Yes, your uncle is dead. Yes, you will have to go to the wake and funeral. Yes, Seattle is an amazing city that is waiting for you to explore it. Yes, your life is hectic and you deserve a break. Yes, you will refer to this trip to Seattle as a “vacation.”

DO NOT let a perfectly good couple of days away from the office and kids be ruined by a lousy and boring funeral.

1. What’s a weekend getaway in Seattle (fine, mandatory funeral appearance) without visiting the Space Needle

First things first, this is the most “Seattle” thing to do in Seattle. The Space Needle is a historic Seattle landmark and you will get spectacular views of the city, but it is quite boring. Get this activity out of the way within your first hour of being in the city just to appease those who will ask you, “How was the funeral Did you go to the Space Needle?”

2. Go NUTS at Daily Dozen DoughNUTS.

Time to satisfy that insatiable sweet tooth of yours! Daily Dozen Doughnuts, located right in the heart of downtown Seattle, has some of the best doughnuts money can buy. An added bonus is that you can customize your own donuts, so be sure to pick up a Dozen Long Johns with “I’m so sorry for your loss” icing for your aunt before the funeral!

3. Spend the night at the historic Bacon Mansion.

After only a few hours in Seattle you realize you have been running around the city like a chicken with your head cut off, barely having time to breathe and profusely bleeding all over the city’s sidewalks with no way to stop the bloodflow.

Take some time to yourself and book a night at the beautiful and historic Bacon Mansion. There is a complimentary breakfast served and you can say things like, “I stayed at this lovely bed and breakfast. It’s so nice to take a little ‘me’ time isn’t it So anyways, how else are you enjoying the funeral?”

4. Take a dip in Lake Washington and go searching for “grief stones” to give to your newly widowed Aunt Laurie.

Lake Washington is known by many local Seattle-ites as the “Mother of all Seattle Lakes.” Your Aunt Laurie could be called a “Mother of Death” after the recent loss of her husband, your uncle. You have always had a keen since of other people’s emotions and a girl you dated you dated your freshman year of college even called you a “wondrous healer.” Dive into Lake Washington and go searching for grief stones that will be sure to not only help your grieving aunt but will also make you the star of the funeral. Walking around the funeral you will hear complete strangers in mid-conversation saying, “Wow, I thought I was close with Jack but did you see those grief stones his nephew Damien got Laurie form the bottom of Lake Washington That is fucking unbelievable.”

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5. Catch the 2013 Second Place Champion National Lacrosse League Washington Stealth battling it out at Xfinity Arena.

Ok I didn’t even want to include this in the fucking list. My ex-girlfriend who used to live in Seattle and I needed another activity to get to 9. If you do go to this horseshit lacrosse game DO NOT bring your girlfriend (or anyone you have ever dated), and if you do, DO NOT let her get in contact with team captain Matt Roik. He will have his way with whoever he wants and you will look like a fool waiting in line to go to the Space Needle after getting a text from your then current girlfriend (soon to be ex) that she just spent 15 life-changing minutes with this asshole in the bathroom of a Chili’s.

6. Go to the world famous Sun Liquor Tiki Bar and learn to make fun drinks.

Sorry, I think I lost myself for a minute. I went to a really dark place thinking about the Washington Stealth and Matt Roik. I’m here now. I’m back.

Sun Liquor Tiki Bar is an amazingly fun bar with fun atmosphere and seriously delicious drinks. The bartenders are really nice and will show you how to make their signature drinks that you can wow the crowd with at the luncheon following the funeral.

Sorry, images of Matt Roik and the Washington Stealth are starting to rush back into my head. I feel like I’m in the bathroom of the Chili’s, waiting in the bottom of the toilet, unable to get out. Oh fuck. What is happening to me?

7. Go searching for the man who took your uncle’s life (even though he died of a heart attack) at Pike Place Fish Market.

Something about your uncle’s death smells a little fishy. That fishy smell is coming from the world famous Pike Place Fish Market!

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You will walk through fish stand after fish stand searching for the man that took your uncle’s life. Everyone is telling you that your uncle died due to years of unhealthy eating habits, smoking, and a struggle with obesity that he was completely unable to control.

However, you know the truth, and somehow Matt Roik and possibly the entire roster of the Washington Stealth are involved in your uncle’s death and no stone will go unturned in your investigation. Your uncle’s death WILL be resolved.

8. Schmooze with actors at the Annex Theatre and cast them to play your uncle at your uncle’s funeral.

In the words of Catcher in the Rye’s Holden Caufield, the world is full of “phonies.” Like Holden and your hero, Mark David Chapman, you are sick of the phonies like Matt Roik and anyone who has ever played lacrosse. I guarantee you that the actors at the world famous Annex Theatre are anything but phonies.

Go see the new modernized version of Hamlet and wait backstage for the actors after the performance. You will quickly become friends with them and they will trust in you. Cast them to dress up in an identical style to your late uncle and see if Matt Roik (whom you cordially invited to the funeral) has a reaction. If he breaks down crying, call the police immediately.

Congratulations, Detective! You just solved your first homicide!

9. Visit Westcrest Dog Park and play with pups after realizing that your uncle is alive and well and you actually have no family members who live in Seattle.

It is the day after the funeral and your world has come crashing down on you. Not only has all of the energy it took in preparation for the funeral been wasted, you have come to the realization that that there was no funeral in the first place. There wasn’t even an uncle!

Matt Roik of the Washington Stealth, however, is very much in existence and so is the restraining order he has against you. The only thing to do is hang out at the dog park and think of the next move.

Happy traveling!!

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