Don't Mess with the BX

I need to air a grievance. It’s not that I don’t like Ashlee Simpson; her music is kind of catchy albeit mediocre and she looks rather cute after that rhinoplasty. And I’m not completely averted to Pete Wentz even though Fallout Boy kind of totally sucks. You know what? I actually don’t like Ashlee Simpson or Pete Wentz at all.

But there was a glimmer of hope for them until they went and named their kid Bronx. I mean, really, Ashlee Simpson? REALLY?

It was sort of fun when Posh and Becks named their baby Brooklyn. Brooklyn, New York is littered with hipsters and malt liquor and coolness of that variety. And when Gwen Stefani named her son Kingston, it totally had a purpose, seeing that she’s obsessed with Jamaica and such. But with 4 other available New York boroughs and tons of other locales populated by black people, Pete and Ash chose Bronx??

Now, it would be one thing if these two people had some sort of heart connection with the Bronx and all its ghetto glory. But I know this can’t possibly be. I am 100% sure that Pete and Ashlee Simpson have never been to the Bronx because if they had, they would sure as hell not named a tiny baby after it.

Don’t get me wrong, being an honorary Bronx local myself, I love this little borough. I step out my front door to world culture, fine art and the best Italian food in America everyday. But I also step out my front door to a homeless man urinating on my stoop.

When I walk down the street, I pass a gray mini-van donning the title, “Ray’s Weenies.” How shady is that? I get home every night and peel a McDonald’s wrapper off the bottom of my shoe. The local high school gets let out early on days of gang initiation. I’ve seen a guy drop trow and poop on a bush. There’s a ragged looking Spongebob character who solicits children on the Grand Concourse, and I highly suspect he is NOT working for Nickelodeon. Two years ago, some guy was hammered to death in the White Castle parking lot across from my school. HAMMERED. Again, not to knock the Bronx, but it’s not exactly a wholesome sentiment after which to dub your INNOCENT, HELPLESS INFANT.

I guess I’m just jealous because they took my future baby name. Now I have to name my kid Yeah Detroit or something of similar lackluster. Anyway, the point is, how dare you, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson??

And don’t even get me started on that middle name…