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"Because long-term planning is for Communists"
Now Playing: "The Letter" by The Boxtops
There are people out there who have been planning their Spring Break
adventure since they were in a bassinet. Not me, however. I live by
the seat of my pants, even though I don't know what that means
really. That's why, since this week happens to be Spring Break, I
think it's time I get the planning phase of my vacation out of the
way. I've got 12 hours to figure out what to do for the week off,
and I only have a few borderline retarded ideas. Here's what
happened:
-Visit Local Pool: Ok, so
you can't afford to go down south to some tropical destination and
lie on the beach next to a topless model and drink out of a
hollowed-out pineapple, but so what? You've got something better,
right there at home: The local recreation center's swimming pool.
Nothing quite captures the magic of showering next to an 80-year-old
man's liverspotted ass. Plus, you get to use those awesome floating
pool noodles. Take that, Cancun!
-Rent Kangaroo Jack: There's been a lot of debate about the
pinnacle of American film. If you ask the experts they'll tell you
the best movie ever is Citizen Kane, despite the fact that it's
almost 3 hours long and it turns out Rosebud was just the name of
his sled. Goddamn that was disappointing. Now if you want to see
true cinematic greatness, I suggest you head on down to the local
Blockbuster Video and Black Market Organ store to rent Kangaroo
Jack, a film that includes both a black guy AND a talking CGI
kangaroo. Hey, this is what happens when you let Jerry Bruckheimer
into the meth lab.
-Return Items You Didn't Buy to Wal-Mart: Did you know you
can return anything to Wal-Mart, even without a receipt? Since
Wal-Mart sells pretty much everything on the planet, this means it's
possible to convince the highly motivated customer service
representative to give you a refund on whatever crap you happen to
have on you at the time. It doesn't matter if it's a half-eaten
bartlet pear or the underwear you're currently wearing (the one with
all those orange stains of indeterminate origin), Wal-Mart will take
it back and at worst you'll get store credit. You can use this
credit to buy even more crap from Wal-Mart, and the circle of life
continues.
-Drink Six Pounds of Turkey Gravy: While traditional Spring
Break-ers are off spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol, I've got
the perfect substitute for you stay-at-home types: Turkey Gravy.
It's possibly the cheapest substance on the planet, and the
tryptophan in the turkey will give you a mild buzz WITHOUT the
hangover. To most closely approximate the Spring Break atmosphere,
chug six pounds of brown gold and watch the magic unfold. The best
part is after you throw it all up you can return it to Wal-Mart for
store credit (see above).
-Memorize State Capitals for
Local Geography Bee: The United States of America has at least
50 state capitals, and the average person knows no more than three
of them (and that's if you incorrectly include New York and L.A.).
If you're going to win the local geography bee, and I know you want
to, you're going to have to learn that the capital city of Alabama
is Montgomery, the capital of Louisiana is Baton Rouge, and the
capital of Maine is irrelevant to the global economy. When your
friends get back from their boring old vacations you can impress
them by showing off your silver medal and $50 gift certificate to
Red Lobster. Hey, you can't win first prize with "irrelevant to the
global economy."
-Attend a Female Circumcision
Ritual: There are some religions that although I haven't looked
it up probably include Islam, that mutilate the genitals of the
females in order to preserve their virginity or some other batshit
lunatic idea. These female circumcision rituals make great theater,
however, as you're unlikely to find more authentic sounding screams
this side of Guantanamo Bay. If you want to find out where these
wonderful events take place, just make friends with some Islamic
people by loudly declaring your hatred for America (be sure it's
Islamic people who do this first, otherwise you might make friends
with them for nothing). Bring popcorn and take lots of pictures.
-Qualify for Special Olympics: It's amazing how often people
with mental handicaps are able to effortlessly blend into mainstream
society. Just look at David Arquette if you don't believe me. The
good news is you can use this to your advantage, by spending Spring
Break training to compete against these mental midgets (no offense
to regular midgets). If you can fake a nervous tick you've got what
it takes to make up for that silver medal you won in the geography
bee. I hear if you win the Special Olympics the medals are actually
chocolate wrapped in foil.
-Find Out Why They're Called "Boysenberries": For those of
you looking for a little Spring Break research project, and I know
you're out there, this last-minute idea is just for you. Long has
mankind wondered why boysenberries have that silly name that sounds
so much like "poisonberries." Not much of a selling point if you ask
me. Your research will probably take you to the grocery store, where
you will pester the savvy produce boy about this until he calls the
store detective, a burly Italian man with a receding hairline named
Antonio. At this point your fear of confrontation will prevent you
from proceeding any further, and the mystery lives on.
-Off-Topic Corner: Where do really tall people buy their
blankets? Because I'm five eleven and if I grow another inch I'm
going to have to find a special store. If I'm really lucky maybe
they'll have a huge gumball machine too; those are pretty keen.
-Forward Text-Heavy to All Your Friends: I know I've
suggested that readers of this column
don't have any friends but now's
your chance to prove me wrong. This Spring Break, tell everyone
you've ever met in your entire lifetime about this column. For your
convenience, I have included a sample email to go along with the
link you'll be sending around: "Hello friend/relative/parole
officer, it's me, the person writing this email! Long time no speak,
eh? Anyway, I found this really annoying racist Jewish Canadian kid
who thinks he's funny. Check it out! What a looser! Anyhows just
thought I'd pass it along of my own free will, without being prodded
to do so at all. It's so not funny he can't even give it away for
free. Well, back to surfing for furry porn." Thanks in advance.
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