Whose fault is it I don’t look perfect anymore? I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my arms that splashed me with queso dip.
Melissa Balmain's latest book is The Witch Demands a Retraction: fairy-tale reboots for adults (Humorist Books). Her work has appeared in The American Bystander, Lighten Up Online, McSweeney’s, The New Yorker, The New York Times, Points in Case, Rattle, Success, The Washington Post, Weekly Humorist and elsewhere. She is a recovering mime.