Militant Simians Aren't Just Throwing Shit Anymore

Summer of 2006, I remember it as if it were three years ago. The world's eyes were trained on escalation in an age old Israeli/Lebanese conflict that would end in further pointless bloodshed. Ethiopia invaded Somalia in a move backed by the United States because the U.S. was gearing up for the release of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. If there is one thing the United States does know about Somalia it is that they have real pirates there and by god we're going to find out the correct way to pronounce "Caribbean" even if they do speak Somali.

However, while the rest of the world watched the conflicts ensuing and us Americans watched Johnny Depp on the big screen, we all missed something bigger. Bigger then a 2000-year-old religious conflict, bigger then a quest for a real pirate, bigger even than Johnny Depp. What escaped our gecko-like attention was the formation of one of the most disturbing and potentially dangerous militant groups this planet has ever seen.

I speak of course about the Mexican Monkey Army, or MMA for short: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mexicanmonkeyarmy

According to their website, "The Mexican Monkey Army is a militant group of monkeys who prefer Mexican food over all else." Claiming to be in charge of Mexican food worldwide, it is difficult to deny the influence these militarized primates may have over a wide array of issues both domestic and abroad. Their jihad is both simple and complex to its core: "To use monkeys and Mexican food to create a parody of political and pop culture in the past and today."

Whether or not they have mastered time travel is unclear, but regardless, I for one am freakin' terrified of monkeys that have the ability to travel through time and erase my very existence before I'm even born. Any monkey that even jokingly has the ability to threaten terrorist acts using time travel gets my full attention over those "further evolved primates" (otherwise known as humans) who are still killing each other over theoretical religious grounds.

This new threat led by "General Monkeywithtaco" has a clear mandate, which is to "restore Mexican food to its purest form one day," and by historical terrorism it seems. Conveyance of immediate military officer status of "COLONEL incognito burrito taquito enchirito monkey JR" (or "COL. IBTEM jr" for short) is apparently one of the draws of this new global and apparently temporal terror organization. Their claim is that people are "taking white people food, adding chili and cumin, and passing it off as Mexican food" and that "white and ethnic people tend to love it."

Now, as a so-called "white person" I can kind of see their point in that I have been to Taco Hell, and tasted what is essentially Chihuahua food on a lukewarm tortilla being marketed as Mexican food. The subterfuge in this is that by giving their "food" a four- or five-word unintelligible name, they believe that people will think it sounds authentic. In addition, making it fairly inexpensive leads one to order four or five items at a time, thus by the time you are done speaking the order, your tongue is already numb and will never know the difference once the "food" actually touches it. Throw in some fire sauce and all bets are off; you could just as easily be eating dirt on cardboard and you would think it was Mexican food you happily ordered.

Luckily for us humans, mobilization problems—which have always been an issue for the primates of this planet—have seemed to temporarily thwart their advancement. To date (three years from the formation of the MMA) they only have six members, averaging two a year by my count. In addition, they have thus far only focused their attention on Mexican culinary pursuits instead of joining with their brethren on a broader range of issues.

Apparently there are multiple militant primate organizations that I was unaware of until doing a little research. There is the aforementioned Mexican Monkey Army, but there is also the "Monkey Army," whose platform rests mainly on anti-animal testing but also includes abolition of exotic pets, monkey impersonations, and apparently the cessation of Britney Spears' voice, which drives howler monkeys insane (who knew?): http://themonkeyarmy.tripod.com

In addition, there is also another "Monkey Army." I know the names are a bit redundant, but we're talking about militant monkeys here not erudite professionals. The fact that they mastered time travel AND still have time to throw poo at each other clearly demonstrates that their "manpower" (now isn't that ironic) isn't going to the naming department of these organizations. Anyway, the Monkey Army (the other one) boasts skills and special powers that would rival most militaries of the world and they even have a Special Agent Ninja Monkey! Luckily, in a short-sighted evolutionarily rookie move, they also listed their weaknesses right alongside their special powers. Take note of the fatal flaws now, humans, because it won't take them long to quickly rectify this typical advancement error: http://www2.hawaii.edu/~bergen/monkeyarmy/who.html

Obviously there is a growing threat looming on the horizon and for now it seems to be contained due to the apparent primate inability to search the key phrase "Monkey Army" on the internet. Make no mistake though, there are other monkey armies out there and if they ever solve this mobilization road block I for one wouldn't want to cross their paths in the past, present, or future.

To ensure my safety and the safety of those close to me I decided to order a whole case worth of what I like to call a little militant simian aggression insurance policy. It is a well-known fact amongst primatologists that you should never make eye contact, lest it be interpreted as a form of aggression. When staring down the barrel of a high-powered rifle held by a highly trained militant monkey, one can never be too careful.