If you give a Mouse a cookie...

He's going to want a few more. After all, it's buy two get the third half off, so you have to buy in bulk.

After his fifth cookie, the Mouse gets an upset stomach, so he pops a few Alka-Seltzer. The Alka-Seltzer wears off after a few hours, so he takes a few Tums... Read More »

Since I'm on the go and can't be bothered to carry a notebook with me and never thought to buy a portable voice recorder, I send text messages to myself to remind me of column ideas or jokes that I think are funny. But the truth is, most of the time I text myself, I'm in that twilight area between sleep and consciousness. Or I'm really wasted. Read More »

I don't know how many times I have heard a platonic female friend say how hard it is to attract a good man out there, but let's just say it's enough to make my ears bleed more than once a month. What this means, other than the fact that I buy more Tampax than they do now, is that single women are concerned that their dating pool is dwindling, especially as they get older. Read More »

Okay Mac, we get it: you're the best computer known to the universe. Your technology has overpowered other operating systems to the point where they kiss your Intel Core 2 Duo processor. As your advanced hardware slowly turns into a culture trend, none of America can escape your power over the modern technologists. Read More »

The Setup

Lunch break time during one of my summer jobs—at the time I worked as a professional mover in Denver.

The Players

Jay: Old white guy. Swears a lot. Read More »

« Back to Top Ten Places Sex is Overrated, Part 1

5. While Driving

The movie The Chase comes to mind whenever I think of anyone having sex AND driving. There go Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson barreling down the road being chased by every cop in the world it seems and they simply have no other place to do it than right there in the car going a hundred miles an hour. Read More »

(Scene: KC drives in his complete chick magnet Ford Focus on the highway during rush hour Denver traffic.)

BRAIN: Oh my God this is fucking awful! I'm fucking freaking out man. Look at all these cars and how fast they're going! Give me a fucking Valium. Read More »

We've all seen it in the movies. We've all fantasized about it. Hell, some of us have even gone out and tried it for ourselves. I'm talking about that super sultry place to have sex, that in your mind seems sizzling and amazing, but in reality, because of logistics, is not all you built it up to be. Read More »

Yo, my name's Tiquasha Jackson. If there's one thing I've learned from growing up on the rough streets of anywhere black people live, it's that anywhere black people live it's a rough street. Ever since White Flight, black people have been popping up in more and more rural areas, infecting the neighborhood with drugs and crime. Read More »

(Scene: A dark hospital corridor near the morgue. Orderlies run around trying to figure out why all the body bags are moving and what all the banging is from the corpse cooling machine. A body covered by a sheet moves into the shot. Then it sits up revealing the incredibly handsome [but alas, dead] face of everybody's favorite person in the world: KC!)

Read More »

I'm a paranoid smoker. Mostly because I worry that everybody knows I'm high. But the fact is, everybody does know I'm high because my eyes get big, I laugh at everything, and I constantly look around at stuff or get distracted by shiny colors. Read More »

Dear Fugly,

I find Kim Kardashian's ass to be alluring, yet a disgusting blob at the same time. It seems to be attractive under those sexual pencil skirts, but whenever she's at the beach, that mysterious rump is covered beneath a sarong. Just what is going on under there? More importantly, do I want to know what lies beneath the fabric? Read More »

A lot of rabid Mooseheads out there assume that because I spend a great deal of time watching movies that prominently feature exploding-headed Nazi zombies and topless vampire prostitutes that I, their favorite columnist, may in fact be "Mr. Halloween" himself. Read More »

We've all been there. We've all experienced it. If you claim you haven't then you're the douchebag friend/co-worker this article is about. I'm referring to the "deer in the headlights" dance everyone does at the end of a group dinner when splitting the check. Read More »

Of all the comedy movie tricks producers can use to captivate their audience, a celebrity cameo is the riskiest. When poorly executed or overused, a cameo can sink a film to the comedic depths of Epic Movie. But when done properly, a featured actor can make a good movie great, enchanting viewers in a way only they could. Read More »