A Burglar's Guide to Break-In Etiquette

Sure, you're robbing somebody, but show some common courtesy.

Burglar breaking in a home window.

Oh abductors of assets, plunderers of possessions. How many times have you ransacked a room or marauded a mansion and left it a disheveled dominion? How many times have you frantically frisked your casualty's clothes drawers all over the condominium because there weren't any heirlooms you could hawk for heroin? How many times have you barbarously bashed a window with a brick, when you could've courteously climbed through it?

Well, burglars, instead of being remorseless that you liquidated the life savings of a 75-year-old lady (who is going to die in three years of cancer), it is time someone teaches you manners and respect for the fellow humans you're heisting. The following tips are very crucial for your transitioning from careless klepto to cordial crook, so listen up.

1. Shut the door and close the window.

Just because your synapses are scattered from sleazy substances, doesn't mean your victim's clothes have to be.What is more frustrating than coming home and noticing that your entire safe is gone, which you thought would make your money inaccessible? Having to deal with a cold draft because the thief failed to be thoughtful enough to shut the door (or window) while he migrated with your merchandise. Put yourself in your victim's shoes. How would you feel after arriving home from a warm sunny Florida vacation to find that not only have your precious possessions been pilfered, but your house is colder than a female Siberian zombie's vagina? All because your home invader wasn't hospitable enough to keep the cold air out after wiping out everything you worked hard for your entire life.

2. Leave a polite note, with the phone number to the police department attached.

You've Been Burgled. Thanks for Your Time Away. Call 911 in EmergencyThe note should inform your victims that their valuables have been vaporized. Here is an example of what a letter to your victims should look like (and it is penned by the friendliest felon around, Cranston the Cordial Crook):

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith,

Good evening? How was your vacation in Florida? I hope you still can relish those warm memories, even though a few things are now missing from your home. I will be kind enough to list what I robbed from you, so that the police report is correct.

  • $40,000 in your safe. Thank you for not owning one of those safes that are bolted to the ground. It saved me a lot of time and energy because I did not have to use a blow torch to open it.

  • Six of Mrs. Smith's credit cards (I promise I will only use one and sell the other three to my crackhead comrades). By the way, here is a reminder of the due dates of your credit card bills (I marauded your mail, sorry for my malfeasance. I promise I shredded your mail so no one else fraudulently uses your card numbers): Visa due on the 12th, American Express due on the 3rd, Capital One on the 24th, and Bank of America on the 15th.

  • All of Mrs. Smith's jewelry. When I arrived back to my motel room, I realized 98% of it was fake. I wish I could have taken the time to sort through it all in your home. I couldn't, due to deafening sound of your alarm system. (As a polite gesture to future potential purloiners, please consider investing in silent alarms.) So, I had to spend hours carving fake engravings in it, so it looked real enough to sell to my fence. However, ever since I sold him a pound of baby powder as phenomenal Peruvian flake, he doubts any stolen property that I sell him is authentic. If I can't bamboozle someone into buying your bogus bauble, I will probably reappear in your residence to return your junk jewelry. I do want you to at least be in repossession of something I ransacked from you as a sign of remorse.

There are probably more items I burglarized, but since I was Zannied out, I cannot recollect. I hope you aren't mad at me for my misconduct. I want you to know that even though I steal gold, my heart is made of it as well. Please be kind enough to visit this tenderhearted thief in prison after apprehension.

Thank you for this stupendous score,

Hugs and Kisses,
Your Burglar

P.S. The number to the police station is attached to the refrigerator on a sticky note. By the way, could you please leave mint flavored ice cream in the freezer, in case I do decide to boost your belongings again?

3. Don't leave a mess.

Why is it that burglars insist on committing slovenly scores instead of neat knockoffs? Listen up oh crackhead crime committers, just because your synapses are scattered from sleazy substances, doesn't mean your victim's clothes have to be.

4. Confirm that your victim has insurance.

Home crime scene after burglary
Money makes the crime go 'round.
I will tell you how to make sure their insurance covers sextuple what they actually had in safes, six Monet paintings (which they never owned), and an Amazing Spider-Man #1 autographed by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby (also that they never owned). To make sure they have insurance, all it takes is one polite telephone call. Here is an example of how one should go:

(Cranston the Cordial Crook dials Mr. E. Leet, a high ranking business executive at an up-and-coming multi-million dollar sticker production company.)

Mr. E. Leet: Hello?

Cranston the Cordial Crook: Hi, am I speaking with Emmanuel Leet?

Mr. E. Leet: Speaking.

