Teen drug use is on the rise, and you don’t need to go far to hear about crazy new drugs we just didn’t have in the 80’s. Molly, ice, tinder, and smack are all parts of every teen’s vocabulary now and should be a part of any parent’s.

One of the hardest things to tell is if your teen is on drugs. If they are, you should do everything you can to get them help. But don’t jump the gun and send your kid to rehab when he could just be the dark harbinger of legend.

Here’s our guide to helping discerning parents tell what’s going on with little Johnny.

If your kid constantly seems tired…

He’s probably on some sort of drugs.

It’s common for “downers” to cause fatigue, as the name implies. And if he’s on stimulants like cocaine or crystal meth, he’s probably been up all night and ran out of energy.

Either way, you should be careful about what you’re defining as “constant.” A child who’s tired a few times during the week is normal, given the difficulty of school and extracurriculars. But if your child hasn’t seemed energetic in weeks or months, you should have him take a drug test.

But if your kid instantly drains the youth and energy from the room…

Then you can rest easy knowing he’s the dark harbinger of legend.

The ultimate parental health guide on this issue, the scroll that’s hidden in the right eye-socket of your great-great-great grandmother’s exhumed corpse, clearly states:

“Lo! the blood our family hath sewn is not complete
As we hath taken life so shall ours be abandoned
Our own young shalt absorb our youth
our zest
our lives
for the lives we’ve taken shalt not be forgiven.”

Translation: Your teen is just the apocalyptic repayment for centuries of evil and injustice that are bigger than you or any member of your immediate household, and there’s nothing you can do about it. What a relief!

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If your kid smells like pot…

It’s not a new cologne, he wasn’t just in a stoner’s car on the way home, and he certainly didn’t get sprayed by a skunk.

Sometimes the simplest answer is the only one: he was out smoking pot, and you should be worried about his use of the gateway drug. Find and flush his stash and make sure you remind him that when you smoke pot, you smoke your future.

Drugs photo

But if your kid smells like the ashes of hopes, dreams, and innocence…

Then you should be proud of him for really living up to his role as the dark harbinger of legend.

Your child’s belongings, clothing, mind, body, and spirit likely all reek of the stench of burning death, ever-permeating and destructive. The stench exists simultaneously as smell, sight, and the feeling of losing hope for humanity and yourself.

And while our bodies and souls may have no future, at least he isn’t throwing his future away with drugs.

If your kid disappears on the weekend…

He’s doing drugs, and you need to do something.

Teens sneak out, it’s in their nature. But if you don’t see your teen from Friday to Sunday, chances are he’s not sneaking out to do something wholesome like getting his first O.T.P.H.J. at Dairy Queen. Just because he’s a teen doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pay attention to where he’s going and what he’s up to.

Try putting an alarm on your doors or replacing his drugs with carrot sticks so he at least gets a nice dose of vitamin C while he thinks he’s snorting ketamine.

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Either way, do something to keep your son safe.

But if pets and infants disappear around your kid…

You may be worried, and that understandable. But for some reason, most parents instantly jump to the worst conclusion here: that their child is selling neighborhood pets and children for drugs.

Luckily, this probably isn’t the case. Particularly if your great-great-grandfather was a mortician burnt to death by an angry mob after it was revealed that he sold the corpses of the deceased and buried empty caskets, it’s likely that your child is just the fulfillment of the ominous energy he released through his actions, an all-consuming vortex of death that will eventually suck us all in, leaving only ashes and the residue of our broken dreams and unfulfilled desires.

And if that’s the case, you should be proud of him for finding out who he is without drugs.

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