Skills I've Learned Playing The Sims 3

So, in my column two weeks ago I mentioned how little I've been doing this summer. Well, last week I decided to get off my ass and be interesting, so I contacted some friends and made plans and whatnot. Of course, it appears the world has doomed me to lameness, as immediately before I began my series of wacky adventures and mishaps, I was struck with a throat infection that I'm currently still fighting.

It's a bitch, because the antibiotics I'm taking leave me really dehydrated, but every time I take a sip of water it feels like my throat is being rubbed by glass-covered sandpaper. Talking is completely out of the question, and the codeine the doctor was kind enough to prescribe for the pain (which works decently, except that you're supposed to take one every eight hours, and the effects last for about three) leaves me too tired to move more than a couple times an hour.

Even Sims characters succumb to Judge Judy once in a while.After three straight hours of Judge Judy ripoffs (I'm at my mom's house for the summer, and she doesn't have cable), I like to take a little break and head over to my computer. These days my entertainment of choice, once I'm done reading the fine work on Points in Case, is The Sims 3. And thus we have the title of this article: stuff I've learned from that particular game, and, given the effects of the codeine, I can only assume is true in real life as well.

Mechanics

You can learn engineering skills by reading books or taking a class, but equally viable is tinkering with random household objects. Tinkering, in case you were wondering, involves taking a screwdriver to something until you break it.

Once you've broken something by tinkering with it, you can, of course, repair it yourself.

When you've gotten good at fixing things, you become endowed with skills like upgrading a stove to make food cooked on it taste better or changing the color of the fire in your fireplace (this is done using only a hammer). I know a whole lot of Stanford engineers, and none of them can do that; they should've spent less time in the classroom and more time tinkering with our microwave.

At any point while you're working on something, you can get electrocuted. Bad stuff. Luckily, all the negative effects of electrocution can be cured with a shower.

Sex

What's that?

Ooooh, you mean WooHoo.

It only lasts 15 seconds, but it's incredibly satisfying for both people involved and causes rose petals to rain from the ceiling.

If you want to have a child, there's no need for fertility doctors or quitting birth control, you just have to Try for Baby instead of WooHooing. Not sure what the difference is, since both happen under the covers and cause rose petals to rain, so be careful out there and make sure you don't do the wrong one.

Fire Safety

Stand as close to the fire as possible and scream.

Even if God orders you directly to go outside of the house so as not to burn to death, do so, but then immediately run back to the fire and resume screaming.

Maybe next week I'll manage to write about something outside of my computer, but don't count on that. Also, I think I used to put funny videos so as to leave you with positive thoughts about my writing by taking advantage of other people's comedy. On that note, here's one from the fine people at 5secondfilms.com: