College Quotes
"Santa Monica College is, like, so stupid. I mean, O to the M to the G, their slogan '#1 in transfers' is like totally telling the world that nobody wants to stay at their school. That's like Marketing 101: avoid negative publicity."
-From a sixth year senior at UCLA
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About NG Hatfield
Hometown
Happenstance, PA
School
Allegheny College
At a Glance
My sense of humor can be summarized with one joke:
Q: Why does 6 hate 7?
A: Because 7 8 out 9.
Recent Comments
Shards = Fun!
By NG Hatfield | Dec 6, 2006
| Comments (5) | Submit an article |
Stephen: Imma go inside and watch Carlos Mencia.
Nick: Carlos Mencia sucks
Everybody: Yeah...
Stephen: Um... I meant Pablo Francisco...I mixed up my spics.
Arden: A spixture, if you will.
-Racist drink puns. I'll have a Rum & Kike.
Ash (my sister): Look at those ghetto black guys getting in that minivan! haha!
Nick: "Nigga I got dual slidin' doors!"
Ash: "Nigga, I got a cargo net."
Nick: "Nigga, I got antilock brakes!"
Ash: "Nigga, I got cruise control for ma bitches."
-The new Dodge Caravan: I got spinnas on that shit.
Meghann (my gf): You can use your teeth while giving a blowjob?
Nick: Yeah, but you gotta just...rake it.
Stephen: Yeah, just rake it.
Ash (my sister): Yeah, lemme give you a few pointers.
Nick: Thanks for ruining blowjobs for me forever, Ashie.
-Seriously.
Ash: You remember that one time we were playing Trouble and I was beating you and you flipped over the board?
Nick: Which time?
Ash: That time mom came in and asked why we stopped and I said, "I don't wanna play Trouble with a nigger."
-Thanks Dad!
Prof: Anybody know what Karl Marx said about religion?
Nick: Yeah, that it's "the opiate of the masses"
Prof: I figured you'd know that
Nick: Um...why?
Prof: Because you're my little atheist.
-Godless...but oddly cute?
Nick: Hey Professor, is it cool for that soundtrack final paper thing that I use a pre-made CD, instead of making my own?
Prof: Uh, yeah...I guess...but won't that be pretty difficult considering?
Nick: Nah, I'm using Monster Ballads vol. 1.
Prof: The literary equivalent of smacking me in the face. Thanks.
Nick: Anything for an A.
-Anything.
Prof: So, what kind of character would talk about submissive stuff all the time?
Nick: The kind that's into sadomasochistic bondage?
Class: *laughs*
Prof: Nick...
Nick: Yuh?
Prof: Get out of my classroom...
Nick: Now?
Prof: Yeah.
Nick: C'mon man, you don't have to...WHIP me.
Class: *laughs*
Prof: Alright, for that one, you can stay.
-How to sweet talk a gay professor.
Dan: So how'd the poetry reading thing go last night?
Nick: I lost to a guy who hit is fucking neck for sound effects.
Dan: Like this....
Nick: Yeah...except he could do any video game theme song you could possibly think of.
Dan: That's not poetry...
Nick: Nope.
Dan: A sobering experience indeed.
Nick: Nah, I got piss ass drunk after.
Dan: Like all good losers do.
-Still not over it.
Nick: I gotta go guys, I gotta study for finals
Phil: Go read your zaggits, you faggot.
Nick: What's a zaggit?
Phil: I don't even know man.
-Phil, fuckin high and lovin' it.
Meghann: Didn't a band called Xtreme do this song, actually?
Nick: More than a feelin?
Meghann: Yeah...
Nick: No...it's Boston...
Meghan: No, I'm pretty sure it's a band called Xtreme.
Nick: We're over.
-Not really. She uses her teeth pretty well.
Meghann: I don't find doggy style arousing.
Older guy #1: Why not?
Nick: Because I got a small dick!
Older Guy #2: Something you and him have in common...
Older guy #1: I don't have a small cock. I read on the internet--
Older guy #2: Wait. You read on the internet? What the fuck? An internet dick chart?
Older guy #1: Yeah...?
Older guy #2: There are some things you just don't tell the guys.
