I've had enough crotch-crimping mornings waking up in blue jeans to know that denim does not bust the charts in premier pajama material. But outside of this very small sliver of preference, this textile is a GOD. It's durable, it's casual, and to me, it's incredibly fashionable, especially for the holidays (regardless of which ones you choose to celebrate, observe, or equally admonish with your jaded Uncle Billy).

In every arena of physical beauty, the ability to be fashion-conscious at all times is what separates the wheat from the chaff—even if you happen to be chafing. So while you're slowly drinking the sugary egg nectar known as "nog," take a moment to look down below your torso. What type of textile is trimming your thighs? Is it denim? Are you a guy? Then that's okay. And if you're a lady, wearing denim below the waist is perfectly okay, too.

Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears in denim outfits

The ghosts of Levi, Strauss, and Sears-Roebuck smile upon anyone still wearing blue jeans and her derivatives on the regular. Accompanying apple pie, French fries, and Kardashian nudes, blue jeans have ascended into American royalty. I realize this isn't a monarchy, but denim is king. Not too long ago, many of us even wore denim above the waist, and many of our northern neighbors still do. That's right, I'm talking about Canada.

Canada is a country that believes in socialized medicine and wearing denim as if it were chic medieval armor. The Canucks drink their milk out of bags and look damn good while doing it. And although Canadian syntax renders it a jacquet, even their "jacket" is still jacked with denim.

BUT, wonderful Canadian mysteries aside, the trend-savvy and thread-sexy among us must ask ourselves the questions,

A) How much denim is too much denim?

HA-HA don't make me chortle! There is NO SUCH THING as TOO MUCH DENIM.

and B) Is there such a thing as too much denim?

Didnt I just answer that?

DO YOU NEED A GERMAN MERMAID TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?!?

Oh wow. Sorry for getting toasty in the trousers. It's just when you get passionate about something, you know?

Anyway, for those of you "visual learners" who fail to see my point, here's a quick denim deployment guide to get you through the whimsical belief-paste that is the holidays:

DENIM ENSEMBLE

APPROPRIATENESS

Just a pair ‘o jeans

OK

One pair jeans, one denim vest

Satisfactory

Just a denim vest

What about your legs?

One denim jacket

If you're also chain-smoking, it should suffice

Denim jacket plus denim vest

Which two of your cousins are getting married?

Pair ‘o jeans, one denim jacket, one denim vest

FUCKING STELLAR

Pair ‘o jeans, one denim jacket, one denim vest, AND a denim hat

You ruined it. Burn the hat.

Moral of the story, boys and girls, is that looking unbelievably awesome is unbelievably easy. You just need to interpret from the above table that good things come in threes (denim jacket plus denim vest plus denim blue jeans), and if you put denim on your head, then you're just gonna look like a moron, and nobody outside of Joni Mitchell will ever want to make love to you.

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