When I stepped foot onto my college campus for the first time, I had one goal in mind: to bang every single chick that I possibly could. The only problem was that every other guy on campus was thinking the same thing. In my first few weeks of classes, I took a lot of notes. None of these notes had a thing to do with any of my current classes; instead, they were on the methods that other guys were using to successfully pick up girls. I noticed that most of them had a lot more to offer than me at the time.

The Drug Dealer

The drug dealer across the hall constantly had girls in his room buying weed in exchange for sex and blowjobs. I mean this literally. I once walked to his room to pick up the herbs, and saw the door was open a crack. Since we were pretty good friends, I just gave a gentle knock and pushed the door open. Lo and behold he was sitting on his bed, pants around the ankles, with a girl going to town.

The Nerdy Asian

Nerdy Asian guy in glasses on his cell phone
Makes himself integral to any equation yielding female gain.
Ying was a nerdy Asian with fogged up glasses in my calculus class. Kid was straight up slaying the beaver like a pissed off irrigation worker on the Mississippi River. In fact, I'm like 96% sure he banged our Asian teacher; just integrated himself right into her equation and never spoke of it again. I assumed he was using homework answers to his advantage, but since I too got homework help from the kid (in exchange for sexual favors, he had a strict "no exceptions" rule), I would feel wrong stealing his method.

The Frat Bros 

The frat bros just sat around drinking Natty Ice all day and night waiting for the weekend. See, the frat guys never hang out with girls on weekdays, or in the daylight, they just get a weeklong buzz that carries into the weekend so they can use that liquid courage to try and persuade—well, more like "command"—girls to come into their room and fuck them. This was a foolish tactic that never worked and is probably the biggest reason why most frats now include rufilin as the main ingredient in the "jungle juice." Their style is wrong on many levels and just not my thing.

The Nice Guy

The nice guy was in some sort of funky community service club. He told me there were a lot of cute girls in the club so I figured I'd give it a whirl. Only problem was that there was a fee to be in this club. Screw that. I'm not dropping $50 a semester to have a fucking ice cream social with a couple homeless dudes once a month. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the homeless, but I'm not paying to eat ice cream, which I hate to begin with.

The Jocks

That left me with the jocks. I noticed that despite having a winless, Division I-AA football team that ran the fullback dive to the right every play, these guys were constantly sleeping with a variety of females. I had never played a down of football in my life, but I decided I would try out anyway… as the team's starting quarterback. And by quarterback I mean punter. I figured it'd be the easiest and safest position, one in which I wouldn't get hit and I wouldn't have the pressures that the real players on the field have.

Well, turns out punters do get hit. In my first contact try-out session my nerves got the best of me and I fumbled the ball. I managed to scoop it back up and tried to make a run for the first down marker like some sort of kamikaze hero. Made it about six inches before I got wrecked by like 12 dudes (pretty sure my center got himself involved in the tackle). I felt like Sasha Gray, but unlike her, I didn't enjoy it. Nor did I get paid for it. Instead I was sent to the hospital with a severely sprained ankle.

The Average College Guy 

Having not found a stereotypical clique to be a part of, I decided I'd create my own: The Average College Guy. Pretty creative and unique, huh? But this story doesn't end on the wrong foot, because at the hospital, I mixed my incredible sense of humor with my charming personality to win over one of the intern nurses helping to treat me. I got her number, took her on a date, and we eventually had sex. Yup, I did things the old-fashioned way and I actually ended up dating the girl for about a month… now her and Ying live together in a one-person apartment.

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