Casual Misanthropicks - Week 11

The "My Name is George. I'm Unemployed and I live with my parents" edition.

You can tell a lot about a person by their favorite episode of "Seinfeld". If someone's favorite is "the Contest", they have a sick sense of humor. If someone says "the Soup Nazi" they're a conformist and try to act like everyone else. If someone says "the Finale", they're a bloody liar and you shouldn't be friends with them.

Well, my favorite episode is "the Opposite", where George reasons every decision he's ever made has been wrong, so if he does the opposite, he'll be right. This philosophy leads to a hot new girlfriend and a job with the Yankees. This isn't terribly unlikely either; and fits nicely with my decision to stop showering before job interviews. Call me stinky, but I got callbacks.

Not only is "the Opposite" a great episode, but it's the perfect segue to this week's picks; I'm fed up with my performance thus far (I have no idea what the actual numbers are but I'm fairly sure it looks something like: Very few correct picks-Many many many wrong picks. So I'm going against my better judgment and taking a stab at the Week 11 picks. And remember, this is not some crazy notion. This is my religion.

HOME team in CAPS

CAROLINA (-7) over St. Louis
Here's someting I'm surprised we don't see more of: an NFL team being criticized for being too soft and having a player pretend to vomit on the sidelines in hopes people will think he's toughing it out. I'm not saying Steve Smith was trying to pull a fast one, but I'm not saying he wasn't. And I didn't see any chunks.

GREEN BAY (+6) over New England
Nice to see Brady's got himself a healthy dose of Favre-itis, where he's been told how great he is for so long he now thinks he can make lob passes into triple-coverage to a receiver whose name is "Reche". And where's Belichick in all of this? He has two solid running backs, but he keeps giving the ball to a quarterback whose health is such a concern they signed Vinny Testaverde as insurance. Vinny Testaverde! I can't believe I may have to live in a world where Jeter and Manning are MVPs and the Jets win the AFC East. What did I do to deserve this?

Atlanta (+4) over BALTIMORE
"Studio 60" is rapidly turning into the Michael Vick of television. One week, it's the best show on. The next, we get a heavyhanded gay marriage debate in two parts. We get it. That hot blonde is a conservative Christian and Chandler is a stone-cold liberal. They're quite an odd couple. Can we move on?

Oakland (+10) over KC
If Art Shell had any balls, he'd bench Randy Moss until he said he was happy again and wanted to play. Maybe Randy could rollerblade during an LA sunset and then get advice from his Scandiavian friend over hassenfeffer and eggs...hey speaking of the Mighty Ducks, anyone catch that "South Park" the other night? I won't give anything away, but the shot-by-shot parody of the end of the first Duck movie was sensational. They even nailed Charlie Conway's sliding fist pump. And yes, I realize I'm one of about six adults who still plan my Wednesday around "South Park". Don't judge.

HOUSTON (-2.5) over Buffalo
A "Demolition Man" game that doesn't involve the Lions? Stay tuned...

MIAMI (-3.5) over Minnesota
My buddy Gable is well on his way to owing me a case of beer following a preseason bet in which I predicted the Jets would finish ahead of the Dolphins in the standings. It's worth noting I was about 14 Blue Moons deep and, the same night, argued Major League 2 is every bit as good as Major League 1. Still, I got the Dolphins pick right. Maybe I should write these blogs drunk.

Cincy (+3.5) over NEW ORLEANS
Hey remember when football was a manly game and it was assumed everyone involved was tough and could take a hit. Christ, after that vicious hit Houshmansomethingorother took last week, you'd think Marlon McCree re-enacted that scene from "Last Boy Scout." I thought the analyst was going to start crying. I'm sure Joe Buck is to blame for this.

JETS (+7) over Chicago
I still say if the Bears were in the AFC, they'd be, at best, a wild-card entry. And since I have nothing to add, here are my four thoughts on the Diasuke Matsuzaka situation.

