Friends, classmates, brothers and sisters in the human race, we are on the brink of a crisis. An economic collapse the likes of which Wall Street hasn't seen in almost a century? No. Standing on the brink of what could be the demise of the American auto industry? No, hardly. Friends, I was in a local grocery store a few days ago when I heard this conversation between two ladies, who in some circles might be referred to as "middle-aged," possibly even "old":

Middle Aged Woman 1: That's a really good picture of us from the beach, can you send me a copy?
Middle Aged Woman 2: Sure, what is your email address?
Middle Aged Woman 1: Do you have a pen, it's hard to remember?
Middle Aged Woman 2: You know what, I will just send it to you on Facebook.

Fellow Americans, or fellow whatever country you are fromicans, old people are starting to use Facebook!

"Well, Ryan, you really attractive and intelligent man, who cares? What is the worst that could happen by Facebook turning into wrinkled-Facebook?" you must be asking.

Mom invading son's Facebook profile
"MOM??? How did you get IN the internet??!"
Well let's look at this from a realistic point of view. What happened to the words "bling-bling" and "booty?" As soon as old people started saying those words they suddenly became so uncool that a single utterance of them got you at the very least a swirly. Thanks to popular music, "booty" is making a comeback in such lyrics as "baggy sweatpants and the Reeboks with the straps, turned around and gave that big booty a slap" which oddly enough seems to describe my grandmother after an aerobics class. But I digress. If Facebook goes down that road, its sheer addictive nature will induce millions of swirlies worldwide. The clogged toilets will cause such a huge flux in the water grid of this country that the oceans will probably rise a good foot to cover California. Don't you care about California?

So what do we do? Well my children, we have several choices here. We can either make something better then Facebook to use, or make the old people cease and desist, which will do for Facebook what Rocky V did for the Rocky franchise. Since clearly nothing is better then Facebook (my own research has shown me that, just look at my failed attempt to launch "VisageManuscript"), we must tell all of the old people that Facebook is no longer cool. Inform your parents that no one is doing it anymore. Tell your bus drivers and bosses that everyone has moved on to something else, like rolling wooden hoops down the road with paint brushes—fads always go in circles so that one is due back any time now anyway. Tell your aunts and uncles that we are all using telegraphs to communicate again. In short, lie to them to make them feel like their old customs are cool again so that they can stick to those and we can stick to Facebook and be happy.

Neighbors, together we can create an underground following for Facebook that we can all enjoy, geriatric free. For those of you still not swayed by my argument of impending uncool because you're already nerdy as it is and would enjoy the company, think about this: would you like your mother to find those pictures of you, and for some reason a chicken, completely trashed at that party with your pants down doing a keg stand? I certainly wouldn't—and for the record, the chicken was a birthday gift, and one hell of a drinker.


Second City's online "Writing Satire for the Internet" course, a fav among our writers, starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.