A Posthumous Collaboration by Dr. Seuss and Allen Waters

After I read the poem below aloud, listeners/fucktards sometimes ask me, "Allen, does this follow the Green Eggs and Ham format to a T? Or did you change some formatting around to make it work?" The embalming fluid practically spews from Geisel’s ears in frustration, but I manage to calm him.

I really like cold beer in cans / I really like them, slammed-I-am"Yes, douchebag," I calmly respond, "It does follow the original to a T. It also follows it to a U, and then to a V, and all the way down W, X, Y, and Z. However, I was admittedly drunk when I wrote this, and too hungover to do a proper check, so if you do scour through and find anything out of sync with the Seuss classic…then, well, you have way too fucking much time on your hands. Get a hobby."

(The whole "get a job" thing seems sort of tasteless in this economic environment. Also, my audience is usually 2nd and 3rd graders, who shouldn’t be stitching together clothes for at least a few more years).

So, without further adieu, I give you myself and Theodor Seuss Geisel’s latest work of genius…

Cold Beer in Cans
(to the tune of Green Eggs and Ham)

I am slammed
I am slammed
Slammed-I-am

Dr. Seuss stampThat slammed-I-am
That slammed-I-am
I really like
That slammed-I-am

Do you like cold beer in cans?

I really like them, slammed-I-am
I really like cold beer in cans

Would you like them here or there?

I’d like to drink them here or there
I’d like to drink them anywhere
I really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

Would you like them in a frat?
Would you like them from a hat?

I’d really like them in a frat
I’d really like them from a hat
I’d like to drink them here or there
I’d like to drink them anywhere
I really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

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Would you drink them from a box?
Would you try some on the rocks?

Drink from a box.
Try on the rocks.
Drink in a frat.
Dr. Seuss HatDrink from a hat.
I’d like to drink them here or there
I’d like to drink them anywhere
I really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

Would you? Could you?
In a bar?
Pound them! Pound them!
Here they are!

I would so,
Could so,
Pound in a bar.

I really like them.
You will see.
I’d like to slam some
From a tree!

I would so, could so slam from a tree.
I’ll pound in a bar! You let me be!

I’d really like them in a frat.
I’ll try some cold ones from a hat.
I always drink them from a box.
I’d like to try some on the rocks.
I’d like to drink them here or there
I’d like to drink them anywhere
I really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

A bong! A bong!
A bong! A bong!
Could you, would you,
Drink from a bong?

Drink from a bong! Slam from a tree!
Pound in the bar! Drink with me!

I would so, could so, in a frat.
I would so, could so, from a hat.
I love to pull them from a box.
I think I’ll try some on the rocks.
I’d like to drink them here or there
I’d like to drink them anywhere
Old Style canned beerI really like cold beer in cans
I really like them, slammed-I-am

In the lawn?
Here in the lawn!
Would you, could you drink on the lawn?

I would so, could so,
Drink on the lawn.

Would you, could you, with a goat?

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I would so, could so,
Drink with a goat.

Pound in the bar. Drink on the lawn.
Slam from a tree. Drink from a bong.

Drink in a frat. Pull from a box.
Drink from a hat. Pour on the rocks.
I’d like to drink them here or there.
I’d like to drink them anywhere!

Do you like cold beer in cans?

I really like them, slammed-I-am.

Would you, could you
On a boat?

I would so, could so,
Sip on a boat.

Would you, could you,
With a goat?

I would so love to,
Drink with a goat.

I would so, could so, sip on a boat.
I’d love to drink beer with a goat.
I’d shotgun cold ones on the lawn.
I suck them down from a beer bong.
I’d slam a cold one from a tree!
I’ll pound in a bar! Come drink with me!
I’ll gladly pull them from a box.
And pour some warm ones on the rocks.
I’d drink a ton inside a frat.
I’d try to lap some from a hat.
I’d like to drink them here or there
I’d like to drink them ANYWHERE!

I love to drink cold beer in cans!

I really like them, slammed-I-am!

I really like them, so I say.
I’ll drink them! Pound them!
Slam away!

If you drink them, you will see.
The happiness that comes to me.
Every time I pop a top
The happiness I feel goes up!

Slammed I Am GrinchDrink on a boat!
Drink with a goat!
Drink on the lawn!
Drink from a bong!
Drink from a tree!
Drink in a bar!
Come drink with me!
Drink from a box!
Drink on the rocks!
Drink in a frat!
Drink from a hat!
Drink here!
Drink there!
Drink ANYWHERE!

I do so like cold beer in cans
I really like them SLAMMED-I-AM!