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Hello, I’m internet sensation Cole F. M., and today I bring you happy, joyous news. News about the beautiful, golden age we live in. And what age is that, you ask? Well, two thousand and fifteen, for you literal types in the audience. What are you even doing here, anyway?

But for the rest of you and your wondering, we live in an age where we can watch a live stream of all the porn-related terms being searched on the internet.

I’ll let the majesty soak in for a bit.

Don’t let it soak too long though, it could leave a stain.

Did you even know that you wanted to live in a world where watching a live feed of porn search terms is a thing? Because I didn’t. But now that I know it’s an option, I never want to go back to that dark and slightly less sticky world we lived in before. I’ve never been happier.

Screenshot of a man in glasses watching porn on the laptop

How is this magic possible, you ask?

Through the magic of PornMD. (Warning, link about as NSFW as freaking possible, unless you actually work at PornMD, and even then, some of the shit there is probably pretty damning.)

What is PornMD, you ask, because you are a fictional person I’m writing into existence for the purposes of this column and I dictate your questions?

I’m glad you brought that up.

The honest, hardworking (hah!) people over at PornHub decided to get together and throw all of the search terms accrued from every website they own (a lot, apparently) and just stream them live.

That’s it.

Or, well, that’s the only part I give a shit about. There seem to be entire chunks of PornMD devoted to pictures and videos and such, but fuck it (ha!), I only care about the live stream.

It’s this simple: people’s porn search terms scroll down the screen.

That’s it. I don’t know if it’s actually live, or just taken from the day before or something, but it’s comedy gold, regardless. Oh, and soul scarring. I feel like a demon took a shit in my brain, and not in the sexy way. I didn’t want to know a lot of the things the world apparently jerks it to. But now I do.

But all of that soul scarring aside, there’s some hilarious shit on there. So I put on my internetting hat, sat down, and watched. Oh how I watched. And I wrote down my musings on some of the more hilarious things people searched for.

…Yeah, it’s kind of a lazy column, but I just wrote a three-part epic about my harrowing experiences spending two months in and out of German hospitals; I’ve earned a lazy article.

Everything in italics and quotation marks is a verbatim term that someone actually searched for.