1. The national media really needs to stop saying the Red Sox only made this move to keep him off the Yankees, as though Theo and Co. plan their offseason around "Der, well we better do this so the Yankees don't." He's a 26-year-old pitcher with great stuff and could open a market for Japanese viewers. (And trust me, as someone who watched the Red Sox channel NESN more than just about anyone, nobody whores themselves like the official TV station of the Red Sox brought to you by WB Mason and Giant Glass. We don't even have a color analyst, we have a guy who shills T-shirts for nine innings and thinks Denis Leary is hilarious.)

2. Schilling. Beckett. Mastuzaka. Papelbon. Wakefield. Yes, I'm already saving up for World Series tickets.

3. Yes I'm concerned Dice-K (that's his early nickname) won't have the longevity for a 162-game season (he's used to only pitching once a week). But compare him with the other big free agent pitchers: Zito (a threat to get lit up every couple of weeks) and Schmidt (toiling away in the inferior NL and an injury risk) and Clemens (trying to come off six years of steroid use and an expiring deal with Satan). I'll take Dice-K.

4. One more note on the media, stop saying Red Sox fans need to stop bitching about the Yankees financial advantage, as though the Red Sox overspending on one guy makes up for the Yanks overspending on about ten. That's like if Nick Gaudio got assraped 1,000 times and I said "Boy that Nick Gaudio, always getting assraped." Then, I got assraped once. I could still criticize Gaudio because he still gets assraped a lot more than me. It's simple math.

PHILLY (-13) over Tennessee
God, that's a high spread for such a inconsistent team, but opposite is opposite. And hey McNabb, would it kill you to throw to Stallworth a little more? Have you noticed every time you do, he breaks tackles and scores a ton of fantasy points, errr, real-life touchdown points? I'm only trying to help you Donovan, and the good fans in Philly. And this has nothing to do with my fantasy teams, of which Stallworth is on both. I'm totally in touch with reality.

Indianapolis (-1) over DALLAS
I think Romo and the Boys are going to pull a massive upset here, so I'm taking Indy. And speaking of things out of Texas, when can we induct Bobby Knight's chin-up slap in the Unbelievably Stupid Non-Controversies Hall of Fame? I wonder what fat, balding turds like Bill Plaschke will attack Knight for next? Wearing white after Labor Day? And I'm sick of everyone on ESPN dubbing the player as "that kid" like we're talking about a six-year-old girl. He's 20 years old. He's a grown man and an athlete. And he laughed it off and said all the right things; he's probably more embarassed the media's trying to make him look like a statutory rape victim. What a farce. This is farcical.

CLEVELAND (+3) over Pittsburgh
You think Cleveland fans ever tell themselves: "If we were in the NFC, we'd be perennial wild-card contenders"? I hope not. That would be real sad.

Washington (+3) over TAMPA BAY
Brad Gradkowski vs. Jason Campbell. Who else is excited? On a related note, I offered a trade in my deep keeper football league of Tony Romo, Leon Washington, one 1st and one 2nd-round draft pick and $5 million in free agent money for Clinton Portis...who broke his hand about five minutes after I offered the deal. So I raced online to withdraw the offer but my internet was real slow and took me nearly a half-hour to get to the page and cancel the trade. I couldn't tell whether it was one of the scariest moments of my life or the most pathetic. You decide.

Arizona (-4) over DETROIT
Normally, I wouldn't stoop to two "Demolition Man" games, and was really hoping to give Lions fans a break...alas.

SAN FRAN (even) over Seattle
Obviously, they took this game off the board with Shaun Alexander questionable. But come on. It's the Niners. I don't need a new tennis racket to win a match against a paraplegic.

San Diego (+2.5) over DENVER
It's entirely probable that outside of Indy, these are the best two teams in the AFC. And I don't even remotely trust either to go to the Super Bowl. Fucked up teams? Fucked up season.

Giants (+3) over JACKSONVILLE
Sign #3,198 that nobody reads my NFL picks: nobody thought to question my sanity in picking the Giants to go to the Super Bowl. Overrated offense, injury-riddled defense, garbage coach and a QB whose last name is Manning. That's it. No more picks column. I'm writing a soap opera blog from here on out.

