Whenever I write an article or post a video, I can usually expect to receive a fair bit of mail. One question that regularly crops up is, "What drugs are you on, and where can I get some?" While the answer to the first part of that question is fairly straightforward (a cocktail of whiskey, ketamine, and paprika), the second part really does deserve a more in-depth explanation.

Of course, it’s going to be different for each person, depending on local culture, law enforcement capability, corruption, geographical location, and socioeconomic status. But dealing with all those variables would be a lot of work, so instead I’m going to make some sweeping generalizations and call it a day. I admit that I’m not an expert on the matter, but I did watch most of Scarface one time, which I feel more or less qualifies me.

Side note: I also regularly get mail accusing my articles of racial intolerance. I am disgusted by such baseless allegations, and re-iterate that I hold all races and cultures in equal esteem, without prejudice.

Step 1: Find a Brown Person

It doesn’t really matter what kind of brown person you get, although in order to deal with a Hispanic, you will have to be able to speak Mexican. They’re still angry that we took them away from Africa, and refuse to learn how to speak normal. If possible, find one with facial hair—they are less tame, and will probably have better stock.

Famous black guy
Perfect!

In the event you can’t find a brown person, find a white person who speaks strangely and wears loose-fitting clothes. They aren’t guaranteed to have some, but they should at least know where to find what you’re after. As with Hispanics, language barriers may be an issue.

Famous Australian guy
"Crikey, are yah’ sheilas fair dinkum billy-lids?"

Alternatively, you can simply paint one of your white friends in blackface. However, this is considered to be perpetuating racial stereotypes, and I detest racial intolerance in all its forms. On the plus side, you now have created your very own drug dealer! Make sure to fill out all the relevant paperwork to complete the property transfer.

Step 2: Prepare for the Transaction

When preparing to introduce yourself to the drug dealer, try to treat the meeting like an interview. Due to the nature of their trade, drug dealers are very careful about avoiding law enforcement, and are secretive towards strangers. Try to establish trust early on by making yourself appear reliable and upstanding. Make sure you turn up clean-shaven and well-groomed, preferably in a well-fitted suit. Studies have shown that the color blue has a calming effect, so try to incorporate this into your outfit as much as possible.

Step 3: Make the Rendezvous

Drug deal in a car 

While most dealers typically have a set time and place that they are available for business, it never hurts to call ahead and schedule a meeting. During the call, make sure to clearly and specifically describe what you want, so that they can prepare the items for your arrival.

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Be sure to give them your full name and phone number so that they can get back to you if your order is problematic, or the 5-0 lays the beatdown on them. If you don’t have their number and "Big Al" isn’t listed in the phonebook, you’ll just have to show up and hope for the best.

Step 4: Select Your Drugs

Smoke weed on Tumblr 

These days, your average dealer has access to a veritable cornucopia of mind-altering substances. If you’re unsure what you want, ask your supplier for personal recommendations. If they tell you they don’t use their own supply, this suggests that they have little faith in their product, and you would be well advised to try somewhere else. Also, when ordering, always check if the stock was produced locally—make sure your custom is supporting your community!

When you’ve made up your mind, you must order your chosen substance. But in the same way you can’t just go up to a bar and ask for "beer," you can’t roll up to a dealer and request "heroin." There are many different brand names, and you would do well to learn them to avoid looking like an amateur.

WRONG: "I would like four drugs, please."

RIGHT: "I’ll have ten g’s of Grand Daddy Purp, half a beat of Queen Anne Lubage, and a yellow torpedo of Pop Marley."

DO NOT ASK FOR CHARLIE SHEEN. YOUR FACE WILL MELT OFF AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL WEEP OVER YOUR EXPLODED BODY.

If you don’t know what you want, throw together some random color combinations and paramilitary weapons. Odds are that "Orange Molotov" will mean something to somebody.

Orange Molotov Cocktail
"How do you even know about the Pearlescent Car Bomb?"

Bonus Tip – Know Your Rights!

Just because drug dealers operate outside the law doesn’t mean they’re not accountable to their customers. If a dealer fails to deliver the promised goods at the agreed price, call them out on it. Learn the Federal Trade Commission Acts, and your state’s local laws on false advertising. If they are conducting business unethically, threaten to report them to the Better Business Bureau, or the even the press—the threat of bad publicity or legal action will usually be enough to get them to live up to their obligations.

Step 5: Make Payment

While cash has long been the predominant transactional medium, the rise of credit cards means that this form of payment is becoming obsolete. Most drug dealers will appreciate it if you pay with your card, as this makes it easier for them to calculate their taxes.

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I understand that many drug dealers also accept blowjobs as a form of payment. I’ve not had the opportunity to try this out, as my girlfriend keeps me locked up in a vicious chastity belt to preserve my virtue. If anyone does try this, please write to tell me how it went.

If you’re an undercover police officer, mention this to them. Many dealers have discounted rates for law enforcement personnel. Make sure to get a receipt, for tax purposes.

Step 6: Get Home

Congratulations! You have successfully purchased your first Tie-Dye Kalashnikov! However, once the baggie is in your hands, YOU ARE NOW IN POSSESSION OF ILLEGAL GOODS. THIS IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE. POINTS IN CASE EXPLICITLY CONDEMNS ANY AND ALL ILLEGAL ACTIVITY.

You must immediately cease possessing these goods. While the fastest means of doing so is to simply throw them away, this is considered a grave insult in drug culture, and the dealer will interpret it as meaning he has served you substandard goods. Therefore, your best option is simply to take them immediately.

Bonus Tip – Don’t Overdo It!

Taking too much of a drug at once can be dangerous. Take this into account while making your purchase. For instance, if you are consuming a large amount of stimulants, it is wise to shoot up some heroin to balance it out.

Now that you have returned to decent, law-abiding society, it’s time to go home. Depending on the substances you purchased, you may have already begun to feel the effects by the time you get in your car (sure, you could walk home, but our ancestors labored and died so that we might drive automobiles and avoid direct sunlight. Will you spit on their memory by using your legs?).

It is dangerous to yourself and others to drive while under the influence of mind-altering substances, so you’ll want to minimize the amount of time you spend on the road. For this reason, it is important to drive like a chipmunk on speed. This shouldn’t be difficult, on account of all the speed you’ve ingested.

Pretend you’re a chipmunk, is what I’m saying.

In the event that the police pull you over, simply explain to them that you are extremely high and bro look how big my hands are. They’ll understand, and may even have a special hotel for you to go to!

Step 7: How to Deal With the Mind-Breaking Trip, the Legal Ramifications of Your Actions, and the Physiological and Psychological Issues Presented by Drug Abuse, Both in the Immediate- and Long-Term

Uh, pass.

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