Cranston the Cordial Crook: Hi, I am Cranston D. Shyster, of Rob Erie Home Insurance. We are wondering if your house is currently insured, and if not, if you would be interested in a policy with us?

Mr. E. Leet: Oh, no. Sorry Mr. Shyster, I currently have the best insurance one can ask for. Someday, I am hoping some opiate addict lifts up my window at 4am when I forget to turn the alarm on, and cleans out the three hidden safes I have concealed in the basement floors. Then I can retire on what the insurance company pays out to me because I will deceptively claim six times the amount of actual assets that were abducted. That way, I can sell my sticker production company to my lazy sons who will send the company overseas.

Cranston the Cordial Crook: See you at 4am.

*Click*

Now, not everyone is as fortuitous as this felonious filcher. Cranston is so cordial that there have been times when he has been let right into the house, and eaten dinner with his victims. Other times, he has been so clumsy in his capers from Klonopin, that the next day he is cloudy-minded and confined to a cold cell in the county. Usually he can afford an awesomely adroit attorney (due to a rich Republican father) and plead insanity (based on his nonsensical neurotic disability) as a means to be put on probation, instead of imprisonment. Again, if you are the average asset abductor, you don't have the privilege of being the black sheep of a family that defecates diamonds, and can pay off the popo.

5. If you're not welcome, leave.

Let's say, one witching hour, you are creeping inside some CEO's condo, clothed in crepuscular colors and all of a sudden you hear a magnum barrel spinning and the three worst questions any house hijacker could be asked by a homeowner:

"Who are you?"

"What are you doing in my house?"

"And what's that you are carrying in that duffle bag?"

Homeowner holds a gun up to a burglar with a ski mask on

Now, if you are an ingenious infiltrator like Cranston the Cordial Crook, you'd know exactly how to bullshit your way out of a burglary. Unfortunately, 98% of prowlers are mediocre moonlighters. Here is Cranston the Cordial Crook's clever comeback:

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the house being used for the filming of ‘Home Alone, Part 7.' I guess that the contents of my duffle bag weren't film props after all. How embarrassing, and I do so humbly apologize. Please go back to bed, and I promise I will put everything back where I found it."

Congratulations, if he doesn't take a Magnum to your medulla oblongata, then it's safe to say he believed that razor sharp repartee. However, the result of being caught in the act is usually one of two forms of rape: your brain by a bullet, or your buttocks by a black guy in prison. That's why if your skills aren't as sharp as a Kasumi knife like Cranston, leave the unethical undertakings to him.



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Andrei Trostel's picture

"a female Siberian zombie's vagina"

Haha nice!

That cracked me up.

Matthew Muccie's picture

Thanks! Glad that comment induced some lulz

The one not so clever line about zombie genitalia? That's what cracked you up, Andrei? Because clearly the fact that Matthew took the time to use alliteration well in almost every sentence isn't as funny as some random remark about pussy. You, sir, are a simpleton.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Well it was more about the fact that it was "Siberian" zombie pussy, making the house not just standard zombie pussy cold, but EXTRA Siberian zombie pussy cold.

I liked all the alliteration and it was certainly well done, but in general alliteration doesn't really make me laugh like bizarre, random, colorful metaphors do.

I guess comedy must be subjective or something. Someone should really work on changing that so we all find EXACTLY the same things funny. That way you will feel better about everyone being REALLY complex, just like you, who judges people you've never met based on one thing they happened to laughed at.

Matthew Muccie's picture

Eric,

I think to piss you off more in the next article, I am going to write it completely in Latin and in iambic pentameter. I can't help it that you like simplistic shit and are completely baffled by the way how I ingeniously raped your mind by using the awesome literary technique known as alliteration.

Holy alliteration, Cranston.

You just stole my heart AND my plasma TV.

Matthew Muccie's picture

He also stole your virginity.

Sorry Cranston. I hate polite people so more likely than not, I would take a crowbar to your legs. But that's just crazy old me.

And I would take a steel toe boot to your shoddy old door and vanquish with your valuables, but that's just crazy old Cranston for you! And I wouldn't do it without leaving a nice note thanking you for not having complex mechanisms for your door!

I think we should have a cup of tea before our boisterous brawl, to foster a good burglar-burglaree relationship. Be warned though, immediately after I'll try to hit you in the face with the aforementioned crowbar.

We'll have a cup of tea, plates full of strawberry pancake, and an endless amount of croissants (which will all be brought out by the butler) . And it will be compliments from your grandmother.....her stolen jewelry that is!!