Casual Misanthropicks - Week 10

The Background Check Edition

So I may finally have a job. That's right, after six months of unemployment, I may finally be hired somewhere. But there's a catch, they still have to do a background check. Now, I don't have a criminal record and everything on my resume is accurate, but the first thing that pops up when you Google my name is my PIC column. Now, I stand by my column. I enjoy writing it. Tens of readers (and numerous 14-year-old girls with perverse MySpace accounts) enjoy it, too.
And if by some measure my employers are reading this, well, please take the following into account.

I have black friends, Jewish friends, Hispanic friends, Asian friends and girlfriends.
I respect other cultures.
I exaggerate certain remarks for comedic effect, often as a satirical jab at real racists/sexists/etc.
I'm not nearly as immature as my writings suggest, although I do get a majority of my news from the Daily Show.

Yes, I'm a sellout, but student loans don't pay themselves.

Okay, on to the picks (HOME teams in CAPS)

ATLANTA (-8) over Cleveland
For whatever reason, my Yahoo! pick em league changed this spread to PK on Wednesday and I have no idea why. I remember last year a Pats-Falcons game got taken off the board because Vick's status was a game-time decision (he eventually didn't play). But for this game, who knows? Vick appears healthy. It's not like Cleveland all of a sudden got a Peyton Manning clone back from injury. So what's the deal? Why is such an obvious game suddenly a toss-up? You're killing me, Yahoo!

Washington (+7) over PHILLY
I like the Eagles in a real close one. And since I have nothing to add, I found "Borat" to be one of the funniest movies in years, and my early frontrunner for the Best Picture Oscar. With that said, stop trying to do him. People always try to bust out an exaggerated Kazakh accent and say things like "Women are worthless, I like." It's just embarassing. It's like Beavis & Butthead, you can't quote them in context becuase the words aren't funny on their own, you need the voice to go with them. Since the only people in my life who could do a good Beavis and Butthead were my friends Kenny and Eric in junior high, it's damn near impossible to quote them. So don't. That is all.

San Diego (-1) over CINCY
TJ Houshmandzadeh (I think that's right) said in an interview he could sum up easily why his team is struggling, but didn't want to say why because he didn't want to get in trouble with the NFL. But that's weak. Housh makes $5.62 million a year. If it was something with his team, like Palmer is still scared about his knee being shattered again or Chad Johnson is too busy learning Spanish to catch a damn touchdown pass, that's one thing. Don't want to be a pariah. But if it's something that would piss the whole league off, well, come on. I mean, what could it be? I don't like suspense, TJ.

San Francisco (+6) over DETROIT
This week's "Demolition Man" game. One quick note, though: I could not be happier from a fantasy perspective that Frank Gore turned out to be a very subpar running back. People were drafting him in August and acting like they cured the common cold. You mean some crappy no-name behind a crappy O-line with a crappy quarterback wouldn't produce? This is why I don't do any research before fantasy drafts.

Baltimore (-7) over TENNESSEE
The Ravens currently top my leaderboard for teams just aching to upset the Colts in the playoffs. I also like the Chargers, Pats, Jaguars and Broncos, and pretty much any other team in the AFC. I'm sorry...I've just seen this movie too many times.

INDY (-12) over Buffalo
Hey, speaking of Indy...I give credit where credit is due. The Colts are, by far, the best team in the AFC and Peyton Manning should win the MVP unless he gets run over by a meat truck. But please listen, ESPN, being a great regular season team doesn't mean they're going to win the Super Bowl. Winning in the playoffs is based on running the ball and stopping the run, both things Manning and Co. suck at. And if Belichick and Brady had stuck to the script and ran the ball 25-30 times, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. (I'm still going with a Ravens-Giants Super Bowl, because that was so much fun in 2000.)

JACKSONVILLE (-10) over Houston
Every exceptional Madden player has one friend that they frequently demolish (mine is my friend Brian). Then one day, said punching bag wins and your world is turned upside down. At first, they claim they'll never play again, but eventually you talk them into it, with their confidence still fairly high. So you play again and what happens? You kick the ever-loving shit out of them. Anyway, after Houston ransacked the Jags a few weeks ago, this feels like a Madden Revenge game. Sorry, Brian.

