Leggings: Destroying Women's Dignity One Camel Toe at a Time
We've all seen it. At some point on your college campus you have encountered the girl who believes that her skin-tight leggings are a completely legitimate form of pants. I don't know who told her that a thin piece of nylon would suffice, but they were fucking wrong. I'm sure almost every guy out there is saying, "What is so wrong with girls wearing skin-tight clothing?" Well, gentlemen, you will find out. And ladies, I just hope you read this article before you dress yourself for class.
First off, camel toe is not a good look for anyone. I repeat, ladies: no one wants to see every nook and cranny of your vag. "But I don't have a camel toe when I wear leggings!" Yes. You do. Unless you pick at your crotch every five minutes (which, for your information, is repugnant if you don't have a ball sack to adjust), at some point your sad excuse for an article of clothing worked its way into a frontal wedgie. Don't argue. You could be Angelina Jolie, and your camel toe would still be repulsive.
Second, leggings are not smoothing your cellulite. It's okay. We're not all perfect. But choosing clothing, such as jeans, that don't emphasize the bumps in your ass/thighs brings you closer to the ultimate goal of attractiveness. I cannot count the amount of times I've been stuck behind a girl wearing leggings on a sidewalk and had no choice but to stare at her cellulite until I have a chance to pass her. And all you ladies that look in the mirror to detect such imperfections are missing one thing: you are stationary in front of a mirror. What about when your muscles flex and contract as you walk? Yeah, that's right; go check your mirror again.
The only thing that can help these legs are a lifetime of exercise, a decade of lyposuction, or a day of amputation.Leggings do not suck in fat. If you weighed 300 pounds before you put on your leggings, trust me, you still look like you weigh 300 pounds. I realize they're tight, but no amount of man-made material will make anything over the amount of two pounds of fat disappear. Shocking, I know. Not only do they not slim your legs and ass down, but they also actually contribute to one of the most revolting features of the human body: muffin tops. You may call them fat sacks, love handles, or spare tires, but they all boil down to the same thing: disgusting. The elastic band around the hip section of your leggings presses into your sides, making your fat bulge outward and everyone around you throw up a little in their mouths. There's nothing that grosses me out more than the sight of muffin tops jiggling and bouncing as a person walks, resulting in eye-casualties everywhere.
"They're so warm and comfortable!"
Yes, leggings may keep you warm, but so do long underwear. In fact, one could say that leggings and long underwear are pretty much the same thing. Would it be appropriate for a guy to wear nothing but long underwear to class? No.
As for comfort, there is a thin line where a certain amount of ugly is accepted to accommodate comfort. Across that line, comfort goes out the window because something is just so retarded that we will give up our own luxury to prevent being seen with it on. Leggings fit into the latter category. If you're so worried about your comfort, buy some sweatpants. Super comfy. No camel toes. No cellulite. No protruding fat.
The moral to the story is that there are thousands of 10-year-old children slaving away in Malaysian sweatshops sewing pants for you to wear. Don't let their 20-hour days pass in vain. Buy jeans. Put on sweatpants. Wear your cargo shorts from 8th grade. And most importantly, stop wearing leggings all by their lonesome. Actually, while you're at it, just stop shopping at American Apparel in general.
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