On a medieval battlefield in Scotland. General Haggis rages before his army of ragtag Scottish men. He is a burly man with a grizzly beard.
General Haggis: HOLY BLOODY PUSSIES!!! ARE YOU GUYS PISSED OFF?!
The Scotsmen: Aye!
General Haggis: Are you BOOZED UP!?
The Scotsmen: Aye!
General Haggis: I’m so fucking PISSED my dick might EXPLOOOODE!!!
The Scotsmen: Aye!!!
General Haggis: Those fancy pants GAYLORDS over there PORKED OUR WIVES! They PORKED them real GOOD! That gets my blood fucking HOT! I’m going to go over there AND KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!
He points at the English Army half a mile away.
General Haggis: FUCK YOU!!!!!! WHO’S WITH ME?!
The Scotsmen: Aye!!!!
General Haggis and his men raise their mugs of beer and chug them. Prince Percy strolls up to his men. He rides in on a majestic white steed. He is gallant with long blond hair.
Prince Percy: General Haggis, I was wondering if I might also have a word with our men before the glorious fight.
General Haggis: Huh!?
Prince Percy: A word with the men!
General Haggis: But… we need to KILL THEM NOOOOOW!!
Prince Percy: It can wait! I want to inspire our men. Gentlemen of Scotland!
General Haggis screams and rips his fur coat off. He’s so angry he picks up a huge rock and slams it into his forehead. The force knocks him off his feet and sends him flying back. He gets up staggered and confused.
Prince Percy: Are you done?!
General Haggis: Aye… I think I’m just going to… lay down… for a little bit…
General Haggis sits down and stares at the ground with a wavering gaze. Prince Percy turns back to the crowd.
Prince Percy: Scotsmen! I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Prince Percy looks heroically at his men. No one says a thing. After a moment they start looking around at each other. One man hesitates then speaks up.
Inquisitive Scotsman: Why?
Prince Percy: I thought you’d never ask! I want to thank you for dying for my glory.
They look around at each other puzzled, after a bit another man speaks up.
Upfront Scotsman: But we’re not dying for you.
Prince Percy: Yes you are. Every single one of you is dying for my glory.
Another Scotsman speaks up.
Brave Scotsman: Nah we’re dying cause they PORKED our wives!
General Haggis staggers up, screams in rage and hacks murderously at the ground with his huge axe.
On the English side of the battle field we see English soldiers standing around watching the Scotsmen arguing from across the way. We see a group of three English men listening intently. They look very proper but are kind of girlish.
English Man 1: What are they doing over there?
English Man 2: Those monkeys are arguing.
English Man 3: Probably because we had intercourse with their wives.
They all have a good laugh.
English Man 2: Yes I lusted that man’s wife right there! I made him watch while I did it. Quite devilish of me I’d say.
He blurts out laughing.
English Man 3: I made love with that man’s wife… then to all his daughters too! …And they’re pregnant!
He laughs uproarious. English Man 4 jumps in. He is much shorter than the others.
English Man 4: That’s terrible, guys!
They stop laughing.
English Man 2: That’s because you’re gay!
English Man 4: No! You’re gay!
English Man 3: We’re all gay, fellas!
English Man 1: Then why do we have sex with those women?
English Man 3: Because it is our right! We are better than them. Our babies are better than theirs because we are rich.
English Man 2: Right! Then it’s agreed, our babies are better!
All three cheer then look back across the battlefield.
On the Scotland side of the battlefield, General Haggis is still screaming and murdering the ground. He appears visibly tired.
Prince Percy: Are you done?!
He walks up to Prince Percy.
General Haggis: But sir, if I don’t kill them right now I, I might die.
Prince Percy: That’s ridiculous, Haggis! You’re not going to die. Just wait! I’m almost done!
General Haggis screams with a sudden burst of energy and takes off like a madman. He holds his axe in one hand as he pumps towards the English Army hundreds of yards away. No one moves, after a moment of silence.
Inquisitive Scotsman: Why aren’t we runnin?
Upfront Scotsman: I was waitin for you to run.
Inquisitive Scotsman: Well I was waitin for you!
Prince Percy: No one is running until I’m sure you understand what you are dying for! Namely, my honor.
Upfront Scotsman: But we’re not dying for you.
Prince Percy: Why not?
The Brave Scotsman steps forward.
Brave Scotsman: Because you’re an asshole!
Prince Percy: Why?! Because I’m rich?! Because I have power?! Because I’m famous and pork hot women all the time?! Why?!
Brave Scotsman: …Well, yeah.
Percy points at a soldier.
Prince Percy: You sir! Where do you live?!
Inquisitive Scotsman: In a hole in the ground!
Prince Percy: Well, I live in a fabulous castle.
Percy points at another soldier.
Prince Percy: You sir! Is your wife ugly?!
Upfront Scotsman: Aye, horrid!
