By Court Sullivan

Let’s face it, interns have minimal job responsibilities that actually impact the companies they work for. Hell, the word “responsibilities” is hardly part of an intern’s vocabulary. It’s more like “responsi-YOU-HAVE-A-TASK-FOR-ME-TODAY??!” However, if you’ve ever been an intern, you know that this sort of workplace freedom can quickly turn into a busy lifestyle.

The first week you casually pretend to be doing work and enjoy getting paid to sit back. Then you realize, “Hey, I’m not a real employee, I’m an underpaid sitting-backer, and this company owes me a reasonable amount of openly-free time!” Openly-free time includes surfing the web in full office view with pages upon pages of layered entertainment sites, talking to your significant other on your cell phone at your desk while your office phone rings through to voicemail, responding to all inter-office inquiries with “Yeah I know” and continuing to not give a shit anyway, and dodging any menial duties with, “I’m kind of busy right now” while munching on honey-roasted peanuts.

Eventually, you develop many more responsibilities to your openly-free time activities than you do to your internship activities. Your day becomes cluttered with non-work-related obligations such as reading all the news on your homepage, taking advantage of Internet shopping sales, winning auctions on eBay, winning Solitaire on Windows, responding to IM’s and setting your away message, planning which bar is going to let your friend in without ID tonight, and replying to emails from your other intern friends wanting to know when you can come visit and what you want to do while your in town.

This is when you know you have completely shifted your priorities away from work, and made yourself a busy enough person to need help from someone lower on the job-ladder. Someone willing to tackle the simple obstacles hindering an intern’s daily routine. Someone willing to lay it all on the line so you can intern to the fullest…

Welcome to the world of “sub-interns”—highly-specialized intern servants willing to accept the following jobs:

Copy-Coffee Bitch

Surveys have shown that the greatest threat to an intern’s time is making copies and coffee. The Copy-Coffee Bitch must eagerly take on all of the intern’s copying and coffee-making responsibilities.

Responsibilities:

• Make copies
• Make coffee

Requirements:

• Inability to whine or complain
• Excellent manual collation, stapling, and hole-punching skills
• Solid sugar/creamer balance


Pop-Up Killer

Interns need efficient access to the Internet at all times. Pop-ups, pop-unders, and inter-page ads can hinder productivity on the web by cluttering the toolbar, blocking page content, and even playing distracting music. The Popup Killer must eliminate these enemy windows with lightning speed without disrupting the intern’s surfing experience.

Responsibilities:

• Kill all excess windows immediately
• Periodically empty recycle bin, and office trash can while at it

Requirements:

• Must be familiar with passenger-side mouse and dual-mouse hookups
• Strong sense of two-arrow screen etiquette
• Must be able to react quickly to time-delayed popup windows
• Strong KILL, KILL, KILL!! attitude
• 8+ years of advanced Nintendo Duckhunt experience


Blame Shift Manager

It is common knowledge that interns often serve as scapegoats for botched employee actions, especially those involving serious consequences. Dealing with these awkward situations can lead to unnecessary stress on an otherwise relaxing weekday at the office. The Blame Shift Manager must smoothly transfer blame off of the intern and onto someone else or accept the blame completely.

Responsibilities:

• Facilitate blame transfer from boss to intern to co-worker/other intern/self
• Create “blame-retardant” coating around intern allowing blame to slide off like water on a duck’s back

Requirements:

• High stress-tolerance
• Low self-esteem
• Outstanding hindsight for what you should have done
• Must have strong track record of accepting the blame in the past

(Morning and afternoon shifts available due to job-stress)


Field Reporter

The Field Reporter’s main function is to scout for hot employees or interns for their intern to hookup with. Hot female employees often hide out in their cubicles to avoid interoffice sexual harassment, and hot male employees will often need to be lured away from current girlfriends. The field reporter will be proactive, gossipy, and have an eye for tracking down elusive hot people.

Responsibilities:

• Finding hot employees and co-workers for their intern to interact/hookup with
• Investigating potential candidates’ background, personality, availability, contact information, sexual prowess

Requirements:

• Persistent, extroverted, and gossipy
• 3+ years of HotorNot.com mainstream honing skills
• Extremely loyal; would sacrifice own desires for intern’s sexual well-being


Away Message Editor

The Away Message Editor must make sure that the intern’s away messages are always dynamic and funny, yet informative and concise.

Responsibilities:

• Create fresh away messages reflecting intern’s current away status
• Edit existing aways for spelling, grammar, humor, and clarity
• Respond to flashers when intern steps away for under 5 minutes

Requirements:

• Inherent knack for clever phrasing and effective communication
• 3+ years of Instant Messenger use, BA (Liberal Arts degree preferred)
• Ability to compose language on demand without copying other buddies’ away messages
• Must possess strong IM Flash Management and multi-tasking skills