Never Had a Blumpkin

Upon his throne of white he sat,
Thinking of pleasures he'd never felt,
For though many times the boy had shat,
He'd never done it while a lady knelt.

He wondered what it must be like
To drop the kids off at the pool.
He'd wondered since he was but a tyke
How it would feel with a girl's mouth on his tool.

But on that very same Tuesday,
He decided to go where he'd never been.
No longer would the other boys call him gay
Just because he'd never had a blumpkin.

He opened up the yellow pages,
Searched for the finest money could buy.
The first number he called seemed to ring for ages,
And the girl that answered sounded quite like a guy.

He quickly dialed the next set of digits,
And Sheryl answered the phone.
But he realized the number was for midgets,
And those things are just freaky as fuck.

I shall try this phone book only one more time,
He thought, and searched it line by line
Until he found a girl who seemed just sublime.
He told her to come; she'd be there by nine.

Sooner than he expected, his doorbell rang,
And he sprinted to answer the door.
But he couldn't help but mutter, "dang"
When he saw it was a slant-eyed whore.

He threw her out, yelled, "Eat a dog!"
And went back into his room to think.
Surely, the next will look like a hog,
He thought, and cursed the stupid chink.

His plan wouldn't work; he needed another.
If he didn't hurry, he'd soon stain his sheets.
So he dialed his most trusted brother,
Who said, "To get a whore, go to the streets!"

So he hopped into his '93 Honda Accord,
And did 80 until he hit the city.
He checked his wallet for what he could afford,
Then went to find himself some titty.

He drove hastily from corner to corner,
Not stopping for fear of getting carjacked by a black man.
It seemed like every girl was a dirty foreigner,
From Mexico, China, or Turkmenistan.

Finally he saw something that caught his eye,
And made him quickly turn his head.
Her skin was soft, her heels were high,
And he thought this girl he might just wed.

He pulled up his car, rolled down the glass.
"You looking for a good time?" she inquired.
"How much will you cost me, you fine young lass?"
"It will be two hundred dollars; I'm quite desired."

He talked her down to one fifty, and she got in the car.
He tried to make small talk but couldn't conceal his erection.
He told her his house wouldn't be far,
And soon she'd be able to show her affection.

He made a left and a right then pulled up the drive.
The two got out and he led her to the door.
In his life, he'd never felt more alive,
Than when he showed the bathroom to this whore.

"Wouldn't you rather do it in the bedroom?" she asked, looking annoyed.
"No, it must be in here; I have a special request."
He explained it slowly, every second enjoyed,
But she was sure this man must be in jest.

He convinced her that this was his one true desire,
And she finally said yes, but the price was double.
So he grabbed the cash his parents hid in a spare tire,
For the money seemed like nothing after all of his trouble.

He pulled down his trousers and sat again on his throne,
The whore got on her knees and on his cock spit.
But fate was against him, though he was about to be blown,
For he had not realized - he didn't need to shit.




More from Points in Case
Popular Around the Web



Stacy's picture

can't wait to see you turn this into the next youtube sensation...

Great blumpkin poem, you should let me post it on http://www.blumpkin.com. :)