A little while back I got kicked out of Germany. When pressed, I will eventually buckle and tell you the truth, that it was over a simple technicality involving a visa appointment, but before that, I will tell you a riveting tale about me fending off Angela Merkel's secret Ninja Clan, while teaming up with an ancient and wise, albeit somewhat senile and racist, dragon named Merferktuu. Read More »
There's a time and a place for everything, even karaoke, and that's all the time and everywhere. There's never a reason not to be singing karaoke. But you do have to choose your songs wisely, as not every situation calls for "Build Me Up Buttercup." Here are some helpful examples of appropriate song choices for the many places you'll encounter karaoke. Read More »
This time we're going to work with a recipe from the fiery kitchens of Mexico, and then let it proceed to work its way to your soon-to-be-fiery asshole. If you've ever seen the movie Once Upon a Time in Mexico, then you will already be aware of this recipe's existence. It's the reason Johnny Depp shoots a motherfucker: for making it too good. Read More »
I grew up in North Dakota. If you've never heard of it, don't worry, most Americans haven't either. Also, most minorities would rather move to prison than the Prairie Rose State (that's North Dakota's nickname in case you were wondering). Read More »
It seems everyone has an idea about the best ways to scrape by in life as a penny-pinching, coupon-obsessed, miserable troll. (Did you know you can turn an old milk carton into a shoddy, flimsy dustpan that you'll throw away after one near-use?) Read More »
Can I put my penis there?
Where exactly is "there?"
Under the couch cushion.
Is it your couch?
You can put your penis there. Read More »
Trying to read the back of most modern ingredients lists can leave most people confused, feeling like they need multiple linguistic degrees, a doctorate in chemistry, and whatever it was that Tom Hanks had in The Da Vinci Code that let him magically decipher the hidden semen messages on those paintings just to understand them. And maybe you breathe a heavy sigh of relief when you get to the part that says "natural flavoring" and think, "Good. At least this strawberry ice cream tastes like strawberries because of those wholesome strawberries in there, and not some chemical." Read More »
Because being your roommate means never having to apologize for the incredibly stupid and immature shit I do to you, I've compiled this handy list of things I'm not sorry about. Read More »
I thought I'd delay this year's New Year article so as to allow all that "New Year, New Me" horseshit to wear off. By now, hopefully, you're back to doing things like reading Points in Case instead of studying or working, and feeling like your old self again. Besides, let's face it, no one wants a new you anyway—the people who genuinely like you already liked the old you, and the people who hated the old you just want you to genuinely fuck off... not come back all reinvented and even more annoying. Read More »
Not all connoisseurs of craft beer are made of money. We don't all have a Scrooge McDuck-like room full of hops that we can roll around in while wearing beards made of high-end barley. But there is a way to enjoy the taste and quality of your favorite specialty brews without breaking the bank! Read More »
I am a man of science. A man of history. A man with a functioning nervous system and basic access to Google. I once skimmed through a philosophy textbook, and came out the other side a lot less tolerable at parties. I pursue knowledge where there is knowledge to be found. And in these pursuits of knowledge, one thing has become abundantly clear: Thomas Alva Edison was a massive hairy butthole. Like, so massive. Read More »
Step 1: Present a friendly, outgoing appearance.
You should never judge a book by its cover, but sometimes a person's outward appearance can turn potential friends off. A scraggly beard and an overabundance of flannel might give off a "loner" vibe, which isn't going to attract any new playmates. Read More »
KC: Not having internet sucks.
BRAIN: Yes, but the reason we don't have internet is because the company wanted us to sign a two-year subscription. And plus, if we get internet, we're just going to goof off and IM people all day. Read More »
Six years into his administration, Barack Hussein Obama has left many questions unanswered: Read More »
- Is he really an American citizen?
- What really happened at Benghazi?
- Who is John Galt?
- How many licks, really, does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, and if he's tried to find out, is he gay?
- What does he have against making the national bird a red herring?
If you know me at all, then you probably wouldn't guess that my cooking skills extend very far beyond "Probably Won't Cause Blindness," and I wouldn't blame you for thinking so. I can usually be found enjoying a steady diet of pre-made food, orange juice, and shame. But in reality I can cook a few things that aren't cereal, and since I'm drunk enough to think that writing a recipe is a good idea for an article, that's what you're getting today. Read More »