My fellow Trump supporters,
In an effort to bridge the divide between those of us who voted for our new president, and the disrespectful bastards who would rather have had razor blades inserted into their rectums than watch his inauguration, I’ve compiled a list of seven ways in which our left-wing fellow citizens aren’t that different from you or me.
1. They like to have a good laugh.
Although we may not be amused by the same things—for example, the setup, “You might be a redneck if…” is enough to send me into paroxysms of guffaws, while my liberal counterpart howls his treasonous head off every Saturday night to an elitist Hollywood freedom-hater impersonating our president—the release of endorphins is approximately the same.
2. They eliminate waste.
While we Trump voters use this phrase to describe the way our party’s small government policies will save American taxpayers trillions of dollars by cutting useless programs like the NEA and NEH, and liberals merely sit on the toilet reading The New York Times, Washington Post, or some other left-wing rag that would be put to better use wiping their asses, at least we can all agree that everyone, regardless of political affiliation, has to pee and poop.
3. They enjoy the great outdoors.
Whether exploring our beautiful national parks aboard a rugged American-made ATV or an overpriced European mountain bike, whether observing elusive wildlife through a gunsight or a pair of bird-watching binoculars, conservatives and liberals alike are free to “recreate” on federal and state controlled lands until the day “We the People” reclaim them, abolishing all government restrictions and reaping their remaining bounty.
4. They don’t want their kids mauled by grizzly bears.
Anyone who saw The Revenant will agree that it’s hard to imagine a more horrific experience than being attacked by a 400-pound ursine assailant bent on tearing you limb from limb.
Liberals: imagine that your second grade son Isaac is sitting innocently in his classroom when an enormous, not-so-gentle Ben wanders in from a nearby forest to bite a chunk out of his skull. Wouldn’t you want his teacher to pull out her high-powered hunting rifle from under her desk and blow that bitch to smithereens?
Of course you would. When put this way, our liberal friends are forced to admit the need for guns in our schools.
5. They want to protect their families.
While we must deal with the very real threat of homosexual couples undermining the foundation of our normal marriages and seducing our children, those same couples have the nerve to accuse us of discrimination every time we refuse to supply a cake or flowers for their godless wedding receptions! If they want to keep their loved ones safe from our disapproval, maybe they shouldn’t have families in the first place.
Why can’t they follow the example of my Uncle Bob and his best friend Uncle Steve, who lived together for 35 years and even slept in the same bed (I know this because I spent the night there once when I was seven, and they explained that Uncle Steve had bad dreams) but never felt the need to adopt the gay lifestyle or put me in the awkward position of having to refuse to bake a cake for their anniversary?
6. They theorize about how we got here.
When it comes to the origin of the species, liberals are gullible enough to believe any cockamamie yarn about Man being descended from apes, while we prefer the more plausible explanation of a naked adult couple being placed fully-formed into a garden containing an apple tree.
It may be hard for liberals to admit that their ancestors cavorted with dinosaurs, but give them time. The scientific evidence, as presented in Genesis and numerous highly-regarded Creationist studies, is so persuasive that they’re bound to come around eventually.
7. They don’t want to be gunned down at the mall.
Where we may differ on our strategies for ending Islamist extremist terrorism—ours being a practical two-point plan of banning an entire religious population from entering the US, while nuking the Middle East back to the Stone Age, and theirs being, well, I don’t think they have much of a plan—neither group wants to spend their weekend shopping excursions hiding behind the Cinnabon counter or harvesting body parts from the floor of the Gap.
The carnage of such terrible attacks will be greatly reduced once our law-abiding citizenry is fully armed and ready to spring into action like their favorite video game characters. All those grueling hours of couch training, fueled by countless six-packs of Bud and bags of Doritos, will finally pay off as our first vigilante hero takes out the Islamist mall shooter with a perfectly aimed shot, not endangering a single bystander other than himself, when he is mistaken for the terrorist by several good Samaritans who spray him with bullets until his body has more holes in it than John Dillinger’s.