Older guy #1: What are you gonna do about it?
(later that evening)
Older guy #1: I'll have a beer
Bartender: Okay, that'll be 2 bucks.
Older guy #2 (across the bar): HEY. INTERNET DICK CHART, GET ME ONE TOO.
-Probably the best nickname in the world.
Welp. That's it for now.
Nick: Carlos Mencia sucks
Everybody: Yeah...
Stephen: Um... I meant Pablo Francisco...I mixed up my spics.
Arden: A spixture, if you will.
-Racist drink puns. I'll have a Rum & Kike.
Ash (my sister): Look at those ghetto black guys getting in that minivan! haha!
Nick: "Nigga I got dual slidin' doors!"
Ash: "Nigga, I got a cargo net."
Nick: "Nigga, I got antilock brakes!"
Ash: "Nigga, I got cruise control for ma bitches."
-The new Dodge Caravan: I got spinnas on that shit.
Meghann (my gf): You can use your teeth while giving a blowjob?
Nick: Yeah, but you gotta just...rake it.
Stephen: Yeah, just rake it.
Ash (my sister): Yeah, lemme give you a few pointers.
Nick: Thanks for ruining blowjobs for me forever, Ashie.
-Seriously.
Ash: You remember that one time we were playing Trouble and I was beating you and you flipped over the board?
Nick: Which time?
Ash: That time mom came in and asked why we stopped and I said, "I don't wanna play Trouble with a nigger."
-Thanks Dad!
Prof: Anybody know what Karl Marx said about religion?
Nick: Yeah, that it's "the opiate of the masses"
Prof: I figured you'd know that
Nick: Um...why?
Prof: Because you're my little atheist.
-Godless...but oddly cute?
Nick: Hey Professor, is it cool for that soundtrack final paper thing that I use a pre-made CD, instead of making my own?
Prof: Uh, yeah...I guess...but won't that be pretty difficult considering?
Nick: Nah, I'm using Monster Ballads vol. 1.
Prof: The literary equivalent of smacking me in the face. Thanks.
Nick: Anything for an A.
-Anything.
Prof: So, what kind of character would talk about submissive stuff all the time?
Nick: The kind that's into sadomasochistic bondage?
Class: *laughs*
Prof: Nick...
Nick: Yuh?
Prof: Get out of my classroom...
Nick: Now?
Prof: Yeah.
Nick: C'mon man, you don't have to...WHIP me.
Class: *laughs*
Prof: Alright, for that one, you can stay.
-How to sweet talk a gay professor.
Dan: So how'd the poetry reading thing go last night?
Nick: I lost to a guy who hit is fucking neck for sound effects.
Dan: Like this....
Nick: Yeah...except he could do any video game theme song you could possibly think of.
Dan: That's not poetry...
Nick: Nope.
Dan: A sobering experience indeed.
Nick: Nah, I got piss ass drunk after.
Dan: Like all good losers do.
-Still not over it.
Nick: I gotta go guys, I gotta study for finals
Phil: Go read your zaggits, you faggot.
Nick: What's a zaggit?
Phil: I don't even know man.
-Phil, fuckin high and lovin' it.
Meghann: Didn't a band called Xtreme do this song, actually?
Nick: More than a feelin?
Meghann: Yeah...
Nick: No...it's Boston...
Meghan: No, I'm pretty sure it's a band called Xtreme.
Nick: We're over.
-Not really. She uses her teeth pretty well.
Meghann: I don't find doggy style arousing.
Older guy #1: Why not?
Nick: Because I got a small dick!
Older Guy #2: Something you and him have in common...
Older guy #1: I don't have a small cock. I read on the internet--
Older guy #2: Wait. You read on the internet? What the fuck? An internet dick chart?
Older guy #1: Yeah...?
Older guy #2: There are some things you just don't tell the guys.
Older guy #1: What are you gonna do about it?
(later that evening)
Older guy #1: I'll have a beer
Bartender: Okay, that'll be 2 bucks.
Older guy #2 (across the bar): HEY. INTERNET DICK CHART, GET ME ONE TOO.
-Probably the best nickname in the world.
Welp. That's it for now.
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