  1. "Dragon Ball Z Grapefruit" and "mystery package (ghost?)" are apparently things people need to wank it to.
  2. "Sunny outdoor massage" doesn’t sound like it would even necessarily have to be something with visible genitals but hey I’ve been proven wrong before.
  3. "Cliff rubbing" proves that it’s hard to spell properly with one hand.
  4. "Has nipples" proves that there is apparently an entire genre of nipple-less pornography that I’ve been unaware of until now.
  5. "cougars and kittens" is a term that, while sensible, is also still hilarious to me.
  6. "Hypno Lesbian Mind Control" makes me think that maybe the plot in pornos should get a bit more credit, but then I see stuff like "anal avalanche" and I’m all like nevermind.
  7. "Ahme Sweater" could be a porn star who I’m unaware of, or maybe a simple typo, but I prefer to think of it as a clothing-related exclamation. Is there a genre of porn where people get all hot and bothered about questionable fashion choices?
  8. "Pissing Music Video" has me curious, but not really curious enough.
  9. "Zipper Rimjob" makes me think that someone either isn’t sure what a rimjob is, or has very different pants then me, or maybe I just have an odd, zipperless butthole. Thoughts?
  10. "dirty talking aeroplane" makes me think that someone mixed up a couple of different search terms, but I’ll be damned if I don’t actually hope that that’s a real thing.
  11. I don’t know what a "Sybian" is, but I know I probably don’t want to see Octomom riding one. (Did a Google image search for "Sybian"; wouldn’t recommend it.)
  12. "Diving underwater," and "mountain climbing" make me feel like either porn got really adventurous at some point, or someone is mixing up their Google and PornHub search boxes. But then I see stuff like "run run jump sex" and I think it’s actually probably that first thing.
  13. I get that "china sex tape" is either in reference to just general Chinese sex tapes, or maybe a porn star/actress with China in her name, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like one afternoon the whole of China got together and banged in front of a camera. Makes that whole "great push forward" thing from a while back a lot funnier, eh? (Yeah, I know it was "leap" forward. No, I won’t apologize for misquoting to make that joke.)
  14. "Sensual perfect" sounds like one of those intangible concepts they keep insisting we name candles after, like "joy," or "happy memories." At least if it was a candle, it would probably smell better than "endless anal."
  15. "Hardcore kitchen sex" is pretty self-explanatory, really, but in my literal mind I pictured a dishwasher with a spin-cycle that just won’t quit.
  16. While good practice for when the baby has to come out, I really doubt "pregnant fisting" is a medically recognized preparation technique.
  17. "Backfro" sounds like an unfortunate hair-related medical condition.
  18. "ISIS love squirt" tells us that either porn plots are getting ludicrously specific, or someone has a really misinformed idea of what that group does.
  19. "manila exposed" sounds like a documentary on scandals in an Office Max or some shit.
  20. Apparently "or some shit" is also a search term. I am not surprised. Merely humbled.
  21. Again, terms like "big ass Acrab" are obvious typos, but don’t act like you don’t want to see Big Ass Crab team up with Backfro to fight crime.
  22. "Iran hentai" makes me think that at least one person on the internet doesn’t understand what censorship laws are.
  23. "Encased in concrete" just sounds like somebody on a budget disastrously trying to recreate the carbonite scene from The Empire Strikes Back.
  24. "sexy patty cake" is probably not a thing that should fucking exist.
  25. "midget monster." I’m just gonna let your imagination run for a while on that one.
  26. I hope you weren’t too attached to calling me Cole, because now I have to go and legally change my name to "Alphaporn Booty Butt."
  27. "homemade cum" …I was shockingly unaware of any other varieties.
  28. HAhAHHAAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAH …"ass parade."
  29. People searching "g spot technique" give me hope that at least some people view pornography as the sort of thing they can really learn from.
  30. "how to stay hard" and "bootytalk" back that theory up.
  31. I really like when people add adjectives like "extreme" to words like "fisting," as if there was any other kind. Like, is there a whole genre of benign and gentle fisting?
  32. The single word "twice" leaves so many questions in the mind of those who care to ask them.
  33. "girls making themselves cum with using their hands" makes me think this dude needs to learn how to condense sentences by using more descriptive, concise terminology.
  34. If you get caught knowing that you’re going to "get caught," can you really say that you’re "intentionally getting caught masturbating"? Or are you just jacking it next to someone?
  35. "Intense incense" actually sounds like a legit name for like, a hookah lounge or something.
  36. "doctor gives her…" don’t pull that fucking triple dot ellipses bullshit on me, motherfucker. The doctor gives her what?! What the hell are you implying with that "…" noise? Damn, man.
  37. Never have I been more intrigued, yet so sure I don’t actually want to know what something means, than having seen the term "Asian night vision."
  38. The level of intrigue and subterfuge in "mystery blowjob" must be astounding.
  39. "asstounding" is unsurprisingly a search term.
  40. "good indian colleges" just makes it sound like someone is looking out for their future.
  41. "lots of beads" could be about arts and crafts but I guess that would be sort of optimistic, huh?
  42. "ax girlfriend revenge" is both a probable typo and the name of next summer’s biggest horror movie starring Matthew McConaughey and Rene Zellweger.
  43. "1cock between two mouth" sounds like there’s at least one penis out there that’s only actually violating the laws of physics.
  44. "Interracial tyranny" actually sounds like a political thriller starring Djimon Huonsou and maybe Idris Elba or something.
  45. "swimming in clothes" sounds less like a form of sex act and more like something someone thought up at the last minute during a particularly lazy game of Truth or Dare.
  46. I love the ambiguity offered by phrases like "Amateur Jacuzzi." It’s like yeah, it could be a sex thing, but you don’t know… maybe it’s like an upkeep and maintenance manual?
  47. It’s been well over an hour at this point and "The Dreaded Whipping Hour" wins as my favorite title so far.
  48. "wedding night missionary posistion" makes me think someone out there doesn’t know how to dream big with their search terms.
  49. "iButt" sounds like either a really lame or a really awesome sequel to iRobot, depending on your personal tastes.
  50. "disco sandles" just sounds like a neat dance move or maybe a trendy bar by the beach. A really hip beach.
  51. "jerkoff surprise" makes it sound like, yeah, it’ll probably be sperm that’ll come out, but it could be a tiger.
  52. "oh no" just leaves so many unanswered questions.
  53. "cum race" actually just sounds totally hilarious, if you think about it. (I’m sorry I made you think about that.)
  54. "sweet piece of ash" is another in a long game of misspelled hilarity…or horrendous Pokémon-themed porn.
  55. Okay, never mind, "Monstercock pussyhunter" is my new legal name. Then I’ll need to become a judge so they have to call me out before every case. "The honorable Judge Monstercock Pussyhunter is both presiding and hilarious."
  56. I’m going to start signing all greeting cards with "anally yours."

So, there you go. That was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever had published. Sorry I made you read all that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go waste another afternoon on PornMD. Wish me luck.

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