Bear with me for a second. I know it might be hard to believe, but even as a PIC Staff Writer/Permanent Six-Pack Museum exhibit, I do not find it difficult to walk from the front door to my mailbox due to a constant sweaty, slippery grind of ass I have to tap. As I make my cereal in the morning, I do not find myself burdened by having to satisfy enough people to populate a small island nation. I never have to stop on the way to do my laundry to pass undulating throngs of people who throw themselves at me genitals first. Read More »
I needed a night out so I thought I'd hang with a friend, Tanya, and her friends, some of whom I'd met before. Our mission was to take out Yuri, Tanya's engineer friend from the Ukraine, who had never hit the Korean club scene. He looked like your stereotypical doofus: maybe 130 pounds and arms like wet baby towels. I'm sure he could chat online all day, but he could barely carry on a face-to-face convo. Read More »
Recent census data shows that 69% of Americans are overweight. Recent census data also shows that 63% of all Americans are white. That means, regardless of race, creed or color, if you are fat, you are part of the majority in this country. And as the majority in this country, you chubbalos need to get together and make this country a better place to eat fried butter. Read More »
Malaysia. Where's it at? Nobody knew two weeks ago, did they? But, we do now, don't we? Does that raise any red flags? What do we really know about Micronesia anyway? Could the country of Methuselah be using their missing jetliner as a clever ploy to attract financial interest in Central America or wherever it is? Could this be a hijacking of both a plane and the American public to try to teach them something about geography? Could we just tell Nancy Grace there was a white pre-teen girl on the plane and let her flesh out the rest? Read More »
In less than three hours at the gym, I lost about five kilos (or about 11 pounds). I lifted, wrestled, hit the heavy bag, and did some ridiculous Crossfit stuff. I looked incredibly drunk as I walked from the gym to the subway and then up to my apartment in Korea. I held onto the subway handrail for dear life. I couldn't sweat any more. Upon returning home, I drank about three liters of water and just sat. I didn't sleep or eat or watch TV, I just sat. Read More »
Complete this ten-question quiz to reveal your TRUE Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 Disappearance Theorist identity, then compare with your friends! Are you the Pilot Suicide, the Catastrophic Failure, or something else? Find out!
1. When you are out to eat and your waiter messes up your order, who do you usually blame? Read More »
Are you lacking in funds? Tired of sitting around every night staring at your 6-week-old loaf of bread grow mold because you don't have any cash? Well buck up, fucko! Here are some fun activities that will only cost you five cents!
1. Nickel Picking Read More »
A little while back I got kicked out of Germany. When pressed, I will eventually buckle and tell you the truth, that it was over a simple technicality involving a visa appointment, but before that, I will tell you a riveting tale about me fending off Angela Merkel's secret Ninja Clan, while teaming up with an ancient and wise, albeit somewhat senile and racist, dragon named Merferktuu. Read More »
There's a time and a place for everything, even karaoke, and that's all the time and everywhere. There's never a reason not to be singing karaoke. But you do have to choose your songs wisely, as not every situation calls for "Build Me Up Buttercup." Here are some helpful examples of appropriate song choices for the many places you'll encounter karaoke. Read More »
This time we're going to work with a recipe from the fiery kitchens of Mexico, and then let it proceed to work its way to your soon-to-be-fiery asshole. If you've ever seen the movie Once Upon a Time in Mexico, then you will already be aware of this recipe's existence. It's the reason Johnny Depp shoots a motherfucker: for making it too good. Read More »
I grew up in North Dakota. If you've never heard of it, don't worry, most Americans haven't either. Also, most minorities would rather move to prison than the Prairie Rose State (that's North Dakota's nickname in case you were wondering). Read More »
It seems everyone has an idea about the best ways to scrape by in life as a penny-pinching, coupon-obsessed, miserable troll. (Did you know you can turn an old milk carton into a shoddy, flimsy dustpan that you'll throw away after one near-use?) Read More »
Can I put my penis there?
Where exactly is "there?"
Under the couch cushion.
Is it your couch?
You can put your penis there. Read More »
Trying to read the back of most modern ingredients lists can leave most people confused, feeling like they need multiple linguistic degrees, a doctorate in chemistry, and whatever it was that Tom Hanks had in The Da Vinci Code that let him magically decipher the hidden semen messages on those paintings just to understand them. And maybe you breathe a heavy sigh of relief when you get to the part that says "natural flavoring" and think, "Good. At least this strawberry ice cream tastes like strawberries because of those wholesome strawberries in there, and not some chemical." Read More »
Because being your roommate means never having to apologize for the incredibly stupid and immature shit I do to you, I've compiled this handy list of things I'm not sorry about. Read More »