Now for the next part in the Clusterfuck Saga...
Six hours. That's how long we waited in the emergency room.
I had called ahead the day before to ask about how exactly I should go about transferring since my hospital was being a bag of just, the fattest dicks, and I was told "just show up in the emergency room" and they would admit me and get me a bed. Read More »
Second grade is a magical time in every child's life. You're learning about grammar, writing in cursive, and staring mystified at times tables. Your favorite dinosaur is stegosaurus and Cartoon Network seems relevant during daytime. For Catholic kids, though, it's time to eat Jesus. Read More »
So what did happen after my second surgery?
Well, I woke up to see that there was very much still a cage of metal around my leg. Which was odd, because I was super psyched about the idea of that not being there after the surgery. Also, my entire leg was numb (and right ass cheek, but more on that later). Read More »
Hi, my name is Cole and I do stupid things, where doing stupid things can cause debilitating, lifelong injuries.
I always like to provide fun and amusing stories for my readers (how are you two doing, anyway?), but I have to admit, I always prefer it when the stories I tell are true. That twinge of realism really helps bring together those stories where I almost accidentally kill myself (via volcano), get held by armed guards, or kick lions in the dick for sport. Read More »
One day in the near future you will wake up and all of your friends will have babies. Facebook and Instagram will be flooded with baby pictures of small feet and tiny hands and first everythings. First teeth (cute), first smile (cuter), first living room diarrhea explosion (unfollow). You can do two things: join in for the swim, or drown every time you open Facebook again at the office. Read More »
Leonard Nimoy died and you'll have to live with that you heartless bastard. He was 83, which is a pretty good age to die. He died of COPD, but nothing fell on him so it's easy to say he had a good long life and he died peacefully in his sleep. I mean, it's easy to say that anyway but I'm pretty sure it's true. Some people like to say stuff that's true but those people don't work on television so no one listens to them anyway. Read More »
Ladies, have you ever ended up at a man's house after your first or second date with no intention of being intimate, but the attraction factor escalates quickly, and suddenly you realize you haven't showered since before work that morning and need to freshen up your "Judy"? Read More »
Another year is gone and yet again we leave the past behind us and look to the future, which I'm sure included reading this article about some of the things I'm looking forward to. Shhhh, just go with it and keep reading, it's certainly better than lamenting over the fact that you will never again experience a date with consecutive numbers in your lifetime. Oh, you didn't realize that, well no use crying over it now, let's just move on... Read More »
My passport needed to be renewed. I didn't want to do it, but I made an appointment on my day off to meet with the proper authorities. I brought all the required material, fought my way through LA traffic, and arrived 15 minutes before my appointment. I made no plans with friends until well after the agency's 5pm closing time. I brought my iPad, knitting needles, and a brown bag lunch, anticipating an entire wasted day of my life. Read More »
It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of Theresa and Larry Cullen. The couple died last week due to a mudslide off an Alabama interstate. Their hostile conversation was recorded on the car's dash cam. It provided insight into their final moments... Read More »
'Tis the season again for being bombarded with really weird Christmas songs that we all sing along to, but haven't really given the underlying message a second thought. So you know what that means... it's time for overanalyzing another Christmas song that you can NEVER EVER hear again without your mind going to a very dark place. Read More »
"The world is awful and falling apart."
"No it's not."
-The World Read More »
"Cole, what the fuck are you doing?"
My editor-in-chief, Court Sullivan, looked at me in shock as I sat on the impressively large desk he kept situated in his office.
"I'm waiting for you, my friend. Just here to pitch you the idea for my latest article." I hopped off the desk and took a couple of steps forward. Read More »
Nothing says Happy Halloween like scantily clad, horny women who want nothing else than to act sinfully. Halloween is a special time of year that causes people to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character and downright evil. Or are they? Read More »
Racism is on its way out.
That's actually a fairly inflammatory statement, as people in many parts of the world, and even in our own country (the United States as of the time of this writing, in case any of my future actions cause me to flee to a country that doesn't share extradition treaties with the US) can attest to, racism is very much a real problem, and even a threat. Read More »