Kansas City (-1) over MIAMI
Somewhere, Trent Green and Drew Bledsoe are having a drink together. And what if Miami wins out like they did last year? As a Pats fan, I pine for the good old days when Miami started strong and fell apart toward the end. Now they start shitty and turn it on as the season winds down. Either way they don't make the playoffs, but still, as a Dolphin-hater, I liked the November gag job a little better. Call me nostalgic.

Green Bay (+5.5) over MINNESOTA
The Packers are 3-5 and only a couple games out of a wild card spot. So here's my question: Which is worse? The NFC or the National League? And why can't my favorite team play in one of them? Oh by the way, I'm aware the Cardinals, an NL team, won the World Series (and if you weren't aware, rest assured DeGraaf will write three more columns making you aware). But they had 83 wins, relied on Yadier Molina as a hitting hero and Suppan/Weaver as their Koufax/Drysdale. Trust me, they were way more lucky than good.

New York Jets (+10.5) over NEW ENGLAND
Yes, the 2006 Red Sox-2006 Patriots comparisons are scary; beating up on shitty teams early, convincing everyone you're really good, then falling apart against your chief rival and losing one of your irreplacable players (Red Sox:Varitek::Patriots:Harrison). Hey, if ESPN is willing to ignore the Colts' tendency to blow it in January then I can ignore this.

OAKLAND (+9) over Denver
You've got to love Gene Wojciechowski and his unparalleled streak for writing the most obvious, uninspired columns on ESPN.com. His latest topic? The Raiders are awful. Thanks, Gene. I don't know where we'd be without your insight.

Dallas (-7) over ARIZONA
Let's see if I've got this right: Parcells goes for two early, they hand it to Julius Jones and he doesn't make it, Mike Vanderjagt shanks a 35-yard field goal for the win and the refs call a 15-yard facemask that was clearly 10 yards too many....and Terrell Owens is to blame for this loss? What else can we blame TO for? The war in Iraq? AIDS? Erectile dysfunction?

New Orleans (+4) over PITTSBURGH
Two teams in opposite directions, and how about Willie Parker getting reamed by the national media for his "We're just not as hungry anymore" comment? Do you realize pro sports is the only profession where you just can't complain about your job? My dad comes home from a busy day and says "Man, work sucked today" and nobody gives him shit. It's like Keith Foulke saying he didn't like baseball. So what? It's a job. How many people honestly like their job? (Except for me. I love every job for which I'm hired...God I'm a sellout.)

SEATTLE (-3.5) over St. Louis
No Hasselbeck. No Alexander. And they're 5-3? That would be like me getting castrated and improving my sex life. (Just shut your mouth, Gaudio. Shut it.)

NEW YORK GIANTS (-1) over Chicago
Welcome back to reality, Rex Grossman. Bernard Berrian will be your server.

Tampa Bay (+9.5) over CAROLINA
A few weeks ago, I compared the Panthers to Heineken beer. Both are high-end and you feel respectable for endorsing them, but after you've had a few they both taste like shit. And that's why I take the points.

Fix the Red Sox in ten easy steps.

I realize absolutely nobody cares about this except Red Sox fans (and even with them it's shaky), but here we go.

Step 1. Resign Alex Gonzalez. The real American League Gold Glover at shortstop. I realize he only hit .261 last year, but so what? He's fun to watch, makes things a lot easier for pitchers, and doesn't defense win championships?

Step 2. Don't trade Manny. Everyone knows you want to trade him, so what are the odds you're going to get equal value? And so what if he dogged it down the stretch when the Sox were out of it. They weren't playing for anything! Just randomly leak bogus trade rumors from time to time to keep Manny happy (I'm convinced they've been doing this, too. Manny for Mike Cameron and Aubrey Huff? My Aunt Fanny!)

Step 3.Sign Alfonso Soriano. This team needs a big free agent signing, so why not reload your offense? And it's not one of those Adrian Beltre contract years either, he's nearly been a 40-40 guy each of the past five years (with the exception of an injury-plagued 2004). His defense at second is suspect, but the Red Sox won a World Series with Mark Bellhorn at the position and nearly won in 2003 with Todd Walker. By the bye, sign Soriano and the Red Sox lineup looks something like this:
1. Crisp
2. Youks
3. Soriano
4. Ortiz
5. Manny
6. Pena
7. Lowell
8. Varitek
9. Gonzalez

Holy shit! Start printing World Series tickets now.

