« Back to Top Ten Places Sex is Overrated, Part 1

5. While Driving

The movie The Chase comes to mind whenever I think of anyone having sex AND driving. There go Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson barreling down the road being chased by every cop in the world it seems and they simply have no other place to do it than right there in the car going a hundred miles an hour. Read More »

(Scene: KC drives in his complete chick magnet Ford Focus on the highway during rush hour Denver traffic.)

BRAIN: Oh my God this is fucking awful! I'm fucking freaking out man. Look at all these cars and how fast they're going! Give me a fucking Valium. Read More »

We've all seen it in the movies. We've all fantasized about it. Hell, some of us have even gone out and tried it for ourselves. I'm talking about that super sultry place to have sex, that in your mind seems sizzling and amazing, but in reality, because of logistics, is not all you built it up to be. Read More »

Yo, my name's Tiquasha Jackson. If there's one thing I've learned from growing up on the rough streets of anywhere black people live, it's that anywhere black people live it's a rough street. Ever since White Flight, black people have been popping up in more and more rural areas, infecting the neighborhood with drugs and crime. Read More »

(Scene: A dark hospital corridor near the morgue. Orderlies run around trying to figure out why all the body bags are moving and what all the banging is from the corpse cooling machine. A body covered by a sheet moves into the shot. Then it sits up revealing the incredibly handsome [but alas, dead] face of everybody's favorite person in the world: KC!)

Read More »

I'm a paranoid smoker. Mostly because I worry that everybody knows I'm high. But the fact is, everybody does know I'm high because my eyes get big, I laugh at everything, and I constantly look around at stuff or get distracted by shiny colors. Read More »

Dear Fugly,

I find Kim Kardashian's ass to be alluring, yet a disgusting blob at the same time. It seems to be attractive under those sexual pencil skirts, but whenever she's at the beach, that mysterious rump is covered beneath a sarong. Just what is going on under there? More importantly, do I want to know what lies beneath the fabric? Read More »

A lot of rabid Mooseheads out there assume that because I spend a great deal of time watching movies that prominently feature exploding-headed Nazi zombies and topless vampire prostitutes that I, their favorite columnist, may in fact be "Mr. Halloween" himself. Read More »

We've all been there. We've all experienced it. If you claim you haven't then you're the douchebag friend/co-worker this article is about. I'm referring to the "deer in the headlights" dance everyone does at the end of a group dinner when splitting the check. Read More »

Of all the comedy movie tricks producers can use to captivate their audience, a celebrity cameo is the riskiest. When poorly executed or overused, a cameo can sink a film to the comedic depths of Epic Movie. But when done properly, a featured actor can make a good movie great, enchanting viewers in a way only they could. Read More »

No matter how hard I complain, somehow, the scum of the earth keeps breeding. So here you are, your first and final warning. Don't date these people.

1. Anybody with an Ankle Bracelet Read More »

Is it wrong to want to smash a coffee mug into some woman's wrist if it's for her own good? Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here. I should provide you with the back story first and then ask you the question. Read More »

Dear Fugly,

Why is it that everyone is content to get married, buy a house, and squirt out some babies? None of these things sound appealing to me. I want to answer the call of the wild, throw my money away on rent, and hump anything with a boner and a pulse. Fugly, please tell me about your unique lifestyle choices.

Hugs,
Ann Read More »

The offensive lineman. The assistant to the President of the United States of America. The dude who shovels the elephant poo at the circus. These are the unsung heroes that make our everyday lives livable. Read More »

I'm officially holding interviews for a personal penguin. Your job would basically be to dress up as a penguin and follow me around to parties, restaurants, and social gatherings. You would have to waddle slightly and occasionally make a penguin noise, whatever the hell that actually is (finding out what noise a penguin makes is part of getting the job). Read More »