The History of Sex

In the beginning, there was bareback doggy style; and it was good. Very good. Humans fucked like horny, godless, bloodthirsty animals—the woman on all fours, presented her hairy, raw, maroon vagina to the suitable alpha male, who mounted her back while clawing and pulling her pubic hair, pounding the fuck out of her ovaries until they were bleeding. And all of this happened in only a few seconds. You see, the term “minute man” had not been created, nor labeled by a bunch of hairy-twat feminists as a bad thing. The point was to mate, not to snuggle up with your gal and watch Friends like a sniveling faggot.

Some say that this technique of carnal fucking would save the human race from predators… as each party would slather bodily fluids over the other’s matted, knotted-up pubic hair until bits of semen and vaginal fluid were so caked onto their bodies that animals wouldn’t eat the shit out of them. In more civilized terms, it was the facial, the Strawberry Cheesecake, and the Purple Sock filled with Cream Cheese that saved the human race. We’ll get into those styles as sexuality became much more complicated, in Part II and III of this series.

Other experts disagree and say that the sex was just so good that cavemen fought like hell to get back to their tribe and smack a hoe’s ass.

"Socrates, Plato and Aristotle played vital roles in how to swallow lots of cum and not get violently ill."

Admittedly, by modern standards, the sex was pretty good. The woman would wail and kick and moan (much like they do nowadays when they can’t return a sweater or some shit). The man would release his seed, hope the bitch got pregnant, and was then able to move away to another distant land and fuck Asian chicks with the small feet. There was no child support, and there were no “It takes a real man to be a father” commercials. There was only fucking bitches and the idea that it takes a real man to… well, fuck a lot of bitches.

Shortly after the beginnings of civilization and the discovery of language, though, fucking became less animalistic and more societal. Men were required to use very primitive phrases known today as “pick-up” lines. Some popular phrases of the Stone Age included, “How do you like your pterodactyl eggs? Raw or fucking terrifyingly colossal?” and “How much does a wooly mammoth weigh? Enough to disembody your fat cunt,” and “Did it hurt… when Sargon II maimed and killed your entire family as an act of terrorism so that your city-state would pay him a fixed, yearly tribute?” Regardless of this societal influence in the realm of fucking, women were still treated as property and still fucked to the point of being catatonic for days. It is safe to say that the world was all the better for it, as we all know how difficult it is to get a bitch to shut up.

Also, with the building of cities came the requirement of men to support their wives and children. No longer was it easy to scale the countryside; women began requiring security both financial and physical, before they would arc their backs and show the coconut with the pink milk inside. As a result, the pull-out method was invented. Albeit ineffective and pleasure-killing, this technique was used for centuries… and still is…. Thanks Dad!

As the epochs passed, it must also be assumed that somewhere along the way, oral sex was first introduced to the civilized man. In order to keep the man from leaving the home to pursue other pussy, the woman had to create new and exciting ways of luring and capturing their baby daddy’s souls. Yet, as for how it first happened—that is, whether it was a man smart enough to smash tasty berries or olives all over his nuts, or if it was a woman who was just that much of a cumslut—we may never know. However, it can be said that whoever got the first blowjob was a lucky, happy motherfucker.

Eventually, it would be Greek culture that brought a great deal of homosexuality to the table; but we won’t talk about that, because someday… I’d like to eat off that table. Let’s just say that it’s safe to believe that Socrates, Plato and Aristotle all played vital roles in not only educating mankind to the ways of the universe, but also educating mankind on home décor, proper resume etiquette, and how to swallow lots of cum and not get violently ill. With the Greeks also came the invention of the Glory Hole, a hole in a wall in which a woman would sit in a room—particularly in a bathhouse—and suck/fuck a man out of. A man who she would never see. This was a very popular societal function; that is, until bathhouse owners started putting Greek women in these rooms.

Jewish civilization, on the other hand, did not value sexuality, but repressed sexual desires. However, it should be said that only the Jews could be responsible for prostitution (CHARGING for sex), sodomy (the sex of CHARGING, so to speak), and nose-hole fucking. They really do have big noses naturally, you know?

Including these methods of fucking, the Jews authored a book known today as Deuteronomy, in which all things akin to railing your best friend’s wife’s cousin’s mentor’s other pupil’s sister’s brother’s teacher’s cousins’ husband’s other best friend’s pastor’s dog’s second owner were given particular rules like, “DON’T FUCK THEM IF YOU’RE HAVING A GOOD TIME!”

Though, as the sun was setting on the Jewish culture, never to be thought of or spoken of again… rising from the ashes of Jericho came perhaps the single-most dastardly element in the history of fucking: Christianity. Next time, we’ll bitch about how stupid Christians are for a) waiting until marriage to have sex, b) banning oral sex and anal sex, and c) wasting their only existence blindly following Ghostdad.

Until then, I’ll end with these:

Fun Fucking Facts (Part I)

• The World’s first dildo was carved out of limestone and found near the Rhine River in Germany, proving to modern archaeologists that even German cavemen couldn’t please their women.
• It is a commonly held assumption that Cleopatra was actually the world’s first swallower. Hence her power… and why Marc Anthony would die for a nutty bitch like her.
• Mankind’s first douche was invented shortly after the pull-out method proved to be counterproductive. This crude device involved a mob of friends, a very primitive siphon, and lots and lots of volcanic magma.
• Mankind’s first birth control came shortly after all of the women got first degree burns on their ovaries and couldn’t produce children. Developed during the Xing Dynasty, this, by modern standards, would be considered your basic rubber-like condom… only with 18 little ninja stars wrapped around it.
• The Greek epic poet Homer is quoted as saying that Helen of Troy’s clit was “so long, you could hang a toga from it.”
• That new movie 300 sucked. If you liked it, you’re probably too stupid to have sex.

And that’s allllllllll (for this week, that is).