Step 4. Sign Ted Lilly. Cheap. Lefty. Kills the Red Sox. Used to the A.L. You need more of a scouting report? His ERA has been over 5 just once in six years. Plus, now the rotation looks like so:
1. Schilling
2. Beckett
3. Papelbon
4. Wakefield
5. Lilly
(With Lester hopefully returning and Daniel Bard waiting in the wings for when Schilling and Wake eventually retire.)

Step 5. Don't get stupid and sign Bonds or Sosa. I can't imagine them doing this, but it bears mentioning.

Step 6. Resign Alex Cora and trade Julian Tavarez and cash to the Reds for Ryan Freel. The Reds need a long reliever and the Sox could use Freel (who plays fucking anywhere) and has speed. And the Reds don't play him.You may think he won't get much PT with Boston. Yeah, because Manny and Soriano never need a day off. And Mike Lowell is really young. And Crisp or Youkilis never battle injuries.Boy, I hope your Norton Anti-Virus can handle this sarcasm.

Step 7. Build a bullpen with young-uns. Having a solid bullpen is a tossup anyway, may as well go cheap. Give MDC and Hansen another chance. Keep Timlin the hell away from runners-on. Let Foulke close. Spend the first month of the season throwing every pitcher in the farm in the bullpen. See what sticks. Look at the Twins. Best bullpen ERA in the league and if you can name one of their relievers beside Joe Nathan, you know more about baseball than I.

Step 8. Learn how to manufacture a run. That Billy Beane craps works fine if you like not going to the World Series. Why the hell build an offense around "Just get on base and pray Ortiz or Manny comes up soon?" That's retarded. With Crisp and Cora (and hopefully Soriano and Freel) you can steal bases.Christ, the most important play in Red Sox history was a stolen base, you'd think they knew this. And how do you not bunt?

Step 9. Assign bullpen roles. By June last year, Terry Francona knew the following: Papelbon was the only reliever he could trust. Hansen and MDC were OK. Timlin was below average. Tavarez and Seanez were being bitched about in every Red Sox message board and Casual Misanthropy column from here to Alaska. He should have reasoned the following:
A. Use Paps in the ninth and maybe to get an out in the eighth.
B. Use MDC and Hansen as setup guys in 2-3 run games late (as in, past the seventh).
C. Use Timlin as a stopgap.
D. Use Tavarez or Van Buren as a long reliever or games that have a 4-5 run differential.
E. Let Seanez clean the toilets in the clubhouse.

Instead, Paps kept coming in four times a week (and we wonder why he broke down), Timlin was dragged in with RISP almost constantly even though his ERA in those situations is something like 209.30 and I kept seeing Rudy Seanez in key moments. I hate to be one of those jerkoffs who call talk radio and pretend they know more than a Major League manager but "This is Justin from the car. First time, long time. Francona's an idiot."

Step 10. Just some random thoughts: Tell Varitek to lose the C (this isn't hockey)... when playing the Yankees, throw at Matsui (he gets completely rattled by this to the point he starts to looks like Lucy Liu at the plate)... tell Beckett to throw a fucking breaking ball once or twice... unless a starter is working on a no-hitter or something, they should be gone by the seventh or 100 pitches, which ever comes first, don't leave Curt in there to throw 150 pitches because you "had a feeling"...when playing an AL East opponent, throw at at least one hitter early in the game every time (Pedro used to do this frequently, but hey it's not like he was the best pitcher in Red Sox history or anything)...get into at least one bench-clearing brawl with the Yankees (gets people fired up)...fire Don Orsillo (he's fucking annoying) and hire Bruins play-by-play guy Dale Arnold (has a great announcer's voice and would actually do his job and keep Remy from turning into a self-parody)...when Ortiz comes up in a key situation in the ninth or extras, just start playing "Dirty Water" and save everyone time.

I wonder if anyone's going to actually read this.

