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Eric Does she suck a mule under Corona?
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About Mike Faerber
Hometown
Austin
School
University of Texas - Austin
At a Glance
Mike Faerber attends the University of Texas along with the 2005 National Champion Longhorn Football team. He majors in Radio-TV-Film or whatever major you say after he asks, "What’s your major?" Mike rarely skips class and almost hurls every time he takes a shot. In his off time, he gets naked, complains, and dreams of being a comic. Mike is funny. Mike isn’t very funny.
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The Trimmings: Boys Won't Be Boys
By Mike Faerber | Oct 9, 2006
| Comments (2) | Submit an article |
INT. APARTMENT - MORNING
Two roommates, BRYCE and AARON sit in a living room amidst the remains of a party, hungover. A bedroom door creaks open, and a BLONDE in a party dress and heels stumbles her way meekly out the door. The last roommate STEVE emerges in boxers.
BRYCE - Wait, don't tell me. Did you two...
Steve nods and smirks . Bryce and Aaron high five.
AARON - The big guy, pulling through. What is that the fifth one this semester?
STEVE - Six. You forgot Beth.
BRYCE - Wait which one is Beth?
STEVE - She was over the same night as Lindsay.
AARON - At the same time?
Steve rubs his eye with a short laugh.
AARON - Unbelievable.
BRYCE - You are a God among men!
STEVE - Guys, c'mon now. I mean Bryce you have a girlfriend, you're getting more than any of us.
BRYCE - I wish! Have you even met Ashley? Sometimes, if I'm lucky, we'll go at it during a movie or something but they generally frown upon that in theatres, you know?
Aaron scoffs, pushes him.
BRYCE - What? It's true!
STEVE - You're telling me that whole time ashley and you were locked in your room two nights ago, you didn't get any lip action?
BRYCE - I'm serious, we just ended up fucking the whole time.
The room explodes in disbelief.
AARON - For six hours?
BRYCE - It sucks. Steve here has these charming in-depth conversations with new girls every night. Meanwhile, all Ashley wants to do is bone.
STEVE - You gotta work that bro. I've seen the way you two interact. I know she wants to.
AARON - Yeah, she is DYING to have some hot, nasty heart to hearts with you.
BRYCE - Nooo!
STEVE - YES! Dude, I have to admit. I'm a little jealous. Sure someone like... uh... uh
AARON - Monica.
STEVE - Monica who has a banging personality, not to mention the tightest sense of humor I have ever seen, but Ashley? Damn, what I wouldn't give to be able to bend her over that desk, and talk the shit out of her.
Bryce is now flustered.
BRYCE - What you think I haven't tried? Every night I try whispering in her ear, you know just to put her in the talking mood. But what do you know? She says that turns her on, and 5 minutes later, she's got her mouth full. I can't get anything out of her.
AARON - Look what you need to do is not put so much pressure on her to perform. When she's ready, she'll open up.
STEVE - And once she does, it's important you ream the holy hell out of her afterwards so she doesn't feel used.
BRYCE - Oh and look who this is coming from? The mute who talks to women online.
AARON - Hey, I don't do that anymore!
BRYCE - And the smooth, ladies man who enters a room and already has three girls begging to get all tongue-tied.
STEVE - I can't help that they never want to fuck.
BRYCE - Yeah, but you're not exactly hating it are you? God, I knew I should have joined debate team instead of being the star quarterback.
Bryce sulks, the other two pantomime "what's gotten into him?"
STEVE - Look buddy, I didn't know it was that bad. I mean sure, when I was going back and forth with Lindsay and Beth, I thought, "Maybe I'm being a little selfish." But I never knew that you and Ash weren't on speaking terms.
AARON - I read somewhere, that girls get tired of the same old chit-chat. If you want we can make a trip to store and maybe buy you... you know a big black Thesaurus.
BRYCE - I DON'T NEED A THESAURUS! WE BROKE UP! Okay? She got pissed at me trying to make her talk, and I got pissed and called her the most sexually generous girlfriend ever. And now it's over.
AARON - Geez, sorry. Somebody needs to go have a soliloquoy.
BRYCE - Look, I don't need your help, really. Just please cut out this whole brotherly-bond shit. God it's almost like you two want to talk to me.
STEVE - Really mature, Bryce.
Steve and Aaron walk to their rooms. Bryce is alone sulking.
KNOCK KNOCK... at the door. Bryce goes to open it. It's MONICA, the blonde.
MONICA - I think I left my clutch.
Bryce gets it for her.
BRYCE - Oh, here.
MONICA - You're Bryce, right?
BRYCE - Yeah.
She bites her lip, fidgets.
MONICA - This is kinda an awkward situation. I mean, I know Steve and I talked last night, but
BRYCE - No you don't need to explain, it's cool.
