I hate things that have a 50/50 chance.

When somebody tells me something has a 50/50 chance of happening, it's like filling out an entire question and answer survey with “n/a” – you get absolutely no information and the whole thing was pointless. Or like my favorite quote from Scott Goodyer in which a badass whispers in one ear to a girl “I love you” and then immediately whispers in her other ear “Whatever” – the girl has no idea what to think, and she probably wishes you wouldn't have said anything at all.

When somebody tells me there's a 50% chance of rain, I just glare at them. What do you want me to do, put on one rain boot and open half an umbrella? Cancel half my plans and tell half of my friends that we're still on but it's only going to be half as good? Change my golf reservation to 9 holes instead of 18?

Everyone seems to have a different interpretation of a 50/50 chance. Tell one person there's a 50% chance of rain tomorrow and they'll rent 50 DVDs, stock up on hot chocolate, and start curling up in a wool blanket. Tell another person there's a 50% chance of rain and they'll breathe a sigh of relief and tell you everything's gonna be fine because they've had nothing but good luck lately. And they're each making specific decisions based on absolutely no information. It's like telling someone that Republicans and Democrats are both running in the next presidential election, and then watching that person suddenly go out and start campaigning for Hillary Clinton.

When I push the “up” button and there's an equal chance I'll get one of two elevators, I always pick one and stand directly in front of it. Does that make me an optimist? Does standing between the two elevators make you a realist? Does standing in front of the one you don't think is going to open make you a pessimist? No, it doesn't make you anything because 50/50 chances are the most boring, irrelevant thing in existence.

You wanna know who are definitely pessimists? Weathermen. Why else when there's a 50% chance of rain is the forecast always accompanied by a picture of a storm cloud dumping rain? Why not half the time show a picture of a non-threatening cloud just sitting there looking sorta glum and gray but not pissing itself?

So yes, there are ways that 50/50 chances can give people insight into your outlook about things. But you know what? There's still a 50/50 chance it could go either way. So fuck it.

Now I'd like to take a poll:

Let's say there's a 50% chance you'll comment on this post. Will you leave a comment on this post?

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