Casual Misanthropicks - Week 9

The "Is It Sunday at 8:15 Yet?" Edition

This past week is among the saddest of my sports fan year. The NBA has started. Honestly, I wouldn't mind it so much if it didn't mean ESPN would morph into NBA 2Night and PTI and Around the Horn would engage in 30-minute debates over whether some guy named Rasho Rastonevic would make the Warriors a contender. I honestly don't care.
It's nothing personal with the NBA other than it's a boring, stupid league that gets far too much attention. After the Bulls upset the Heat on Tuesday night, both ATH and PTI devoted a segment to opining whether or not the Bulls could win the NBA title. Bear in mind, they've played exactly one good game...in an 82-game schedule. Meanwhile the Sabres started the year 11-0-1 and Penguins standout Evgeni Malkin has scored in his first six games in the league, which has never been done before and that gets about as much attention as the Daytime Emmys. I fucking hate the national sports media.

OK, on to a sport everyone cares about.

(HOME team in CAPS)

Houston (+13.5) over NY GIANTS
That spread seems WAY too high. And speaking of New York bias, listen, I like Derek Jeter. He plays hard. He loves to win. He's baseball's Tom Brady and he probably should be the AL MVP. But Gold Glover? According to my numbers, he's ninth among AL shortstops in Range Factor and also middle of the road in errors and putouts. So what the fuck? Why even have this award? It's like me winning the Best Actress Oscar for my stirring portrayal of Queen Victoria (I look pretty in a corset).

New Orleans (-1) over TAMPA BAY
You know why I root against Tampa? Well, mostly to spite DeGraaf. But also, because Chucky the doll (whom Bucs coach Jon Gruden looks like) scares the shit out of me. And whenever Tampa does something good, CBS or FOX or whatever thinks it wouldn't be traumatic at all to show random shots of a Chucky doll. Yeah, so everyone would be up in arms if they showed a titty on national TV, but a psycopathic doll who spent three movies trying to slaughter a child, that's all well and good. What a country.

Green Bay (+3) over BUFFALO
Damon Huard. Charlie Batch. Jon Kitna. Rex Grossman. Joey Harrington. You think JP Loseman is pissed he didn't get the memo about this being the year of the bad quarterback?

Dallas (-3) over WASHINGTON
When Drew Bledsoe is looking for another team next year, I think the dialogue will go something like this.

Drew: So who is your backup QB?
GM Person: Some third-stringer from MIT's flag football squad.
Drew: Hmm, that seems risky.
GM Person: Well, we also have on our depth chart a one-armed paraplegic with a lazy eye.
Drew: Cool, release the first guy and you got yourself a quarterback.

Miami (+13.5) over CHICAGO
In the next five weeks, Chicago has the Giants, Jets, Pats, Rams and Vikings. In other words, you think they're going to put their all into THIS game?

Tennesse (+9.5) over JACKSONVILLE
Under normal circumstances, this probably would lose it's spot in my TV rotation with Demolition Man on another channel, but I'm fascinated by the Jags. Are they good or not? I've never seen a team switch from great to awful week-to-week. I need manic depression medicine just to bet on them.

Atlanta (-5.5) over DETROIT
Vick throws a few more touchdowns against a shit defense, everyone in America goes crazy. You know the drill.

BALTIMORE (-3) over Cincy
You know what I did when I saw Chad Johnson's Ocho Cinco jersey? I laughed. A lot. Imagine being the guy who saw that and said "Hey, wait a second. His last name is Johnson, not Ocho Cinco. Get my secretary. We gotta fine that Negro." Something tells me that guy walked out of 'Borat'.


ST. LOUIS (-2.5) over Kansas City
Damon Huard currently has a better QB rating than Donovan McNabb, Tom Brady, Carson Palmer, Vick, Hasselbeck, Pennington, Favre. Consider that Exhibit A in why my picks suck.

Minnesota (-5) over SAN FRAN
Watching the Vikings fans' reactions to getting blown out of the tank on Monday night, I almost felt bad. As a Pats fan, it felt like rooting for the Rangers against Mystery, Alaska. And regarding Monday Night Football, if the TV Guide says the game starts at 8, start it at fucking eight. I met with some friends at a bar to watch the Pats game, and sat through 30 minutes of pre-game and a replay of the horrificially sad Make A Wish video of Tedy Bruschi and some terminally ill kid. (If you don't sob uncontrollably after watching that, I don't know what to tell you.). But as wonderful as that video is, I don't want to see it before a football game. I'm a sports fan, the last thing I need is unneccessary perspective. I hate perspective. Anyway, everyone bitches about MLB games running late, but nobody seems to care that ESPN takes its sweet-ass time getting started. My poor dad gets up for work at 5 a.m., so every time the Pats play a night game, he catches maybe the first quarter. How's that for perspective?

