So you’ve convinced a young lady to come to your place for a little night cap. You think she’s a pretty cool chick, but let’s be honest, not that cool. She’s fun to fool around with and a good drinking partner, but you don’t want her feeling too comfortable at your place. Or knowing your middle name. You have to be a man and keep her at arm’s length! Besides, you more than likely harbor some resentment towards the fairer sex because your long-term girlfriend left a yam-size hole in your heart when she broke up with you over text message.
Clearly you don’t want to let this one know the real you. So just make something up about how you can’t handle a relationship…you can figure that out.
The real question is, how do you keep sleeping with her, without her sleeping over?
Solution: The Pillow Technique.
Here is how it plays out:
- Keep two pillows on your bed at all times. Pillow #1: "the good pillow." This is the nice, comfortable pillow you admire the most. Then there’s Pillow #2: "bag of rocks." This is the absolute worst pillow you could imagine. This particular pillow very well may have been used to chalk airplane tires.
- When you finally get ready for the actual sleeping portion of the night, you must initiate a very specific game of cat and mouse. (Yes, she has to spend the night once for this to work. Deal with it.) Okay, make sure you take the side of the bed with the good pillow. You can assure yourself of this by prepping in advance. Simply place Pillow #1 on the side closest to the room’s exit door; for as we all know, the gallant thing to do is to sleep on the door side in order to thwart any potential attackers by laying in their path, thus protecting your lust interest. On the subconscious level, she will adore this.
- Once you are both laying down, immediately offer her your pillow. Make up some line about how you very rarely ever have overnight guests, therefore you never think about only having one good pillow. At this point, her heart will be aflutter with your gentlemanly anti-burglar tactics and your timid sensibility of "never having overnight guests."
- If she is even worth a damn (probably not…remember the yam hole?), she will decline your offer. "No, come on. I’m fine! This pillow is perfect! I actually don’t even use a pillow at home (bullshit), so this one is fine!" The ball is in motion….
- The last step: In the morning, when she awakes from her violent "uncomfortable pillow" nightmares, she will act like nothing is wrong. Because she likes you. What’s not to like? You’re a good guy with a big heart, right? Yams. Her subconscious won’t allow her to complain. You don’t bring it up. As far as she’s concerned, you’ve forgotten about it.
Because you showed her a good time and put it down (I’m assuming), she’ll want to come back!
HERE’S THE PAYOFF: From here on out, every time she has sex at your place, she’ll leave!
That’s right, no cuddling, no slumber party, no "Awww man, I wish I had breakfast blah blah blah otherwise I’d blah blah blah." Her memory of that night sleeping on a cloud of broken glass will haunt her just-cute-enough face forever. As a side note, I don’t recommend putting broken glass inside her pillow. That’s just rude.
You have now successfully hijacked her need to take the relationship past the bump bump†! Congratulations! Job well done. You are now free to move about your life as a man, suppressing your emotions and keeping all others out, including yourself!
†Depending on how strong your game is, you may fail at completing this technique. She could be way more into you then you are willing to admit. She could bring over her own pillow…and leave it. And because you are a piece of shit who can’t deal with real emotions, you won’t stop her. All you can do now is let her spend the night**, call her your girlfriend, and attempt to find some peace within yourself. At least your mother will be happy you’re not alone anymore.
**I would now advise stocking a few essential breakfast items at your house. Eggs, turkey bacon, potato(s), cereal, coffee, you should be writing this down, sugar, cream (hazelnut or French vanilla, perhaps seasonal flavors i.e. pumpkin around Halloween/Thanksgiving), and so on. You’ve eaten breakfast before. Make a goddamn list and head to Kroger.
Fuckin’ yam girl’s dog.