The Freshman Alcohol Major

A funny thing happens when one enters college. Actually, lots of funny shit happens, but the most curious is that of a student’s decision to declare his or her favorite alcoholic beverage, aka the “alcohol major.” There are many different choices (and you may change your major several times before graduation) but all are bound to get you so drunk that you will make the ULTIMATE pledge to yourself: a pinky-swear never to drink again. Of course this is a promise that is sure to be broken by the week’s end, leading up to you breaking up as friends with yourself.

Categorically, you really only have two choices: liquor or beer (Boone’s Farm doesn’t count as “wine”). The liquor drinkers are composed of two groups of people. The first are those who like cocktails, i.e. freshmen/sophomore girls and the weird “I talk to you even though you’re clearly not interested” guy on your floor. They drink screwdrivers, Sprite-bombs, and some foolish concoction with juice that ends up being too sweet even for a hummingbird.

The other group of people in the liquor category are the connoisseurs, or “trouble students,” as their universities call them. We prefer the term “lushes.” Whatever their elixir of choice, they have a snobby attitude towards someone drinking another brand. “What? You think that 5 O’ Clock vodka is better than Barton’s charcoal distillation process? Clearly you’re absurd.” I must admit, that was the main argument I had with people my sophomore year after I’d taken 26 shots of VooDews (half Barton vodka, half Mountain Dew... because I’m extreme). I only knew how many I’d had because at one point or another, every college student has a night where they make tally marks for each shot taken. It’s like a science experiment on your liver.

Beer drinkers make up a larger category, as beer is delicious. First, there are the pupils who will drink nothing other than Bud Light for the first six months of school; you know, because they’re so fly. The easiest way to mock this person is by pointing out that everyone else has already discovered that by drinking Natural Light, they can save enough money to buy a $20 sack a week. These spendthrifts are also the lucky ones who will discover that Natty Ice, the atom bomb of beers, is the most delicious beverage on this mighty rock of ours. To them, it’s the spice of life, and it’s twice as nice, at a brain-jarring 5.9 percent alcohol. I know a guy who once drank a six-pack of tall boys and saw a pink elephant in his dorm room. He was so mashed that he shat his pants when he saw the rest of the herd. Oh, how I would love to shake the hand of the person who decided to put battery acid in a can and call it Natty Ice.

And then there is the depressing group that only drinks Keystone Light, or some other water-like substance that costs too much and doesn’t even come in a thirty-pack. Don’t talk to these people. That is, unless you want to hear what happened on SportsCenter exactly one year ago today. While I will admit that these beers can be useful—like if you’re going to be drinking for 12 hours straight, or you’re out of beer and the kid whose room you’re in is passed out and has a fully stocked mini-fridge—I have better suggested uses for this bile.

Number 1: Try to get an animal to drink it. Not only will this make for at least half an hour of fun trying to wrangle some beast into your clutches so you can get it drunk, it will also result in a drunk animal. And as everyone knows, that’s the best kind. I’d suggest the following: ducks, squirrels, mountain lions, or any other animal found easily around campus. If you find yourself in need of defense from the drunk animals, you can always hurl some of your 12-ounce “back breaker” bombs their way. If it doesn’t seriously wound the attacking creature, hopefully the can will bust open, allowing the beer to spill forth. If you’re lucky, the animal will have become an alcoholic faster than you did and will drink the beer instead of your blood.

Number 2: Beer Slip ‘n Slide. I’m sure you all remember how much fun sliding down bumpy earth on top of a thin plastic water slide was. Now, imagine this in your dorm hallway, but with beer that you can imbibe on the ride to the end. Did you just cream your pants a little bit? I thought you might. When attempting the “drink and slide” as I like to call it, always remember to make sure that your RA is bound and gagged in his room, or the dumpster outside.

And those are your options my friends. If you haven’t picked a major, I commend you and advise you to keep your options open. If you've already picked a major but need something more to stimulate your brain, double major or add a minor. Just remember that wine is fightin’ juice and drinking liquor makes your pee-pee stop working. Find the drunk that’s right for you. Good luck.