Prince Percy: Well all my wives are beautiful. Unbelievable, I’d dare say.
Prince Percy picks out another soldier.
Prince Percy: You sir! Are you standing in a pile of shit?!
The Scotsman looks down.
Brave Scotsman: Aye!
Prince Percy: And you don’t even care?!
He responds with no shame.
Brave Scotsman: Aye.
Prince Percy: Well that’s disgusting and stupid… So you see, that is why you need me, because I am rich and smart.
Inquisitive Scotsman: Where does your money come from?
Prince Percy: My inheritance.
Upfront Scotsman: Where did that come from?
Prince Percy: Your parents and you.
Brave Scotsman: Then why don’t we have any money?
Unknown Scotsman: Look, I’m so poor I can’t even afford to buy clothes. I gotta fight butt naked and whip them with this twig I pulled off a tree.
The camera pulls out to show him as the only naked soldier amongst clothed fighting men. He’s holding the pathetic twig in one hand and covering his private with the other.
Prince Percy: I don’t know why that is! It’s too much math! Listen guys. I earned this… I didn’t have to do anything to earn it but I eaaaarned it. Sooo could you show me a little respect by screaming my name as you die for me. OOOOK! It’s really not a big deal!
Inquisitive Scotsman: But what if I think of something else before I die… like my wife or children or something? You know… something happy.
Prince Percy: No! It must be me! I don’t understand why you guys aren’t getting this!
The women’s side of the battle side. The wives of the Scotsmen are waiting for the battle to start from the edge of the forest. They see them arguing with Prince Percy. General Haggis is about to reach the English and the English sit there unsure of what to do. A very wrinkly old woman speaks up.
Crone: I can’t see anything! What are they doing?
Fat Woman: Who the fuck knows. Men are so stupid!
The Crone picks up a huge horn and puts it to her ear.
The Fat Woman screams into the horn.
Fat Woman: MEN ARE STUPID!
After a moment’s pause.
Crone: I love you too, deary.
She puts the horn down and smiles. The Fat Woman shakes her head. A beautiful redhead speaks up.
Beautiful Redhead: Yes! Fly forth my lovers and slice your heads off for me! Oh! My heart is a flurry of emotion. It’s so hot! Should I take my clothes off to motivate them?
Without waiting for a response she drops her robe and steps out into the light of the battlefield. We only see her from behind and the men on the battlefield from her perspective. No one notices her. The argument between Prince Percy and his men continues while General Haggis clashes with rallying Englishmen. A very ugly woman steps out from the woodwork. She has buck teeth, with a heavy unibrow, hair sticking out her ears, and a caveman-shaped body. She has a deep-sounding tumble rock voice.
Ugly Woman: Oh my sweet husband! How I love him!
She stands there for a minute.
Ugly Woman: Children! Come out and watch your father die.
Nine ugly children who look just like her step out from the shadows of the woods. The Ugly Woman points at the man General Haggis is about to engage.
Ugly Woman: There’s your new father… He’s riiich.
General Haggis cuts his head off.
Ugly Woman: Aww… well maybe that one.
The next man screams as he’s split in half.
Ugly Woman: Dammit! …Oh! That one looks promising.
A tiny English man runs up and stabs General Haggis in the butt several times. General Haggis turns around and punts the little man like a football across the field.
Ugly Woman: Aww, no one is ever going to kill him!
The Beautiful Woman graciously waves her hand at the men.
Beautiful Woman: Unsheathe thy sword and split thy dicks in twine!
Crone: Are they dead yet? Do we have new husbands? What’s happening?!
Fat Woman: Nothing! Those idiots are just standing around.
Crone: What, deary? We have new husbands?!
She puts the horn up to her ear. The Fat Woman grabs it and screams as loud as she can.
Fat Woman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The Crone is unfazed then smiles.
Crone: Go? …. Go to my new husband? …. Yes! Glorious day!
The Crone walks out into the battlefield and starts slowly moving towards the Englishmen.
Crone: I haven’t had sex in fifty years. Oh I can’t wait to have a young rich stud inside me. I’m going to have sex with him all night… And after an eighteen hour nap, more sex…
Beautiful Woman: That’s gross!
The Crone begins wandering farther off.
Fat Woman: I’m with her. Fuck this!
The Fat Woman follows her.
Ugly Woman: Come on, children, let’s go and meet your new daddy.
The Ugly Woman grabs her child’s hand and leads them towards the English. More women come out of the forest and begin to follow them.
Beautiful Woman: But what about love? …What about dying for love?!
No one listens to her. On the Scottish side of the battlefield, the men see their women moving towards the English.
Inquisitive Scotsman: Oye! What are they doing?
Everyone stops and stares.
Upfront Scotsman: They’re going towards those BASTARDS!
Brave Scotsman: What!?
No one can believe it.
Naked Scotsman (A.K.A Unknown Scotsman): That’s fucked up!