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This time next week at college campuses around the country, students
will be preparing for the annual Halloween celebrations that have
become part and participle to college life. At its worst, Halloween
is just another excuse to party. At its best however, Halloween
becomes the ultimate showcase for the delicate female psyche.
What you're probably expecting at this point is for me to launch off into
some lengthy (and consequently eloquent) diatribe about the perilous fate of
women and their role in Halloween celebrations. Unfortunately, this topic has
been beat to death more than Gaudio’s mother’s labia. Besides, we can all agree
that deep down inside,
women are all whores, and Halloween is just an excuse for women to be
themselves for a night. So with that said, I have attempted to focus my immense
mental acumen on determining what a girl’s costume can tell you about how she is
in the sack.
"Couples outfits are no man’s land, unless you like sword
fighting." Let's begin by defining the parameters of this intensive
scientific study. I have heard on multiple occasions that a woman’s
chances of getting hit on are curtailed by the attire she wears. For
example, you have a higher chance of taking advantage of a woman in
a skirt than a woman in jeans. Let's take this a step further
though. If the previous strand of logic holds true, then you have a
higher chance of fucking a woman in a promiscuous schoolgirl outfit
than a girl dressed as a princess. This is because, much like a
skirt provides easier access to the region in question than does a
pair of jeans, you have a better chance of fucking an actual
schoolgirl than say, the Princess of Wales.
Furthermore, the amount of skin visible, expressed as a percentage of total
skin surface area, is directly connected to a girl’s level of fuckability. With
that in mind, a girl dressed as a sexy Pilgrim is much more sexually viable than
a girl dressed as a Catholic nun, but oddly enough is nearly equivalent to that
of
a girl dressed as a slutty Pocahontas. Closely related to this principle,
any girl wearing spandex where they could be showing skin isn't putting out,
unless you've already hit it.
Couples outfits are no man’s land, unless you like sword fighting. Group
outfits however, are the ultimate prize. Scientists in my native land of Sweden
have concluded that if a man is able to fornicate with a girl who came dressed
in coordination with other girls (examples: cheerleaders, school girls,
Victoria’s Secret Angels), the chances of an orgy breaking out increase a
staggering 400%. Oddly enough, the group costume that increases these chances
the most is the Fruit of the Loom lineup.
Any girl who neglects to wear a slutty costume, for say, comedic or religious
reasons, is still a whore…she just isn't confident enough in her body image to
keep up with her similarly slutty counterparts. The exception to this rule: any
fat girl with boobs on her back.
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Overall, with these tools of the trade in mind, you should quickly be able to
disseminate each girl’s relative level of sexual promiscuity at whatever
Halloween party you attend. I challenge any one of my readers to utilize these
rules to achieve orgasmic bliss come the witching hour on October 31st.
Furthermore, as my reader base is both highly motivated and well
read, I have developed a point system to determine the ultimate
winner:
100 pts to anyone who bangs a girl dressed as Amy Winehouse, simply
‘cause that bitch is ugly.
250 pts to anyone who has sex with
a girl whose costume matches theirs (i.e. a priest with a nun, a cowboy with
a native American or cowgirl, a sumo wrestler with a Taiwanese whore).
500 pts to anyone who achieves an orgy with all five ring holders and
Captain Planet.
750 pts to anyone who has sex with a girl in a gorilla costume (50 pts
extra if you can implement the bushel of bananas, 300 more if it's the girl I
was talking about earlier with boobs on her back).
Bonus points:
1000 pts for anyone who has sex with a character that is their
costume’s enemy (i.e.
a police officer with a criminal, Venom and Mary Jane, Bowser and Princess
Peach).
200 pts for every time you can get a girl to speak in her character’s
voice/dialect during sex.
Point tallies can be sent to
marine@pointsincase.com.
Slutty costumes
can be purchased here (before you forget, sluts).
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