In the future, there will be swords again. I am from there—the future—and my people chose me to come back and warn your generation about the oncoming swordslaught. In our future reality, a swordslaught is an onslaught of swords: and that is your future.

It will begin first with the "Great Sword Giveaway" at Chuck’s Swords and Other Barbaric Weapons Novelty Store in Arkansas City, Kansas in 2013. Our future scriptures speak of Chuck as a dangerous man, and his prices for swords were low—sometimes referred to as "crazy low"; several thousand people were able to purchase swords in one day.

Most people you will know will be blacksmiths and most of the people in the world will be named Blacksmith!This led to the "Great Sword Playoffs" of 2017, where millions of Americans and some internationals competed in the first modern sport to offer a death-based point system (note: Death Kill: The Murder Show offered contestants tokens to be used as "points" for the "Kill Store." It did not distribute points. However, loyal fans consider Death Kill: The Murder Show the pioneer of the modern death-based point system).

I know this information can be of some surprise to you, but your civilization needs to know this! Swords are making a great return. It’s true! There will be so many swords in your daily life that you’ll be up to your neck in swords—literally!

Man with sword down throat getting xray
A future human I have been authorized to show you, victim to the swordslaught.
You will consider it a fad or a phase young people are into: buying so many swords, they’re literally up to their necks. But by 2022, the epidemic will have swept the Earth. People will own hundreds of swords, and so will their friends, family and neighbors. Some people will bury their swords in their backyards to reduce the number of swords they think others think they have, but the truth is they’ll have just about the same amount of swords as everyone else. The only difference is if those people who bury swords are attacked suddenly, they will have to dig up some swords at some point during the sword fight.

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THIS MAY HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!

I must remind you I am from the future and am here to warn you of your extreme sword-use future!!! I have come with horrifying tales chronicling the human downfall, which mostly—if not all—feature: swords, sword battles, sword honoring ceremonies, sword tricks, sword illusions, sword combat, sword slicing techniques, sword carrying laws, sword holidays & prayers, sword designs, sword manners, and sword holding cases.

But there is more to your future than just swords! In fact, one of the most common physical wounds you can have in the future is a sword wound! The second most common wound are hand blisters caused by sword use! Then there’s another sword-related wound, but it might be a little less prevalent than this one insect bite we get a lot in the future, which makes me want to hold off on naming a third most common wound until I am given the actual statistics.

Sword sculptures on an island
One of many odes to future sword culture.
Furthermore, your culture will surely crumble when the blacksmith occupation is no longer an assigned role at Colonial-era themed parks! Most people you will know will be blacksmiths and most of the people in the world will be named Blacksmith! This obviously leads to the "Great Blacksmith Die Out" of 2043 and ultimately to the current sword war that ravages planet Earth in my present, which is your future!

If you aren’t scared now, then how about this:

SWooooooooRDS! THEY’RE COOOOOMMMING!!!!! SWORDS! SWooooooORDS! WHOOSH SLASH! STAB STAB STABBIDY STAB! SWoooooooRDS!!! SWORDS!!!! THEY’RE COMING!!!!

Sorry to spook you. The time travel serum appears to be wearing off, and it is making me appear all ghost-like. I am leaving you now, 2011 Earth. I’m fading back into my time: 2046 Earth.

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Before I go, you must remember you have the power to prevent this swordtastic future! The only way to do it is by stopping Chuck of Chuck’s Swords and Other Barbaric Weapons Novelty Store from having his "Great Sword Giveaway" in 2013.

Please! The future is yours!

Haunting image of many swords

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