A Primer on Surviving Imminent Financial Collapse in the U.S.

Sub-prime mortgages, credit default swaps, Lehman Brothers, Snooki, TARP funding.... Like teenagers, I don't understand these things, but I can unequivocally express my unease and unrelenting distain for them.  The course of the past 10 years, Afghanistan, Iraq, failing infrastructure, and silly bands are all warning signs of the approaching apocalypse and have led me to the inevitable conclusion that our nation is tumbling into the annals of history's vast collection of failed democracies. 

American economic collapseBut fear not, there are ways of making your way in the post-apocalyptic free market economy. Here are a few ways to start.

1. Liquidate Your Assets

You're probably thinking that home prices, GDP, and employment levels will bounce back in a few years and everything will return to normal. Well I hate to burst your housing bubble but you are obviously a retarded person. We are living in the end days! Haven't you read the bible? God you are so retarded.

This is what you need to do: step one, burn your house down. Step two, collect the homeowner's insurance and invest in gold bullion and conflict diamonds from the former Belgian Congo. This will be the new currency once The Great Collapse occurs.

Your loved ones are about to be thrust back into a hunter/gatherer lifestyle, and the only thing your teenage son can hunt is streaming porn.Warning: Make sure you actually own the property before you put a gas can in the microwave and run out into the street. I wish someone had told me that subletting a room doesn't entitle one to any financial recourse. Also, I'm sure a house is easier to burn to the ground than a 22-story condo complex in downtown Chicago. Those are my beginner mistakes; learn from them.

2. Resign Yourself to Economic Independence

Why the fuck would you pay a credit card company when they won't even exist in a few years? Jesus, you are retarded, I just can't stress that enough.

Find out what your credit limit is and buy as much petroleum, hunting equipment, and as many guns as possible. You and your loved ones are about to be violently thrust back into a hunter/gatherer lifestyle, and right now the only thing your teenage son can hunt is streaming porn, and the only thing your wife is gathering is weight. Which leads me to my final topic....

3. Liberate Yourself from Emotional Constraints

After The Great Collapse, food and shelter will be scarce. You will need to travel lightly. This means extraditing yourself from the old, feeble, and overweight people who will slow you down and get you killed and eaten by blood-hungry cannibals. That means the next time your portly sister-in-law invites you to Thanksgiving dinner, tell that fat fuck she can go fuck herself. That way, once the Rapture actually arises, you will not be burdened with trying to build a shelter in the woods with a woman who's spent the majority of her adult life sitting on a couch watching daytime soaps and eating leftovers from the Cheesecake Factory. This person is of little value to you except as a high-value, corn-fed, sex-slave bartering chip when trying to requisition a half jug of drinking water and some tomato seeds.

So before you ask the question, yes, if your son is in a wheelchair you should absolutely burn him to the ground and collect the insurance money. You can never have too much gold bullion.



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GE's picture

Favorite quote: "God you are so retarded."

Bill Dixon's picture

Oh that is a typo. What I meant to say is "You are so retarded, God."

GE's picture

The dual meaning was awesome. Even if it was a typo I'd keep it.

If you haven't been struck down don't worry about God's wrath. I'm pretty sure God would have turned you into a pillar of salt or something, had HE (definitely not she) cared.

What we see in God is a reflection of our selves and when we act retarded it's perfectly acceptable to say that God is acting retarded.

Couldn't you just eat the sister-in-law? I'm not sure she'd have much value as a sex slave.

Bill Dixon's picture

I thought about that too, and I guess you could just eat the sister-in-law. I think making sure you set the price right is the key, leave it to the consumer to determine what to do with the product.