COLUMNS

The newest column posts on PIC. | View individual columnists' archives »

Sammy Sportface's picture

Words Have No Meaning—Take This Article for Example

Words have no meaning.

Take these, for example.

By reading them you've gained nothing.

You want value from words. You want to be enriched. You don't want people wasting your time. If this goes on for one more paragraph, you will stop reading. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

German is a Lazy Language

German is probably the least sexy sounding language a human can speak without drilling themselves an extra asshole to pronounce new sounds. Or at least that's what a lot of people say. In actuality when actual Germans speak it (and not just your totally "hilarious" friend Todd doing impressions) it sounds pretty much just like any other language. Read More »

Sammy Sportface's picture

Ending "At the End of the Day"

"At the end of the day" is, at the end of the day, one of those phrases like "it is what it is" that we need to eradicate from our daily lives. Read More »

Codie Leiker's picture

Dear Overlord Pence, Of Uterus-Controlling Indiana

Dear Governor Pence,

Can I call you Mike? Or do you prefer Overlord Pence?

Anyway, greetings from Iowa! Now, a busy man like you might be wondering, "Why on Earth is a woman from Iowa emailing me? I've got legislation to pass!" Good question. Read More »

Sammy Sportface's picture

Trump Beach Volleyball

Rub in your Coppertone.

Notice two telephone poles standing erect in front of Donald Trump's beach mansion in Palm Beach, Florida. An orangish-yellowish volleyball net, the colors of Trump's hair depending on the day, hangs between the poles. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

5 Shitty Truths About Doing "Storage Wars" in Real Life

For the past year I've been living in the mountains of Georgia, because Karma is real and sometimes it holds back for a decade or so and then hits you all at once. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

Six Stories from Working at a Southern Thrift Shop

Way back when, I used to have my own small website. It was the kind of site that's regularly featured in conversations that begin with phrases like "Oh hey so you know what was really shitty?" or, "No, I purged that from my memory. With bleach. I bleached my brain because of words you wrote, Cole." Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

The 7 Most Important Cosplays

The internet is absolutely flooded with "best of" cosplay lists. Hundreds of them. Millions of them. More of them than I think there have ever actually been cosplayers at all. And all of them break down into exactly two categories: Read More »

Sammy Sportface's picture

Why You Should Decapitate Yourself

It's not just the nation's $19 trillion debt that you will be paying back the rest of your life toiling in hard and unfulfilling labor.

It's not just the fact that there's this group of people that wants to slice your head off on TV. It's so much more than only that. Read More »

Sammy Sportface's picture

Invite People You Don't Like to Your Super Bowl Party

Be different. Branch out from mainstream America. Throw a Super Bowl party this coming Sunday.

It's a novel idea. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

7 of the Most Stupidly Expensive, Recently Sold Items on eBay

eBay has a magical function that allows you to see what any given item has sold for within the last three months. Read More »

Andrei Trostel's picture

Five Things I'm Looking Forward to in 2016

So here we are again, another year gone and we're all looking to the future. Oh stop it, you really shouldn't dwell in the past, just turn around and look at the future with me. No seriously, look over there. Do you see it? Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

Why Donald Trump's Hair Should Have You Worried

Trump's shitty, stupid hair is legitimately the single most frightening thing about him. I am in no way joking, and I promise I will clarify. But first, I want to say what might very well be the most controversial thing I've ever suggested:

Trump is a smart person. Read More »

Andrei Trostel's picture

We Wish You an Annoying Chistmas

'Tis the season again for being bombarded with really weird Christmas songs that we all sing along to, but haven't really given the underlying message a second thought. So you know what that means, it's time for overanalyzing another Christmas song that you can NEVER EVER hear again without your mind going to a very dark place. Read More »

Sammy Sportface's picture

Revel in Pointlessness

Let's revel in pointlessness. I urge you to lick it like you would raw cookie dough out of a mixing bowl.

Appreciate pointlessness more. Too often it gets shunned and/or kicked to the curb like trash on a street. Undeservedly, it is saddled with a bad, misconstrued reputation. Read More »




To browse individual archives of all columnists, go to the Columns Overview page.
Syndicate content