"The first time I had a wet dream I thought I peed my pants in bed. I was terrified," I said to my friend during college.
"How long do you think you'd have to go without wacking it to get a wet dream?" my friend asked.
"Why the fuck would you want a wet dream?"
"I don't know, to feel 16 again." Read More »
Throughout history, our religious scriptures, folklore, and even stretching as far back as cave finger-paintings that our ancestors' dads probably wouldn't hang on the refrigerator no matter how many stars Miss Williams put on them, have been riddled with mentions of ghosts, goblins, and gay marriage, as well as other horrifying propositions. Before you dismiss superstition as a sentiment of the past, you may be further spooked to hear that even today, 45% of Americans believe that ghosts are real, 55% of Americans do NOT think marriage should be exclusively between a man and his lack of options because he didn't wear a condom, and my dad still hasn't hung anything on the fridge you cold, cold bastard. Read More »
Nothing says Happy Halloween like ethereal women who haunt your mind with nothing more than their appearance. Halloween is a special time of year that causes people to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character and other worldly. Or are they? Read More »
BRAIN: Do we really need another tattoo?
KC: Yes. Now shut up.
JUNK: I bet the ladies are going to love this one.
BRAIN: Dude, no they're not. Read More »
I wasn't going to go to my high school reunion this past weekend (we'll say it's my five-year, so I don't feel so old), because if you knew me in high school... well, congratulations, you're about the only one who did. I had glasses, braces, a painfully bad sense of fashion, and a lisp that kept me from speaking to anyone. (Still have the lisp, but now it's considered cute and quirky. Like Zoeey Deschanel's bangs.) Read More »
German is a confusing language. Some things make perfect sense, while other grammatical concepts were clearly conceived after an all-night opium bender in one of the seedier parts of a rape dungeon. The spelling is great as soon as you get used to the umlauts and what have you; I mean, it's way more logical then most English spelling. But then you have the articles and word genders that exist for literally no other reason than to say, "Hahaha, you want to learn our language? Well we literally couldn't think of a better way to tell you to go fuck yourself than by making up these goddamned articles. Have fun sounding like an Olympic glue sniffer for the rest of your German 'speaking' career." Read More »
It was recently brought to my attention by Court, the editor of this website you're currently reading, that I've written 99 articles for Points in Case. Which means, of course, that this article (yes, this one right here) is the monumental 100th article I've written here! So in honor of this milestone I thought I'd take us all on a little trip down memory lane. Read More »
If you mention to a parent that life would be better without children, you are immediately assumed to be one of those people who just doesn't understand, because you don't have kids. You'll then be shown several photos that you're socially programmed to pretend are cute of their child progressing from looking like a tiny, crack-addicted vagrant, to looking like a tiny, crack-addicted vagrant with braces, as the parent embarks on a tear-filled, Prozac-induced reflection on parental joys and woes. Read More »
Dear Everyone Who Watches Breaking Bad,
I just want to let you know that not only have I seen every episode of this show, but I have been watching from the beginning. That's right, I have actually been into this motherfucker since day fucking one. I have no idea what kind of credibility that lends me, if any, but I wanted to make sure that you knew that, because clearly we are becoming the kind of society that judges itself not by its words, nor by its actions, but by what we do with our laziest and least productive moments in life. Read More »
Traveling is pretty nifty. You get to visit exciting places, meet interesting people, eat exotic foods, do unique things, and play hella video games. What? Is that last one not on your ideal list of things to do while sitting next to the Louvre? Well then screw you for thinking you're better than me. Read More »
People like to believe that they control what they enjoy doing—the horrible music they likely listen to and the TV dramas that sum up their teenage angst or adult lack of fulfillment—but don't ever consider that their preferences can be traced back to their brain. Read More »
In my last article, I wrote about a bunch of drawbacks to the idea of moving to Germany. Mostly because I am a powerfully negative person and a bitch on a level that can only be measured with exploding suns. But, I have returned to give you the other side of that coin. That drunken, drunken coin. Read More »
By now we've all heard the phrase "So bad it's good" in reference to unintentionally hilarious low budget films that are wildly entertaining for all the wrong reasons. I like to think of myself as an expert on good bad movies, and over the years I've tried to find the best worst and/or worst best films out there. Let's take a moment to examine the different types of awesomely bad movies. Read More »
It is very common for me to booty call every female contact in my cell phone when I'm blacked out, however... I was so liquor-drunk last Saturday night that I called a girl I used to have sex with and left a two-minute voicemail professing my passionate love for her. Read More »
I recently did the most patriotic thing you can possibly do as an American: I moved to another country.
Now, I know what you're thinking here, and that is boobs. Most of my readership is male, so, you know, you're probably thinking about titties, just like you are most of time, in a very boobular fashion. And a few ladies read my articles, and I just used the term "boobular," so of course you're thinking about breasts, now. Read More »