With my birthday less than a week away, and as the horrifying age of ** approaches like I would Kevin Bacon (barring the restraining order)... you know, slow at first as I don't want to startle him, but with increasing prowess and Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" playing in the background as I pounce... where was I going with this? Read More »
Up until my recent injury (coma-inducing exhaustion brought on from sheer sexual fortitude), I haven't been a big TV watcher. I have not lived in a dwelling with any form of standard television access since I moved out of my parents' place five years ago, and even then, I'm pretty sure they didn't have anything other than basic antenna TV for the last couple of years. Read More »
Did you hear the one about the woman who was engaged to a man who decided to marry CrossFit instead? Settle in, I'll tell you her story.
So a friend of a friend got engaged to a very nice man. To prepare for their wedding she told him he needed to lose some weight. She enjoys running 5Ks, 10Ks, marathons, etc. He enjoys Netflix binging, 11pm pizzas, and brewing his own beer. Obviously I am closer to him than I am to her. Regardless, he said he would lose a few pounds so he joined CrossFit on a recommendation from his older brother. Seems legitimate enough. A simple man on a simple quest to look good for his lady—until he got addicted. Read More »
Many of my friends have heard rumors of this list. I've mentioned it, quoted it, even shown glimpses of the finished product to some. I've offhandedly mentioned it to many people, usually in reference to "No, really, you don't seem to get just exactly how unproductive I am with my free time."
And now I've finally posted it. Read More »
After taking a couple of years off from writing to learn and grow (aka do some [a lot of] illegal substances, and make some [a lot of] poor choices), I've decided to give the old column a reboot. And also, Court, my editor/best friend/true love/archnemesis wouldn't leave me alone about it.
Seriously, it got to be embarrassing. Read More »
Hello, I'm internet sensation Cole F. M., and today I bring you happy, joyous news. News about the beautiful, golden age we live in. And what age is that, you ask? Well, two thousand and fifteen, for you literal types in the audience. What are you even doing here, anyway? Read More »
My 10-year college reunion has been a point of contention since the first of 18 invitations arrived at my parents' house. My mom called me up and asked, "Your school sent you some thick letters honey, can I open them?" Sure mom, I've already been accepted and graduated. What the hell else can possibly be in there? A refund check? Highly doubtful. Read More »
Nicholas Sparks in is the business of making beautiful people more beautiful by packaging them in storylines that make teenage girls swoon and single women weep before they fall asleep at night. Unfortunately, these seemingly epic love stories are dangerous to women who bear a delicate psyche, because they begin to believe that just around the corner is the white knight, the sexy visiting urban cowboy, the modest millionaire. Read More »
Now for the next part in the Clusterfuck Saga...
Six hours. That's how long we waited in the emergency room.
I had called ahead the day before to ask about how exactly I should go about transferring since my hospital was being a bag of just, the fattest dicks, and I was told "just show up in the emergency room" and they would admit me and get me a bed. Read More »
Second grade is a magical time in every child's life. You're learning about grammar, writing in cursive, and staring mystified at times tables. Your favorite dinosaur is stegosaurus and Cartoon Network seems relevant during daytime. For Catholic kids, though, it's time to eat Jesus. Read More »
So what did happen after my second surgery?
Well, I woke up to see that there was very much still a cage of metal around my leg. Which was odd, because I was super psyched about the idea of that not being there after the surgery. Also, my entire leg was numb (and right ass cheek, but more on that later). Read More »
Hi, my name is Cole and I do stupid things, where doing stupid things can cause debilitating, lifelong injuries.
I always like to provide fun and amusing stories for my readers (how are you two doing, anyway?), but I have to admit, I always prefer it when the stories I tell are true. That twinge of realism really helps bring together those stories where I almost accidentally kill myself (via volcano), get held by armed guards, or kick lions in the dick for sport. Read More »
One day in the near future you will wake up and all of your friends will have babies. Facebook and Instagram will be flooded with baby pictures of small feet and tiny hands and first everythings. First teeth (cute), first smile (cuter), first living room diarrhea explosion (unfollow). You can do two things: join in for the swim, or drown every time you open Facebook again at the office. Read More »
Leonard Nimoy died and you'll have to live with that you heartless bastard. He was 83, which is a pretty good age to die. He died of COPD, but nothing fell on him so it's easy to say he had a good long life and he died peacefully in his sleep. I mean, it's easy to say that anyway but I'm pretty sure it's true. Some people like to say stuff that's true but those people don't work on television so no one listens to them anyway. Read More »
Ladies, have you ever ended up at a man's house after your first or second date with no intention of being intimate, but the attraction factor escalates quickly, and suddenly you realize you haven't showered since before work that morning and need to freshen up your "Judy"? Read More »