It’s a bright Saturday morning and you wake up to find that you’re feeling a little bit off. Does your mouth feel like a mix between sandpaper and sawdust? "Just a little, yeah." Is the sun looking and feeling more like the white light one sees before death? "Yes. Is that you, God?" No it’s not God and you’re not in the Sahara Desert my friend…you’re hungover.
Slowly lifting your head, you find that you are indeed wearing the same outfit you had on last night, shoes and all. Not only that, but you appear to be sporting some of your late night snack as well. With some chicken crusted into your hair, you try to avoid looking at, or smelling the contents that remarkably resemble a fajita dub on your pillow. While slowly drifting to the bathroom, the floorboards that usually make a silent "creaking noise" now sound like an air horn blasting centimeters from your ear and your roommate’s cheerful "Good Morning!" makes you cringe. "Please stop yelling at me," you reply as the journey to the toilet gets longer and longer.
Finally, you can begin the post-drinking cycle that every college student must undergo in order to regain the strength and motivation to do it all over again the next night.
Step 1: The Morning Vomit
Style points at least.As disgusting as it is, there’s nothing better than ridding your body entirely of the poisonous contents still lingering from last night. (That is, of course, if it spews strictly out of your mouth. If it comes out your nose…I am so sorry.) You look down and see what you hope is the remainder of last night’s dinner and not a chunk of lung bobbing up and down. Still feel a bit nauseous? Rest your weary cold-sweated head on that porcelain throne and let the coolness glide over you like a baby blanket. You’ll be in excellent range if step 1 takes the place of step 2, 3 and 4.
Step 2: Hangover Taboo
Today you and anyone in close proximity will just have to ban certain words that may cause you to high-tail it to the bathroom. The words "booze," "shots," "vomit," "Rick’s," "chunks," and anything that sounds remotely similar, are strictly forbidden. As a matter of fact, add wherever you ate last night to that list…just to be safe. Do not say them. Do not think them. Don’t even write them out. Trust me, it’s for your own good.
Step 3: Swear Off Alcohol Completely
At this point, you’ve had it! It’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon and you still can’t keep down any form of food, you’ve finished your fifth Gatorade, and you were just informed that your strip tease at The Shark got a standing ovation. "That’s it!" you yell. "I’m not drinking ever again." Looking back now, this statement is completely and totally ridiculous, but at the time you were not thinking clearly and taking a vow of sobriety seemed like a good idea at the time.
Step 4: Prepare For That First Sip
So it’s 8:30 and you begin completely denying the fact that you swore off drinking five hours earlier. Your body suddenly doesn’t feel like it’s been brutally beaten to a pulp by Mike Tyson and you’ve managed to keep down a slice of Wonder Bread and a string cheese for two solid hours! You’ve made the incredibly wise decision that you’ll be going out again and instantly begin to dread that awful first shot. You no longer have protection from the once off-limits vocabulary, and you can smell the fifth being opened from a mile away. But you’re a Spartan, and determined to have yet another good night (preferably without the strip tease). So you raise your glass and clink it with those around you, daydreaming about repeating steps 1 through 4 tomorrow.