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Ashley Garmany's picture

Adulting: You're Doing It Wrong

I'm at the age now where I feel like I should've reached the level of full adulthood. Being an adult means a lot of things: being responsible, taking care of yourself, and financially discovering your footing. I often find myself asking, Where am I in the story of my life? Read More »

Ashley Garmany's picture

Advice for Every Age from 1 to 20 Years Old

With my birthday less than a week away, and as the horrifying age of ** approaches like I would Kevin Bacon (barring the restraining order)... you know, slow at first as I don't want to startle him, but with increasing prowess and Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" playing in the background as I pounce... where was I going with this? Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

6 Popular TV Shows I've Never Seen, Summarized

Up until my recent injury (coma-inducing exhaustion brought on from sheer sexual fortitude), I haven't been a big TV watcher. I have not lived in a dwelling with any form of standard television access since I moved out of my parents' place five years ago, and even then, I'm pretty sure they didn't have anything other than basic antenna TV for the last couple of years. Read More »

Simonne Cullen's picture

CrossFit is a Cult

Did you hear the one about the woman who was engaged to a man who decided to marry CrossFit instead? Settle in, I'll tell you her story.

So a friend of a friend got engaged to a very nice man. To prepare for their wedding she told him he needed to lose some weight. She enjoys running 5Ks, 10Ks, marathons, etc. He enjoys Netflix binging, 11pm pizzas, and brewing his own beer. Obviously I am closer to him than I am to her. Regardless, he said he would lose a few pounds so he joined CrossFit on a recommendation from his older brother. Seems legitimate enough. A simple man on a simple quest to look good for his lady—until he got addicted. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

1,000 Ways to Say Penis

Many of my friends have heard rumors of this list. I've mentioned it, quoted it, even shown glimpses of the finished product to some. I've offhandedly mentioned it to many people, usually in reference to "No, really, you don't seem to get just exactly how unproductive I am with my free time."

And now I've finally posted it. Read More »

Ashley Garmany's picture

Two Years of Guilty Pleasures and Questionable Decisions

After taking a couple of years off from writing to learn and grow (aka do some [a lot of] illegal substances, and make some [a lot of] poor choices), I've decided to give the old column a reboot.  And also, Court, my editor/best friend/true love/archnemesis wouldn't leave me alone about it.

Seriously, it got to be embarrassing. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

56 Porn Search Terms, Analyzed in Real Time

PornMD logo

Hello, I'm internet sensation Cole F. M., and today I bring you happy, joyous news. News about the beautiful, golden age we live in. And what age is that, you ask? Well, two thousand and fifteen, for you literal types in the audience. What are you even doing here, anyway? Read More »

Simonne Cullen's picture

My 10-Year College Reunion Weekend

My 10-year college reunion has been a point of contention since the first of 18 invitations arrived at my parents' house. My mom called me up and asked, "Your school sent you some thick letters honey, can I open them?" Sure mom, I've already been accepted and graduated. What the hell else can possibly be in there? A refund check? Highly doubtful. Read More »

Simonne Cullen's picture

The Real Danger of Nicholas Sparks Stories for Women

Nicholas Sparks sinister face

Nicholas Sparks in is the business of making beautiful people more beautiful by packaging them in storylines that make teenage girls swoon and single women weep before they fall asleep at night. Unfortunately, these seemingly epic love stories are dangerous to women who bear a delicate psyche, because they begin to believe that just around the corner is the white knight, the sexy visiting urban cowboy, the modest millionaire. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

The Clusterfuck Saga, Part 3: How I Broke My Leg So Bad I Got Stuck in a German Hospital

Falling down the stairs caution sign

« Back to Part 2

Now for the next part in the Clusterfuck Saga...

Six hours. That's how long we waited in the emergency room.

I had called ahead the day before to ask about how exactly I should go about transferring since my hospital was being a bag of just, the fattest dicks, and I was told "just show up in the emergency room" and they would admit me and get me a bed. Read More »

Simonne Cullen's picture

Communion Would Be a Lot More Popular with Oreos

Chocolate cookie with a Christian cross in frosting

Second grade is a magical time in every child's life. You're learning about grammar, writing in cursive, and staring mystified at times tables. Your favorite dinosaur is stegosaurus and Cartoon Network seems relevant during daytime. For Catholic kids, though, it's time to eat Jesus. Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

The Clusterfuck Saga, Part 2: How I Broke My Leg So Bad I Got Stuck in a German Hospital

Falling down the stairs caution sign

« Back to Part 1

So what did happen after my second surgery?

Well, I woke up to see that there was very much still a cage of metal around my leg. Which was odd, because I was super psyched about the idea of that not being there after the surgery. Also, my entire leg was numb (and right ass cheek, but more on that later). Read More »

Cole F.M.'s picture

The Clusterfuck Saga: How I Broke My Leg So Bad I Got Stuck in a German Hospital

Falling down the stairs caution sign

Hi, my name is Cole and I do stupid things, where doing stupid things can cause debilitating, lifelong injuries.

I always like to provide fun and amusing stories for my readers (how are you two doing, anyway?), but I have to admit, I always prefer it when the stories I tell are true. That twinge of realism really helps bring together those stories where I almost accidentally kill myself (via volcano), get held by armed guards, or kick lions in the dick for sport. Read More »

Simonne Cullen's picture

Help, Babies are Stealing My Friends!

Simonne Cullen looking away wistful

One day in the near future you will wake up and all of your friends will have babies. Facebook and Instagram will be flooded with baby pictures of small feet and tiny hands and first everythings. First teeth (cute), first smile (cuter), first living room diarrhea explosion (unfollow). You can do two things: join in for the swim, or drown every time you open Facebook again at the office. Read More »

Nathan DeGraaf's picture

Spock and Friends

Leonard Nimoy as Spock in Star Trek

Leonard Nimoy died and you'll have to live with that you heartless bastard. He was 83, which is a pretty good age to die. He died of COPD, but nothing fell on him so it's easy to say he had a good long life and he died peacefully in his sleep. I mean, it's easy to say that anyway but I'm pretty sure it's true. Some people like to say stuff that's true but those people don't work on television so no one listens to them anyway.  Read More »

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