College Quotes
Josh: Most of my porn consists of rape porn.
Moh: That's kinda creepy, Joshua.
Josh: Yaah. But it's cause I will never rape anyone, ever.
Moh: Never say never... Oh my God. I can't believe I just said that...
-Talking about where Josh learned his oral
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278 pages of Nathan DeGraaf's hilarious snippets and LSD-laced story-telling, with a foreword by PIC Editor, Court Sullivan.
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About Nathan DeGraaf
Hometown
Tampa, FL by way of St. Louis, MO
School
University of South Florida
At a Glance
Nathan DeGraaf graduated fucking years ago with a BA in Creative Writing from the University of South Florida, which he still lives near because college chicks are the best.
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Listen
What the Hell are Street Smarts?
A Day in the Life of a Crappy Photographer
BJ, Catslut and Army Dude
Nathan "Nate" DeGraaf
In Memory of that One Dude
Intervention Free
Rest in Peace Old Friend
Talking About Breakfast
At Least It's Summer
I'm With You Peta
Brave New Chore
Coney Island of the Gut
Hot Chicks Will Mess You Up
My Favorite Ten Lines
You Can't Enforce Respect
It's Not Like he was Gonna Write Beethoven's Fifth
A Hurricane by any Other Name
Your Money is Lying to You
Gasparilla: I'm a Shitty Photographer
Post 420
A Five Tool Rat
I'd Make a Lousy Dad
Missouri is a Bitch
Lil' Tony's Mortality
Health: The Nate Way
A Conversation with Jake
A Conversation with Mickey
My New Pet
Good Weird Moment in a Little League Tulip Field
We Will Never Forget
Lord Stanley and the Pampered Bitch
Ten Things that Suck About Sleeping Around
Bad Baseball and Presumptuous Rednecks
The Bible: Just a Book
Six Bucks in New York
Chills: The Coolest Dog Ever
Nuclear Wings and Spicy Bombs
Behind the Scenes with the Boss
Bye Kirby
Killer Train of Thought
Jealous Much
Interview with a Bunni
Wholeheartedly Endorsed
The Humanity
What's in a Hurricane Name?
Crash into Familiarity
No Strings
Nate's Life Lessons
Your Tax Dollars at Work
Hardly Playing the Race Card
Steroids: Because Losing Sucks
Welcome to Florida - Shut Up
Your Mom Digs My Shirt
The Zoo: A Memory
Missing Someone
RJ and the Half Drunk Prince
The Cute White Boy
Picking them Games with Apologies
I'm sorry for being such an adamant asshole about the success of the USF Bulls. I got wrapped up in it and I rammed it down your throats. Thanks for being relatively cool about it, Dear Readers. That was my bad.
Our second apology comes from an email from Stoner Chick, probably the last one I will ever receive. She asked me to cut and paste (and edit) part of it and put it up on the blog and I am doing as I was told.
Dear Readers of The Nate Way:
I am sorry that I can no longer stand to be in the same room as Nathan DeGraaf. I am sorry that I cannot pick the games with him anymore. I want to thank you for being so kind to me over the last two football seasons. I know I'm kind of flaky but you guys were kind enough to welcome me whenever I showed up and for that I am grateful.
What happened between Nathan and I is not important. But basically, I crushed him hard and he did not return my feelings. I was using him as tutor and friend and I wanted to take that further. He did not.
Nathan DeGraaf is a strange person. In my opinion, he is a secret decent human being. He knows he's a good person deep down inside but he does not want to share that person with the world. And when you find that good person and try to love him, Nathan the Asshole shows up. Personally, I think any shrink would have a field day analyzing him.
Once again, I am sorry that I can no longer help with the football picks. I kindly thank you for being so nice and for helping me realize my potential (I am going to Junior College in January with the hopes of learning more about writing). You're the best, guys.
And by the way, my real name is Claire (I was named after my Great Aunt who was super awesome). I guess it's okay for you to know that now, since this is the last you will hear from me.
Hugs and Kisses,
Claire.
Jesus, that was some pop psychology fun, huh? Let's get to the picks.
HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
REDSKINS (-8.5) over Cardinals
God it would suck to actually have to watch this game. So, to keep our minds off the suckitude of this upcoming suckfest, I am gonna tell you a great, old joke you can tell your friends. What you do is, raise your left hand up and say to a (same sex) friend of yours, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?"
If they ask, "Why?" you then respond with, ""Cause it's mine you sick bastard."
It's usually good for a few laughs.
SAINTS (-8) over Falcons
I will not pick the Falcons to do anything more than lose all year long. They could win out and I will still pick against them. To me, the Falcons play with all the charisma of a busted condom.
BILLS (+3) over Ravens
Isn't it amazing how long it took the Bills to realize that JP Losman sucks? It reminds me a little of that part in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd sees the old newspaper headline in the bar and runs off screaming, "We landed on the moon!"
Vikings (+9.5) over COWBOYS
The Vikes head coach is handing the ball off to Purple Jesus. Just like God intended.
Patriots (-16) over DOLPHINS
Watching the Patriots this year is a little like being an innocent bystander at a well executed robbery. You don't really like what's going on, but at the same time, I mean, you have to acknowledge how well executed that shit is.
GIANTS (-9) over 49ers
There's nothing funny or interesting about this match up, so I'll tell you another joke.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Nine Eleven.
