I'll Have a Whiskey on the Breasts, Please
It's liquor, poured over supermodels' breasts. Any complaints? Great.
What is the next level of excess? Well, are you into rum, whiskey, or vodka? What about after it's been poured over the breasts of super models? Then you're in luxury luck, because a German liquor company called G-Spirits is trying to start what I believe will become a new trend. They sell all three liquors, but not until they've cascaded over the enormous bosoms of professionally hot chicks (incidentally, this is also how I like my chocolate milk).
That's right, for about $180 American, you can order yourself a bottle of fermented titty liquid. Each bottle comes with a certificate signed by the model, as well as a nude photo of her bathing in whichever alcohol you choose. The company isn't just hanging their hat on that though. Their alcohol includes scents and flavors such as toffee, honey, vanilla, baked apples, etc. You know, the things your model likes to take a real bath in.
If the thought of your libations running over the skin of a strange woman who's obviously working through some issues doesn't sound hygienic, don't worry... the totally legit, non-shady company swears that each of their models undergoes a thorough health examination and that medical personnel are on hand to verify that the process is safe. When I think of German medical personnel though, for some reason large hairy men in leather aprons come to mind.
This really sets the bar high for other alcohol sellers, and drink distributors in general. I enjoy Mott's apple juice, but I know in my heart that I would enjoy it more if it was poured over the bosoms of a super model. I suppose that goes for everything I will ever drink or eat though. I'm really looking forward to rappers finding out about this. I can see the 2 Chainz video now: he opens the bottle of alcohol that has been pre-poured on a naked woman, and begins pouring it on another half-naked woman. The circle of life...
The company only produced 5,000 bottles of the stuff, which may be another reason it's so pricey. You know, besides the naked lady thing. Not since the condom has there been a product more specifically directed towards men. Sure, it's degrading to women, but they signed up for it. Bros who wear Ed Hardy and think that flavored vodka is an acceptable drink for men will undoubtedly snap it up, which will then reflect poorly on all men.
This is just further proof that sex sells. How dare they exploit men's known love of breasts! Who do they think they are, every other company that has ever tried to market to men?! It really speaks to a double standard that while this liquor seems lavish and exotic, the same thing poured over handsome men's balls and marketed to women would be the worst selling product in history. Granted, that is disgusting to anyone, but my point is that women only have one brain, while men are cursed with two.
The founders of the company are former bartenders I admire. They were able to do something positive with their mommy issues. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like to try it. Here's the website if you're making enough money to impress women, but would rather buy something to turn them off: www.gspirits.com Perhaps they'll come out with a slightly cheaper option for those of us without a lot of money. The alcohol could be poured over the breasts of civil servants, or grocery store employees—just don't be surprised to find a Band-Aid or severed nipple floating around in the cheaper version.
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