Observations Like a Week Off

Recently, I called up to St. Louis to pass on my condolences to my friend, Burn, whose mom just passed away. As a result, we had the following conversation.

Me: Condolences on your loss, Burn. I'm sorry.
Burn: Thanks, dude. That's nice of you. Hey, when are you coming back up here? I need to kick your ass in darts.

You see, the last time I saw Burn was in St. Louis over Christmas, where I beat him twice in cricket (that's a dart game) by coming from behind and hitting a few lucky double bulls-eyes. Burn has not forgotten this. And that's one of the great things about being men. We could have talked about all that Burn is going through?I mean, he's very young to have lost his mom?but instead, we talked about darts. Who needs therapy when you've got bar games?

My friend Rick lost fifty American dollars because Tony Soprano survived the final episode of The Sopranos. On a completely unrelated note, I am fifty dollars richer.

This whole Paris Hilton thing is weirding me the fuck out. First, she's in jail, then she's out of jail, then she's back in jail again? How does she do it? Clearly, she has super powers. What's that you say? Influential parents and good lawyers? Are you sure? I don't know. Until I see evidence to the contrary, I'm going with super herpes. Powers! I meant super powers. Yeah, that's what she has.

This week, I am on vacation (from my real job?I'll still be writing), which is awesome because I already live in Florida so I save on the airfare. Anyway, y'all are welcome to come visit provided that you are either a) a very hot female or b) buying the drinks. Seriously, I'm fun to hang out with. You should hear my stories? like the one about that time I accidentally killed a bear with gonorrhea tainted urine. That one's a dinner table classic.

Writing phrases like "gonorrhea tainted urine" always makes me smile a little on the inside. If Sully hadn't given me this gig, I'd probably be writing on bathroom walls. Oh, speaking of our fearless editor...

June 5th was PIC founder Court Sullivan's birthday. Fearless, you can consider this your birthday card because it's late and worthless. But hey, at least I didn't spend money on it. That's what's important.

And finally, because logic and fluidity need to tap out a column so they can get to the beach and drink frothy pink things that taste like popsicles melting in the sun, I leave you with the following, which I overheard a young woman say at a bar yesterday.

"Black men love me because I like to dance and I have a big ass."

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