Denver (+3) over PITTSBURGH
If I were Ben Roethlisberger, I could get into a thousand motorcycle accidents and none would hurt as bad as hearing "Yeah so we're going to sit you because we think we have a better to chance to win with Chaz Batch." That's worse than Peter Griffin losing his promotion to that retarded guy with half a pencil stuck in his head.

SAN DIEGO (-12.5) over Cleveland
I thought they fixed it so we didn't have to watch shitty Monday night games anymore? Pfft. Watch 'Studio 60' instead.

NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Indianapolis
That is all.

Casual Misanthropicks - Week 8

The Double-post Edition

First off, sorry to the two people (and Dan Opp) who put up with me double-posting the last baseball blog. Blogger was being a bastard. Also, I'm fairly certain Rhode Island has the worst wireless internet in the country. I'm better off sending in my PIC blogs via smoke signal. Anyway, on to the picks.

(HOME team in CAPS)

Jacksonville (+6) over PHILLY
The Jags and Eagles are the "Just Friends" of the NFL. I recently saw "Just Friends" a comedy starring Ryan Reynolds. The plot is essentially about a fat kid in high school, who loses a lot of weight and gets rich and returns home to bang his high school crush...which he does (what a nice message for overweight teenagers). Anyway, the plot is clunky and predictable and the scene where the Christmas decorations get destroyed is embarassing. And yet...I laughed. A lot. A real lot. So I've been debating in my head all week if I should like the movie and recommend it to friends, risking them going "What the fuck? That movie was terrible." So I have no idea and I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it.
And that's the Jags and Eagles. Any questions?

Atlanta (+4.5) over CINCY
Another one! I literally have no idea what's happening in the NFL anymore, or for that matter, any sport. The two teams in the World Series I both predicted would get swept in the first round. Maybe I should be a fashion designer and make pretty dresses because obviously I don't know shit.

GREEN BAY (-3.5) over Arizona
"Demolition Man" might be on.

TENNESSEE (-3) over Houston
One thing that always bothered me about "Demolition Man", how in the hell do you wipe your ass with shells?

KC (-6) over Seattle
Huard vs. Wallace. Wow. Although it brings a tear to my eye to see a battle between two QBs that end up on my Madden depth chart after I'm too lazy and let the computer sign free agents.

NEW ORLEANS (-2) over Baltimore
"The Saints are coming! The Saints are coming! The Saints are coming!" Good, now it's stuck in your head. As if you didn't hate me enough before.

Tampa (+9) over NEW YORK GIANTS
This is my impression of the national sports media: "Holy cow, some New York sports team is decidedly above average, they're the best team in all the land!"

And that's how mediocre shits like Jeremy Shockey become household names. God, I hate New York.

New York Jets (-2) over CLEVELAND
Ok, get ready for the patented Rebello flip-flop. The Jets are a good team. They very nearly beat Indy and the Pats, they're well-coached, Pennington is healthy, and their defense is decent. So why are they underdogs against a shithole like Cleveland? Mark my words, the Jets are making the playoffs. They have two tough games left (New England and Chicago), one moderate (Minnesota) and the rest are Buffalo, Miami, Green Bay, Oakland and Houston.

San Fran (+16.5) over CHICAGO
How come more people aren't concerned the Bears needed a 20-point comedback to survive the Cardinals? Am I missing something?

Indy (+2.5) over DENVER
We'll be flipping this around come January.

Oakland (+9) over PITTSBURGH
Spread seems a little high.

CAROLINA (-5.5) over Dallas
Well, the last time Bledsoe was benched by a team in favor of an untested backup...NAH!

New England (-2) over MINNESOTA
This game doesn't scare me nearly as much as it probably should.