below aloud, listeners/fucktards sometimes ask me, "Alex, does this follow the Green Eggs and Ham format to a T? Or did you change some formatting around to make it work?" The embalming fluid practically spews from Geisel's ears in frustration, but I manage to calm him.

I really like cold beer in cans / I really like them, slammed-I-am"Yes, douchebag," I calmly respond, "It does follow the original to a T. It also follows it to a U, and then to a V, and all the way down W, X, Y, and Z. However, I was admittedly drunk when I wrote this, and too hungover to do a proper check, so if you do scour through and find anything out of sync with the Seuss classic...then, well, you have way too fucking much time on your hands. Get a hobby."

(The whole "get a job" thing seems sort of tasteless in this economic environment. Also, my audience is usually 2nd and 3rd graders, who shouldn't be stitching together clothes for at least a few more years).

So, without further adieu, I give you myself and Theodor Seuss Geisel's latest work of genius...

Cold Beer in Cans
(to the tune of Green Eggs and Ham)

I am slammed
I am slammed
Slammed-I-am

That slammed-I-am
That slammed-I-am
I really like
That slammed-I-am

Do you like cold beer in cans?

I really like them, slammed-I-am
I really like cold beer in cans

Would you like them here or there?

I'd like to drink them here or there
I'd like to drink them anywhere
I really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

Would you like them in a frat?
Would you like them from a hat?

I'd really like them in a frat
I'd really like them from a hat
I'd like to drink them here or there
I'd like to drink them anywhere
I really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

Would you drink them from a box?
Would you try some on the rocks?

Drink from a box.
Try on the rocks.
Drink in a frat.
Drink from a hat.
I'd like to drink them here or there
I'd like to drink them anywhere
I really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

Would you? Could you?
In a bar?
Pound them! Pound them!
Here they are!

I would so,
Could so,
Pound in a bar.

I really like them.
You will see.
I'd like to slam some
From a tree!

I would so, could so slam from a tree.
I'll pound in a bar! You let me be!

I'd really like them in a frat.
I'll try some cold ones from a hat.
I always drink them from a box.
I'd like to try some on the rocks.
I'd like to drink them here or there
I'd like to drink them anywhere
I really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

A bong! A bong!
A bong! A bong!
Could you, would you,
Drink from a bong?

Drink from a bong! Slam from a tree!
Pound in the bar! Drink with me!

I would so, could so, in a frat.
I would so, could so, from a hat.
I love to pull them from a box.
I think I'll try some on the rocks.
I'd like to drink them here or there
I'd like to drink them anywhere
I really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

In the lawn?
Here in the lawn!
Would you, could you drink on the lawn?

I would so, could so,
Drink on the lawn.

Would you, could you, with a goat?

I would so, could so,
Drink with a goat.

Pound in the bar. Drink on the lawn.
Slam from a tree. Drink from a bong.

Drink in a frat. Pull from a box.
Drink from a hat. Pour on the rocks.
I'd like to drink them here or there.
I'd like to drink them anywhere!

Do you like cold beer in cans?

I really like them, slammed-I-am.

Would you, could you
On a boat?

I would so, could so,
Sip on a boat.

Would you, could you,
With a goat?

I would so love to,
Drink with a goat.

I would so, could so, sip on a boat.
I'd love to drink beer with a goat.
I'd shotgun cold ones on the lawn.
I suck them down from a beer bong.
I'd slam a cold one from a tree!
I'll pound in a bar! Come drink with me!
I'll gladly pull them from a box.
And pour some warm ones on the rocks.
I'd drink a ton inside a frat.
I'd try to lap some from a hat.
I'd like to drink them here or there
I'd like to drink them ANYWHERE!

I love to drink cold beer in cans!

I really like them, slammed-I-am!

I really like them, so I say.
I'll drink them! Pound them!
Slam away!

If you drink them, you will see.
The happiness that comes to me.
Every time I pop a top
The happiness I feel goes up!

Drink on a boat!
Drink with a goat!
Drink on the lawn!
Drink from a bong!
Drink from a tree!
Drink in a bar!
Come drink with me!
Drink from a box!
Drink on the rocks!
Drink in a frat!
Drink from a hat!
Drink here!
Drink there!
Drink ANYWHERE!

I do so like cold beer in cans
I really like them SLAMMED-I-AM!