About Xavier Holland
Hometown
New York, NY
School
Pomona College
At a Glance
I hold several sexual world records, mostly related to speed and/or number of bystanders injured.
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Recent Comments
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| Irrefsstirede (not verified) | Feel fresh all over even | SexyBack Lyrics (Old Dirty Balls Remix) |
| Irrefsstirede (not verified) | YouTube - UCLA Police Taser | Celebrity Sex Tape Review |
| Irrefsstirede (not verified) | The adult-film producer | Making Sense of Fucking Stupid Sluts |
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| Court Sullivan | This is my favorite article | Sarah Palin Makes Me Want to Lay Pipe in Alaska |
Stuff None of You Have Been Waiting For
Apparently, some teens in some town in Massachusetts had a "pregnancy pact" whereby they agreed to try to get pregnant. Which a lot of people are down on, but I happen to be ecstatic about. Because I love underaged girls, and I love MILFS, and I love a good 2 for 1.
Apparently a 20 year old Kazakh model was found dead yesterday after falling 9 stories to her death. Her death has been described as untimely. This I don't understand. First of all, 20 model years is like 90 people years. Secondly, if she fell 9 stories, she died exactly when she might expect. If she had died 30 years later, of lupus, THAT would be pretty untimely.
I was listening to "My Humps" and couldn't help but think that it would be a lot darker and a lot funnier if it were actually about breast cancer. Or if a doctor ever said, "I'm sorry Ms. Minogue, it appears you have a lovely lady lump."
Why is it that any person who works in food-service automatically becomes a licensced fucking health inspector? Can I enjoy my Olive Garden coupon in piece without you and your "worked 2 months at a Dairy Queen" ass chirping in about how I shouldn't order the swordfish, because everybody knows that they keep it several degrees below the right temperature?
Why do we give flowers to dead people? What the hell is that sentiment? Hey, here's some shit you didn't want when you were alive, now that you *really* can't use it. How did this start? Did some forgetful guy's wife die on like, February 20th?:
"Oh...honey, I got you these flowers. I guess the postal service screwed up or something...this is awkward. I'll just leave these on these big stone slab then.
Actually, changed my mind. I'm just going to go ahead and take these. Big date, and all."
Why the flowers in a hospital, for that matter? What the hell is the logic behind that? "Hey...I saw these and figured they were going to die in a couple weeks no matter what I did...made me think of you."
Having been in a hospital, I must say one of the worst things is the boredom. Even when you have visitors, it's kind of awkward. I had a whole lot of family, and I love them to death, but we normally have conversations of 6, maybe 7 minutes at a time. What the fuck are we supposed to talk about for five hours? And that's when we've been out doing exciting things. Can you imagine those conversations?
"How was your day?"
"..."
"Still got that tube in your penis, huh? How's that working out?"
"..."
"So, pretty good?"
14 Comments
Haha. Nice. Flowers originated for graveyards and hospitals because dead people and sick people smell bad. Of course, back then flowers actually had a scent.
Awesome.
That was freaking funny.
Haha, I love it! Any post that can work in uninary tubes gets a A in my book.
Hilarious. Keep it up.
I work at a hospital, and I gotta say the visitor convos were perfectly hilarious. Not much to talk about when your day consist of blood draws and nine-hour hydromorphone-induced naps.
Good stuff. Keep it coming.
The lovely lady lumps jokes was made by Cyanide and Happiness. Great post.
hahaha the "My Humps" thing was great!
do you do stand up?
if not, you should
Thanks, y'all. Dave, I should have known someone else would have thought the same thing. It was playing in my office when I had the thought, and I looked around for somebody to tell, then realized that everybody else had "morals" and such.
Anonymous, I've done a bit here and there. Still working out material.
Damn funny, man. keep it up
The paragraph about the model was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.
I didn't have to come to this site to read your new material... mostly because I've already heard it a few times.
If you can't recall, I laughed out loud the first time around and probably the other times, too.
Po-tay-to salad.
You haven't posted in over a month. Are you still alive?
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