MONICA - Well it's just that I think I kinda like you.
BRYCE - Really?
MONICA - Well I didn't realize it last night when we fucking at that party, but the more I think about it, the more I really wish it had been you.
Bryce is speechless.
MONICA - Anyway, I'd just thought I'd give you this.
It's her number.
MONICA - Call me if, you know, you feel like talking sometime.
Two roommates, BRYCE and AARON sit in a living room amidst the remains of a party, hungover. A bedroom door creaks open, and a BLONDE in a party dress and heels stumbles her way meekly out the door. The last roommate STEVE emerges in boxers.
BRYCE - Wait, don't tell me. Did you two...
Steve nods and smirks . Bryce and Aaron high five.
AARON - The big guy, pulling through. What is that the fifth one this semester?
STEVE - Six. You forgot Beth.
BRYCE - Wait which one is Beth?
STEVE - She was over the same night as Lindsay.
AARON - At the same time?
Steve rubs his eye with a short laugh.
AARON - Unbelievable.
BRYCE - You are a God among men!
STEVE - Guys, c'mon now. I mean Bryce you have a girlfriend, you're getting more than any of us.
BRYCE - I wish! Have you even met Ashley? Sometimes, if I'm lucky, we'll go at it during a movie or something but they generally frown upon that in theatres, you know?
Aaron scoffs, pushes him.
BRYCE - What? It's true!
STEVE - You're telling me that whole time ashley and you were locked in your room two nights ago, you didn't get any lip action?
BRYCE - I'm serious, we just ended up fucking the whole time.
The room explodes in disbelief.
AARON - For six hours?
BRYCE - It sucks. Steve here has these charming in-depth conversations with new girls every night. Meanwhile, all Ashley wants to do is bone.
STEVE - You gotta work that bro. I've seen the way you two interact. I know she wants to.
AARON - Yeah, she is DYING to have some hot, nasty heart to hearts with you.
BRYCE - Nooo!
STEVE - YES! Dude, I have to admit. I'm a little jealous. Sure someone like... uh... uh
AARON - Monica.
STEVE - Monica who has a banging personality, not to mention the tightest sense of humor I have ever seen, but Ashley? Damn, what I wouldn't give to be able to bend her over that desk, and talk the shit out of her.
Bryce is now flustered.
BRYCE - What you think I haven't tried? Every night I try whispering in her ear, you know just to put her in the talking mood. But what do you know? She says that turns her on, and 5 minutes later, she's got her mouth full. I can't get anything out of her.
AARON - Look what you need to do is not put so much pressure on her to perform. When she's ready, she'll open up.
STEVE - And once she does, it's important you ream the holy hell out of her afterwards so she doesn't feel used.
BRYCE - Oh and look who this is coming from? The mute who talks to women online.
AARON - Hey, I don't do that anymore!
BRYCE - And the smooth, ladies man who enters a room and already has three girls begging to get all tongue-tied.
STEVE - I can't help that they never want to fuck.
BRYCE - Yeah, but you're not exactly hating it are you? God, I knew I should have joined debate team instead of being the star quarterback.
Bryce sulks, the other two pantomime "what's gotten into him?"
STEVE - Look buddy, I didn't know it was that bad. I mean sure, when I was going back and forth with Lindsay and Beth, I thought, "Maybe I'm being a little selfish." But I never knew that you and Ash weren't on speaking terms.
AARON - I read somewhere, that girls get tired of the same old chit-chat. If you want we can make a trip to store and maybe buy you... you know a big black Thesaurus.
BRYCE - I DON'T NEED A THESAURUS! WE BROKE UP! Okay? She got pissed at me trying to make her talk, and I got pissed and called her the most sexually generous girlfriend ever. And now it's over.
AARON - Geez, sorry. Somebody needs to go have a soliloquoy.
BRYCE - Look, I don't need your help, really. Just please cut out this whole brotherly-bond shit. God it's almost like you two want to talk to me.
STEVE - Really mature, Bryce.
Steve and Aaron walk to their rooms. Bryce is alone sulking.
KNOCK KNOCK... at the door. Bryce goes to open it. It's MONICA, the blonde.
MONICA - I think I left my clutch.
Bryce gets it for her.
BRYCE - Oh, here.
MONICA - You're Bryce, right?
BRYCE - Yeah.
She bites her lip, fidgets.
MONICA - This is kinda an awkward situation. I mean, I know Steve and I talked last night, but
BRYCE - No you don't need to explain, it's cool.
MONICA - Well it's just that I think I kinda like you.
BRYCE - Really?
MONICA - Well I didn't realize it last night when we fucking at that party, but the more I think about it, the more I really wish it had been you.
Bryce is speechless.
MONICA - Anyway, I'd just thought I'd give you this.
It's her number.
MONICA - Call me if, you know, you feel like talking sometime.
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