Cats are great. They're cute, they're cuddly, and they do funny things. But they're not as great as they could be. Until now, that is.
Do you have a cat? What does it do all day? Be honest, it doesn't do anything, does it? But what if it did EVERYTHING? Because that's what GoogleCat does. GoogleCat is everything your cat will never be. Read More »
Prague, city of light, city of magic! The crown jewel of Eastern Europe, Prague has a long and storied history, full of strife and intrigue. The architecture is awe-inspiring. The people are kind and friendly. The cuisine is powerfully delectable. The post offices are a fucking nightmare. Read More »
It was 10 years ago and I had just graduated from NYU and returned to Colorado for one of my brothers' high school graduations. Seeing my immediate family excited me, but seeing my grandparents, uncles, and aunts really got me going. I knew they didn't have the time, money, or patience to fly to NYU for my graduation, so my brother and I kind of threw a joint graduation party. Read More »
It's recently come to my attention that North Korea is probably going to blow up the world pretty soon. And by the world, I mean America. Apparently it has something to do with some crazy fat guy with a bad haircut and a Disney fetish. Now I may not know much about global politics or hard news facts, but I do occasionally skim enough headlines to make uneducated, often childishly ignorant assumptions. I'd like to take a moment to share some of those with you. Read More »
I will open this article with a disclaimer: DO NOT TAKE LEGAL ADVICE FROM A COMEDY WEBSITE OH MY GOD PLEASE DON'T EVER DO THAT.
With that out of the way, I would like to fill you in on a few legal matters that are worth noting for any discerning individual. Some are legal misconceptions, others are things that might land you in a prison cell next to a guy named Fuckmissile without you having any idea why. Read More »
Despite what fitness gurus, Dr. Oz, or that asshole at the office who daily tells you about his morning jog and is probably named Brad or Joe try telling you, almost every diet and exercise program is focused on increasing your caloric expenditure or reducing your caloric intake. The common logic across the pseudo-scientific, striated-muscled fitness world is that people who are fat just eat too much or are lazy. It's entirely their fault, they exercise too little, they claim glandular issues, their feet look disproportionately small, and every single one of them watches Shallow Hal twice a week. Read More »
Hi there. My name is Brent Vanguard, CEO of Solutions, Inc., the highly profitable non-profit organization committed to improving the quality of life of your family, friends, pets, and casual acquaintances. We're here for your safety. The environment is a threat to that safety. Think about it—jungles filled with venomous things crawling and slithering through the darkness, just waiting for some hapless hippie nature lover to stumble across their path. Forests full of man-killing bears and wolves. And what about deserts and tundras? Forget it. Nature is not your friend. Would your friend try to kill you? Read More »
Needless to say, when you bring a computer with you on a long trip, shove it in a backpack, and then proceed to treat that backpack with the type of dignity usually reserved for Guantanamo Bay prisoners, your computer probably isn't going to make it out wholly intact. Read More »
First off, THIS HAPPENED.
That story is real. We did that. We sent a ship hurtling through space, dumped a dune buggy drone on a world millions of miles away, and etch-a-sketched a giant dong all over their stupid planet's face like it was passed out drunk at a frat party. We just vandalized their shit like it was the handicapped stall in a Burger King bathroom. Read More »
There's this one volcano over in Italy that you may have heard of. It's called Mount Vesuvius. You might remember it from your history class as the volcano that got into a slight territorial dispute with the city of Pompeii. Pompeii wanted to not be on fire, and Vesuvius wanted... I think you can see where that joke was going. Read More »
On Christmas Day of last year, former Pope Benedict XVI emerged from his humble chambers, saw his shadow, and winter continued. When he re-emerged, he gave a heart-felt plea for a revival of purity, advocating for the interests of the poor from his $63 million cathedral wearing the entirety of Ron Paul's gold reserves in jewelry. Read More »
Midnight in seventies film grain. Horror jazz soundtrack for piano and bass fills the air. Big dark city made of interlocking alleys, lit up by pink neon and yellow headlights. Loose trash stirs in the wind. A singing hobo takes a drink behind a dumpster. He stops, squints at the figure in the shadows. Man in a space suit? Couldn't be, makes no sense. Space man comes closer. Hobo stinks of fear and urine. Space man pulls out a knife. Hobo screams. Camera pans away as title of film splashes across crumbling brick wall in blood red letters: ASTRONAUT KILLER. Cue intro credits. Read More »
Many lament the decline of television in recent years as a medium for quality programming, but I would like to point out that one of the first shows to ever be broadcast on national television was called The Less Sociable Ones, and it was just a series of different monkeys dressed up in admittedly adorable outfits in various, fairly random situations. There was no plot, no skits, no real...anything, really. And yet plenty of people tuned in to watch it. Week after week, Americans tuned in to watch a whole mess of monkeys grin like idiots for half an hour (they didn't have commercials just yet). And people say that TV is just now taking a dive. Read More »
There are a group of people in this world who are both conflicted by their iniquitous entitlement, and pragmatic. We realize that we work at jobs we are underqualified for where the only qualifications are being white and Microsoft Word skills. We realize that our reluctant, but eventual filling of these positions is unequivocally not due to merit, and that they would be much more happily and aptly filled by people who aren't working merely because they've been cut off from their parents. Read More »
Like most old school horror film geeks, I went to see the new Evil Dead remake fully prepared to love it, despise it, or both. It ended up doing both, but mostly I enjoyed it. Was it better than the original? No. Did it look really fucking cool? Yes. Much like the re-makes of Dawn of the Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Halloween, I'm willing to file this one under "acceptable blasphemy." It had a lot of things going for it and it could have been much, much worse. Read More »