Nine Eleven who?
Never forget, asshole. Never forget!
Buccaneers (+2) over LIONS
On a scale of one to ten, the Bucs are a five this year. Meanwhile, on a scale of one to ten, the Lions are inconsistent.
TEXANS (+1) over Titans
Do you think Mario Williams and Reggie Bush ever hang out? If so, I would like a taped transcription of their conversation, which probably goes like this:
Mario: What's up number two?
Reggie: Fuck you.
RAIDERS (-3) over Chiefs
I refuse to believe that Herm Edwards knows what the hell he's doing.
BENGALS (-6) over Jets
Toughest game to pick this week. I wouldn't bet on this with your money.
Okay, maybe with your money.
EAGLES (-5.5) over Bears
Okay, so I'm on this ridiculously harsh diet and every time someone even says Philly or Chicago, I get images of hot steak sandwiches covered in liquid cheese and deep dish pizzas bigger than Pamela Anderson. So it's hard to really concentrate on this pick. God, I'm hungry.
SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over Rams
The Rams really suck this year. I wonder when Coach Linehan will be fired. I say week 9.
Steelers (-3.5) over BRONCOS
In response to the Steelers new mascot, Steely McBeam, the Broncos have introduced a new mascot of their own: Sucky McSuckass.
'Cause the Broncos suck this year.
Colts (-3) over JAGUARS
Marketers are currently inventing new ways for Peyton Manning to sell you stuff. I swear I saw him in a Viagra ad the other day. For my money, there isn't a more popular dork than Peyton Manning. God I hate him.
Last Week: 8-4-1
The Nate Way Overall Record: 35-31-9
Labels: NFL_picks
16 Comments
Well may I be the first to say... farewell, you were fucking awesome Stoner Chick, and I'm sure there's a thousand other guys like me (If nate has that many readers) who only pray to find a girl like you. I'd tell Nate he fucked up, but I don't think he cares. :)
Nonetheless, best of luck to you
Dear Claire - I'm sorry that you're leaving - good luck with college - and your appearance in the snippits/picks/commentary will be greatly missed.
Dear Nathan the Asshole - although you're writing is at times dead-on and extremely funny...you should take a bit of a vacation and allow Nate (the decent human being) to actually attempt to grow up. When Nate the decent human being shows up, he is incredibly endearing. Nate the Asshole - he's a riot - but can be taken only in small doses.
Funny how the lives of complete strangers that you know only via some stupid website (sorry Court) you use to waste time at work can impact your so much. I actually feel sad for both of you. Take care.
Nathan, you are really cute :)
I can't get enough of your writing.
-Kelly
SC, or Claire, or whoever, good luck with writing school.
Nate... well, I never cared about the football picks, anyway.
Dear Tillie,
Go on a diet.
The internet can hurt.
Anon: Get with the program and fuck off.
SC/Claire: As a Canadian, you were the only thing that made me give a shit about the NFL. Back to the CFL for me...our balls are bigger, anyhow!
Nate: Too bad you lost SC...I'll bet your picks tank ;)
The 49ers will punch you in the face... as a team
Fuck these guys stay core Nate
Anonymous #2,
As an avid 49ers fan, I can only say that the 49ers are too busy punching themselves in the face to bother with Nate.
Thanks for your honesty with this SC, I know all twelve of us were curious.
Nate...I guess this means you're going back to a losing record every week. Good luck sticking to the health plan. Must be tough.
Sad times. At least we know what happened now, so I'll have to find something else to think about when I'm not paying attention in class.
And Nate, since you were gracious enough to take it easy on us Mountaineer readers after the loss to USF, all I'll say about that is better luck next week. Bitches. (couldn't help it)
Fuck Tillie.
had to get that outta the way first.
Don't worry about it Nate. Even though Claire could at times be a riot, and no doubt was a great asset in your game picking, you're better off without her. She's the kind of chick you blames you when she doesn't get her way. She had feelings for you and you didn't feel the same way, so she can no longer be in the same room with you? You didn't care to take the relationship any further, so she tells you in a text to fuck off and die? She spends months shacked up with some other dude as a "kept woman", then cheats on him and runs away, and yet somehow you are the strange asshole for not wanting to get mixed up with someone like that? Sounds like someone is thinking with their emotions, ego, and vagina rather then their fucking head. Be glad that you got out when you did Nate, and keep up the awesome writing. Honestly, I couldn't give two tap-dancing rat's asses about football, and yet your picks are still entertaining to read for someone who has only the most basic knowledge and understanding of the game. Keep on keeping on.
Tyler - other than the "fuck you" comment - I agree with you. I didn't intend for my comment to come off far on the "Nate's an asshole" side of the fence as it did. I am a loyal reader of Nate's blog and after your analysis of SC and her relationship potential - I think you're 100% right...he's probably better off not getting mixed up with someone who very clearly doesn't know which end is up at this point...although I do hope all works out well for her. I didn't intend for my loyalty to appear to sway to the side of SC - it belongs to The Nate Way without question (not that anyone really cares, I'm sure.)
Nathan, you sexy beast, post more pics on the blog.
Good luck, Scooby
-Kelly
Later Stoner Chick/Claire.
Since I'm from Jersey and a big fan of the eagles... I'm getting a philly cheese steak. Sorry Nate. You brought it up.
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