Week 4 Picks with Stoner Chick

Alright, one note on the Bulls and then we'll get to Stoner Chick and the game picking. It is no secret around this website that I graduated from the University of South Florida and that fellow PIC columnist and blogger Nick Gaudio attends West Virginia University (he will most likely graduate in '08 from what I understand). And that we've been talking a little smack this week. I hope everyone understands that I feel no animosity towards Nick Gaudio, whom I have met and with whom I have consumed alcoholic beverages, ran across random midtown Atlanta statues and been kicked out of a Chicken and Waffle Place. I consider him a friend. A friend whose team just got its asses handed to them by my team. But anyway, this really isn't about Nick.

This is about a great football team in Tampa that straight up does not get the respect it deserves. It's a good thing they're going undefeated this year so people will finally learn their name.

Now, odds are you don't care about this. And that's fine, but please understand that South Florida has a great football team named the Bulls. If you're a fan of college football, all I'm asking you to do is to commit to memory that one of the really good teams in college football is the USF Bulls. They're located in Tampa, but I'm not expecting you to know that.

The Bulls are not a fluke. And they will be around for a while.

Eventually, maybe they'll even get a kicker.

Thanks for reading that and not skipping ahead to Stoner Chick.

You skipped ahead to Stoner Chick, didn't you?

Bastards.

Stoner Chick: Okay, this weeks picks are kind of funky because we wrote it in two parts because I came by a little late to start with the picks and Nate had to go umpire some baseball games so he left me alone with the computer in this disgusting apartment and after a few hours I couldn't take it anymore and I had to clean.

You know how some people are dirt slobs and other people are clutter slobs? Like, some people just have stuff cluttered everywhere. That's not Nate. He's a big fan of space. But he's a total dirt slob. He doesn't ever seem to care that his floors, windows, blinds, bathroom and bedroom are covered in an inch of filth.

So anyway, I cleaned his place and then I went up the ballpark to yell at him while he was umpiring but when I yelled at him one of the fans?some older lady?told me that I should be quiet because Nate was their favorite umpire. I will say this for Nate, he is full of surprises. Apparently, everyone loves it when they get him for a game because he is a good umpire and?this was the shocking part?nice and caring. When I heard this, I was like: Nate? Nate DeGraaf? Surely they've got the wrong guy. But I guess if it's sports then he really does care. But when it's women, then he's an ass. Some people have fucked priorities.

Anyway, now that I'm done making fun of Nate, it's time to pick the football games. I spent a great deal of time picking the games so all of the picks are mine, but Nate is gonna do the writing because he said I don't write as funny as I talk.

Whatever the hell that means.

On to the picks.

HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

Raiders (+4) over DOLPHINS
Actual conversation Stoner Chick had with a lady at the ballpark.

Lady: Is that umpire your boyfriend?
SC: No.
Lady: Just a friend?
SC: Well, I kind of wanted him as a boyfriend for a while but then I realized that we didn't have anything in common so I just decided to be his friend.
Lady: You know, I know you may think you have nothing in common, but you two would have beautiful children.
SC: I know. God they would be the cutest kids ever.

They then talked for twenty goddamn minutes, completely oblivious to the fact that there was a baseball game going on at the time. Women.

Texans (-2.5) over FALCONS
So I asked Stoner Chick why she felt the Texans had a shot against the Falcons and she responded by informing me that no one in football has less interest in their jobs than the Atlanta Falcons.

She then added, "Except maybe Norv Turner."

She really does know her football.

Browns (+4) over RAVENS
And so a new age dawned in America. Or rather, an older age was rewritten. An age came to be wherein the Cleveland football team did not suck. But, how long would it last?

Only time will tell. Well, time and Stoner Chick, who says the Browns have a shot at the playoffs this year. Whatever.

LIONS (+3) over Bears
Brian Griese is doing what now?

That can't be good.

VIKINGS (+2) over Packers
Stoner Chick made this pick because, "Brett Favre loses a lot of his lusciousness in climate controlled areas."

Doesn't that make him sound like some kind of wine or fruit or something?

COWBOYS (-13) over Rams
Sorry Dad. Your team sucks this year.

Jets (-3.5) over BILLS
Apparently JP Losman got the boot. This is a step in the right direction, but I don't know if it's enough to beat the Jets.

Buccaneers (+3) over PANTHERS
SC never picks against the Bucs or Jags. It's part of her charm.

Seahawks (-2) over 49ERS
And since there is really nothing to say about this game, please allow me to relay to you another anecdote from Stoner Chick's awesome life.

Last night, SC was waitressing in a very popular corner of a very popular bar, which was showing the USF/WVU game because, now that the Bulls are good, everyone around here is a fan (which is good; we need more fans, bandwagon or no). One of her patrons had a little too much to drink, and as a result was looking, well, kind of green. So SC leaned in to ask if the dude was okay and he threw up on her tits.

And the worst part?

He only tipped nine percent. I mean, if you're gonna throw up on a chick's tits, forty percent is the minimum. Some people have no class.

Steelers (-6) over CARDINALS
And if you think otherwise, you better have a damn good argument or a hot female body. Otherwise, I will not believe you.

Chiefs (+12) over the CHARGERS
For the record, I went the other way on this. But Stoner Chick would not waiver. She even bet me dinner.

Oh, and I decided to start working out again. Also for the record, I quit exercising, after working out for roughly seven years, when I was ordered to stay out of the gym for thirty days by a doctor. That was four years ago. In that time, I managed to lose twenty pounds and more than double my percentage of body fat. So yeah, I'm a lazy shit.

COLTS (-10) over Broncos
I wouldn't watch this game with your eyes.

Eagles (-3) over GIANTS
Actual sentence stoner chick actually said to me after I finished my last game, today.

"You know, while logic and fluidity were striking out kids for cash, I read the following on the bumper sticker of an old truck: I'm so horny, even the crack of dawn is looking good."

It really is nice to have her back.

Patriots (-7.5) over BENGALS
Rule number 4 for SC on The Nate Way: No more mentioning how hot Tom Brady is. (Rule number 1 is no writing about rules 2 and 3).

Now if you'll excuse us, it's time for me to take the lady to dinner.

Nate's record (weeks 1 and 2) 13-16-3
SC's record (week 3) 10-2-4
The Nate Way Overall Record: 23-18-7

Labels: NFL_picks

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