1. If the political candidate you support does something that excites you, write the news story down onto a piece of paper, roll the paper up and stick it into an empty Pringles can, then put the Pringles can up your butthole.

2. When you get that irresistible urge to post a news story concerning a scandal regarding the political candidate you dislike, whisper the news into a seashell, then take the seashell to the seashore in the middle of the night. Dig a hole in the sand and place the seashell in there, then pour cement into the hole.

3. When someone posts something political on Facebook that you disagree with, don’t retaliate, just memorize every word of the article, go home and find a big rock in your backyard, chisel the article word-for-word into the rock, then have a prison chain gang come over and smash the rock with hammers.

4. If you read a statistical article that includes numerical data supporting your political opinions, write down each of the numbers from the article and use a calculator to add them all up. If the sum is greater than 237, then the data are wrong and so are your beliefs.

5. Instead of using social media, translate your latest political opinion into an electronic message and broadcast it deep into outer space using a powerful radio transmitter, because your opinion belongs in the vacuum of outer space.

Barack Obama in space wearing an astronaut helmet

“It’s so peaceful out here!”

6. Every time a political candidate infuriates you, plant a tree in the rundown section of your town. If you run out of space to plant new trees, tear down the nice section of town and plant trees there.

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7. When that man or woman that you have a crush on posts something to Facebook that is shockingly offensive to your political beliefs, don’t chastise them in the comments, instead try very hard to make them fall in love with you. Embark on a long romance over many years and share many secrets with one another. Then, after a lengthy engagement, while holding one another’s hands under the alter, ready to finally take those lifelong vows of fidelity, quickly yank your hands away, stare angrily into their eyes with a long, malicious gaze, and say, “Hey, idiot… I remember everything.” Then jump into the car that you leased together and drive to Six Flags.

8. On Election Day, when your Facebook news feed has blown up with everyone’s thoughts and opinions on the vote, don’t join in and post something yourself, just take some time to sit back, look up at the sky, and reflect upon the vastness of the universe and wonder how does a submarine work.

9. If people tell you that you post too many political opinions to Facebook, hire a watchful kung fu master to help you stop and guide you with wisdom and teach you self-discipline and also to kick you in the face when you fail.

10. Before you share an opinion on Facebook, go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and ask yourself this question: “Do people absolutely have to know this?” If your answer is anything other than “no,” turn around and stick your head in the toilet. Keep your head in the toilet until the answer is “no.”

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