By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Hello there, everyone. E.E. “Three-Fingers” Southerby here with a refreshing article for you about everyone’s favorite, reality television— programming that exists primarily to show us that you don’t need frivolous things like actors, writers, themes, special effects and hovercars to make TV show successful. All you need is an advertising budget rivaling the Gross National Product of a developing nation, like say, Albania.
This reality television craze has reached epic proportions, and so I feel it is my duty as a concerned citizen to profit off of this craze by the only means I can think of: gambling. That’s why I am posting odds on the top 12 finalists in American Idol. If you’d like some action on any of these wonderfully wacky “singers” getting voted off the American Idol island, send me an email (or, better yet, a cheque) with your pick. To those of you reading after March 23rd, 2004, let’s just hope the contestants are better next time. And so, without much further ado, I give to you your American Idols:
25 Years Old, from Rancho Cucamonga, CA
Odds of getting voted off: 1 to 2
Matthew is my pick for getting the boot this week. He’s a flaming metrosexual with a weight problem who always wears a stupid golf hat. He can’t sing and needs rhinoplasty. He comes from Cucamonga, which is a city that I thought existed only in lists of funny made up names for cities. Matthew is what we in the gambling business call a preclusive favorite. A $100 bet on Matthew will only win you $50. Therefore, whether he gets booted or not Matthew will win me unspeakable riches. Any takers?
24 Years Old, from Bakersfield, CA
Odds of getting voted off: 1 to 1
The lesbian with the bright pink hair who captured the hearts of Americans everywhere, Amy Adams stands out from the other finalists thanks to her bright smile and inability to lose 15 pounds. Although Amy does have a built in voting block of female truck drivers, sources close to the competition say Amy won’t last another week. Who knew dying your hair pink and not singing very well wasn’t a ticket to stardom?
18 Years Old, from Maui, HI
Odds of getting voted off: 2 to 1
This half-Filipino half-nymphomaniac gets my vote for “Most Beautiful Person in the Competition and Also the World.” Unless you’re a member of the KKK, or have a fetish for fat people dressed up like squirrels, you will also agree that Camile is truly American Eye Candy. Last week she sang “Son of a Preacher Man,” which made me remember how much I loved Pulp Fiction. Between running the phrase “Zed’s Dead, Baby” through my mind and trying to type this update with one hand, I completely missed hearing Camile’s singing voice. My guess is America will do the same, and Camile will survive another week.
Jon Peter Lewis
24 Years Old, from Rexburg, ID
Odds of getting voted off: 2 to 1
American Idol is all about personality, and Jon Peter has it in droves. Sure, it’s a loud, annoying, abrasive personality, but beggars can’t be choosers. This bucktoothed break-dancer from Idaho or possibly Indiana, since I’m too lazy to look up state abbreviations, barely squeaked into the top 12. America has grown tired of his shenanigans, and may even vote him off just so we don’t ever have to see his father dance again.
16 Years Old, from East Amherst, NY
Odds of getting voted off: 5 to 2
If Simon can get his tongue out of John’s anal canal long enough to say something bad about him, the little Albino is as good as gone. Yes, he’s different from all the other contestants. And yes, his renditions of Rat Pack nostalgia will probably get all the old people off their fat asses to vote for him. But let’s face it: John Stevens looks kind of like a ventriloquist’s dummy. Sorry, John. Maybe you’ll be American Idol in another lifetime when you’re not so goddamn ugly.
22 Years Old, from Chicago, IL
Odds of getting voted off: 3 to 1
Boomquisha, I mean Jennifer, came very close to getting voted off American Idol Island last week. It might have been because she’s a hideous orangutan with an afro. It might have been because she can’t sing worth a damn, and is only in the competition for racial diversity. Either way, Lungfisha has a good chance of getting booted this week, unless she garners the pity vote and stays on because audiences feel sorry for her. A word of advice, Shamiqua: Play the race card. Nobody wants to feel like a racist, so they’ll vote for you if you pretend you’re being discriminated against.
Hey, it worked for Al Sharpton.
La Toya London
23 Years Old, from Oakland, CA
Odds of getting voted off: 7 to 2
This may come as a shock to many of you, but La Toya is not the greatest singer in the history of the world. What she is, is a 25-year-old mother of 2 who’s married to an old guy with a giant beard (the guy has the beard, not La Toya). Have you ever heard of a married pop superstar? With kids? Britney was married for 8 hours and there was panic in the streets. La Toya may last another week or two if she continues to give Simon handjobs during commercial breaks, but trust me when I tell you she is as good as gone. Don’t cry for her, though. She’ll probably get some sponsorship deal with Toyota or something, where she gets paid to just walk around wearing a nametag.
19 Years Old, from High Point, NC
Odds of getting voted off: 5 to 1
This hermaphrodite with the voice of an angel wowed the world last week with a heart-wrenching soul song that I honestly can’t remember because I was too busy averting my eyes. Holy crap this girl is ugly. Looking at her is like staring directly into a solar eclipse. People seem to like her voice, though, and she has even been compared to Macy Gray. Simon’s praise alone practically guarantees that Fantasia will last another week, provided she isn’t mistaken for a wild animal and shot by poachers. Stay off the hunting trails, Fantasia! America has big things in store for you.
22 Years Old, from New Orleans, LA
Odds of getting voted off: 5 to 1
Every time they show videos of this douchebag he’s singing in Church. What is this? The Hour of Power? The Gospel Zone? Nonetheless, America seems to think George Huff is the second coming (ha ha, get it?) and will probably vote to keep him on the show until the tabloids discover some shocking secret about George’s personal life, like how he practices witchcraft or molests kids. Until that happens, religious people across America will vote for George Huff and make me very wealthy in the process.
17 Years Old, from Mililani, HI
Odds of getting voted off: 15 to 2
If I hear one more person say Jasmine is hotter than the other Hawaiian in this competition, Camile, I swear I’m going to moon them. And I haven’t gotten a Brazilian in MONTHS. For some inconceivable reason, Jasmine has become “America’s Sweetheart” despite being an insipid bitch who also wears a flower. Now she’s pushing the fact that she’s newly single. Don’t fall for it guys: Jasmine won’t go out with you if you vote for her. I predict Jasmine’s supposed good looks will keep her in the competition for at least another week, unless her biggest supporters fail to vote because they’re too busy “fragging” each other at Unreal Tournament.
16 Years Old, from Snellville, GA
Odds of getting voted off: 25 to 1
Has anybody else noticed that Diana kind of has a pot belly? More to the point, however: Diana can sing. She’s only 16, so she also gets the often-underappreciated “Dirty Old Man” vote. Her mother looks like a beached whale and they come from a town named “Snellville,” so you wouldn’t think Diana would be a favorite in this competition. But man, can this girl sing. She is far and away the most talented person in the contest, and if Diana gets voted off this week, I will personally resign from NAMBLA (don’t look it up, non-South Park watchers).
17 Years Old, from Seattle, WA
Odds of getting voted off: 1000 to 1
Since Leah’s already been voted off, it may seem like cheating for me to post odds on her being voted off a second time. I’m just hoping to cash in on some inattentive people before they join gambler’s anonymous. So if you’re still reading this paragraph: Don’t put money on Leah. She’s already been voted off and deported to Bulgaria, where she will receive 100 lashings from her mother, an anorexic version of Bozo the Clown.
Place your bets now!