By Matt House

Obviously it’s a natural downer to leave any place that gives you not only an opportunity to get laid, but a magical elixir to help your forget it when you wake up the following morning next to that girl from calculus with acne on her back and hair on her chin.

But when you go home for a break and someone from high school decides to throw a house party and invited everyone from your high school class, things get really awkward.

When I’m about to leave a party at home, I panic.

  • What is the appropriate way to say goodbye to people?
  • Do I go around and shake every single person's hand and do the cliché one-arm-hug-and-pat-on-the-back and say it was good to see them?
  • Do I just do a big homecoming queen wave to the whole party?
  • Or should I sneak out unnoticed and avoid any sort of confrontation?
  • Even if I somehow overcome this dilemma and decide that I’ll say goodbye to a certain few, how do I narrow it down?
  • Should I say goodbye to the kid that stole my girlfriend in 11th grade but bought me beer the entire year before I turned 21 because he felt guilty?
  • Do I even think about shaking the hand of the kid I caught masturbating in the school bathroom freshman year?
  • How about the girl who stalked me for three years and just recently stopped poking me on Facebook?

I know it’s not just me; this is always the most stressful part of my night (right behind trying to convince my ex that I wasn’t the one who gave her pubic lice).


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