The Two Thousand Twelve Days of Christmas

A modern gift-giving guide for the non-18th-century woman in your life.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" made its debut in 1780, in England. Over the last 230 years, it has been known as an archaic song belted almost on repeat by carolers from the day after Thanksgiving until the wrapping paper trash pickup after Christmas morning. In America, there are many avenues for archaic verse. Just ask the Catholic and Protestant church community.

For those of you not familiar with many of the United States' goofy traditions, "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is a song that comprises twelve cumulative verses in which each includes an additional gift that increases in quantity. And it's even more boring than that description.

Another goofy tradition in America is the maxing out of the credit card, and the reallocation of massive debt. When it comes to gift-giving, we're always two steps ahead when we're not being trampled in a Walmart on Black Friday.

As you can imagine, any English song from 1780 screams for reform. Hell, even a song about gifts in 2005 would be long obsolete given our demand for the latest in supply.

She doesn't need a quartet of song birds, she has an iPhone. Why not get her something that won't tweet more than she does.But not only are these gifts from the song outdated, they're really damn weird too. If you showed up at your girlfriend's place with a "partridge in a pear tree," she'd offer you a "restraining order and a straitjacket," a result neither party wants to see play out. It would be pretty cool to somehow coordinate "six geese a laying" on her parents front lawn, but then she'd probably kick you to the curb and make you clean up all that goose shit on your way.

 For those reasons and more, a revision is needed.

And that's why many revisions are attempted. But presently none are memorable. So I've taken it upon myself as so many have before, and made an attempt to resuscitate a cumulative gift-giving guide that'll hopefully stick. Maybe not for another 230 years, but at least until you get trampled in a Walmart next Black Friday.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

If you could find either of these, it'd be impressive. But realistically, you won't find either. That's okay though, she doesn't want a pheasant nesting in a tree that you can't sustain in most climates. Instead, she'd be much more pleased with...

A Day at the Spa

Yeah, it's cliché... but so is getting someone a gift for Christmas. You want to help smooth over the stresses in her life, most of which are probably attributable to you? Then put down that savings bond your arthritis-riddled Grandma gave you on your inaugural birthday, and buy her a day of wearing cucumber monocles and lying prone in a bath robe.



2 Turtle Doves

Doves are still possibly in, but producing a pair of trained doves as a Christmas present seems impossible to accomplish legally. So in case you don't have an uncle who's an obscure wildlife capture expert, go with this easy alternative...

2 Round Earrings

You're a guy, so to her, if you can get something that resembles the popular geometry of a pair of earrings, she'll file the sentiment under her "it's the thought that counts" folder. So remember to go for the round ones.



3 French Hens

Forget the French hens, we eat processed foods now. Instead, give her...

3 Tickets to Drake

A lot of girls are drawn to the witty lyrical prowess and insightful acronym machine that is the rapper Drake. She can take a couple girlfriends and they can YOLO over and over and over again.



4 Calling Birds

She doesn't need a quartet of song birds, she has an iPhone. Why not get her something that won't tweet more than she does... like...

4 Ounces of Perfume

Make sure you know her preferred winter scent before you go on your search, and then get ready to hand over your wallet to Macy's.



5 Golden Rings

Most women (unless Gypsy) don't have a 2:1 finger to golden ring ratio. This is yet another gift that is just as outdated as the eclectic collection of avians throughout this song. Instead, why not both spruce things up and play it safe with...

5 Lotion Tubes

We love their soft skin, and so do they. And when you buy five different tubes, the scent and consistency she wanted all along is bound to be in one of those bottles.



6 Geese-a-Laying

Again, birds are soooo imperial England. And there's no need for them when you can use electromagnetism. Instead, get a sixer of something else... like this...

6 Wines for Dining

Find out—rather, observe—what she enjoys to eat when she goes out for lunch and dinner, and then find out what the phrase "pairing wine with food" means. Find the right wine to accomplish this, and she'll be thinking of you each and every time she pairs a Riesling with her apricot ravioli.



7 Swans-a-Swimming

Enough with the oversized and ugly birds. She didn't want the partridge, and her dad is gonna perform an anesthetic-free vasectomy on you if you let a half-dozen geese lay eggs in his yard. So why even consider digging a manmade lake for seven swans to go "a swimming" in? In lieu of swans, go with...

7 Types of Chocolate

Although they won't readily admit it, chocolate is the sex currency of women. It's one of the most satisfying things for them outside of getting to view a hunky Puerto Rican pool boy daily. It's another gift that allows you to miss the mark on a few others, as long as a couple end up being right up her palatable alley. When you get the chocolates, you're at least halfway to temporary relationship nirvana. And when she sees the chocolates, she'll go on cocoa autopilot and know exactly what to do with them. Just remember not to make any stupid Forrest Gump

jokes.



8 Maids-a-Milking

In fantasy, this might be pretty cool. In reality, you probably can't render her an Amish village with the amount of time left before day 8 of Christmas. Drawing on reasonable expectations, give her a DIY project that you can muster with your manpower...

8 Sock Monkeys

Hopefully she's a sock monkey girl, and hopefully she doesn't think that eight of something she likes is something really creepy. And hopefully she'll also be in good spirits when she discovers she's missing four pairs of socks.



9 Ladies Dancing

Some girls are into this... but most aren't. Instead, go with the ringer...

9 Pounds of Puppy

Nothing makes a woman melt like the sight and touch of a whimpering puppy. Get something hypo-allergenic and non-pitbull, and you'll be her hero.



10 Lords-a-Leaping

Cirque de Soleil and a few shows on Broadway are the closest available approximations. But there's something much cheaper, and nearly equivalent...

10 Friends Seasons

Don't be dumb like Joey or wimpy like Ross. Girlfriends age 18-68 love the syndicated series Friends. It's the timeless female equivalent to Seinfeld. And possibly catnip.



11 Pipers Piping

This sounds like something that might get Youtubed and then uploaded to the Tosh.0 blog. But why invent a verb such as Youtubed? Go with this modern substitute...

11 Lulu Lemons

Yoga pants, running jackets, space age sports bras... Lulu Lemon provides all of this, and provides it at a premium. You want things to work out? Then get her the things she wants to wear during her workout. And if you want to stick to the 12 days regimen, get 11 unique articles of Lulu Lemon clothing.



12 Drummers Drumming

Andy Bernard did this on The Office.

But Andy Bernard also refers to himself in the testicular third person.

Here's a much better choice...

12 Knives a Sharpened

Obviously this is not an ideal gift if you and your significant other are prone to heated domestic disputes. But if you're not an inflammatory and violently dangerous couple, then you can't go wrong with good cutlery. She'll become so attached to this great set of knivery that she'll begin to refer to Cuisinart as "Cousin Art." An intimate reminder of just how bitchin' a boyfriend you've become.



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