Red Velvet Cookie Dough
So this dude named Barry and this dude named Mitt decided to talk on television because elections are a thing and they are having one and I don’t really care because I’m not allowed to vote because technically one little plant was enough to get me convicted of a felony which is totally uncool but my girlfriend still gets to vote because apparently those who hate the system enough to violate the status quo are specifically denied the ability to affect the status quo through legal means. It’s all pretty harsh but whatever man.
I recently got a cat.
Now I don’t really like cats but I don’t really hate them and they’re easier than dogs because you don’t have to walk them but you can’t teach them to get you a beer which is a bummer because sometimes that kitchen just seems so far away and I’m often torn between the long walk and the irresistible lure of a cold man-soda, you know what I’m saying (I take it for granted that you know what I’m saying so don’t ask me what I’m saying—I hate that).
My cat’s name is Mittens because I let my girlfriend name it because if we ever break up she can totally have it because I often forget to feed animals and that can be real bad for the animals and for me because I’m pretty sure cat neglect is like a crime nowadays. Also, Mittens is black with two white front paws which is why she said she named him Mittens and so now she’s now thinking of voting for Mitt Romney.
I don’t really like politics because politics are a drag and all that but I asked my girl if she was really gonna vote from Romney because of a cat name coincidence and she said something about that debate and how Romney won it and she doesn’t think Barry kept his promises and even though no politician ever keeps their promises she’s all disappointed in Barry because she thought he would keep his promises because he seemed like such a nice and caring guy and then in the debates he just seemed disinterested and she likes her president to be interested and then I kind of stopped listening because South Park was totally doing that episode where Eric Cartman met Honey Boo Boo and that shit was hilarious.
Oh, and I know this is off topic, but I saw on the internet how a dude ground up Doritos in one of those sea salt grinders and created a totally awesome new condiment. Now that’s the kind of dude I would vote for president if I was allowed to vote for president but I’m not because of laws but whatever.
My girlfriend has huge tits.
I mean, they are like honey-doo melons and one of my favorite things to do is lick food off them when I’m high because I get the love vibe and the taste vibe at the same time and that is some wicked ass good feeling but the last time I was licking her she asked me to stop and we had this real deep talk about where the relationship was going and why I still work at a bar even though she met me while I was working at that bar and she said that I need to get a better job.
Now, finding a new job will be kind of tough because I’m a felon with no college degree and not much experience at anything besides playing the guitar and cooking omelets (I make the sickest omelets this side of everywhere, bitches) so I told my girlfriend to vote for the president who will do the best at getting me one of those health-insurance-providing office gigs and she said that she would try her best but she wasn’t entirely sure that it was the president’s responsibility to get me a job.
And then I remembered I had some dank hydro from when my boy Kiel was in town and my girl and I partook and then baked some cookies together and had hot sex after I ate raw cookie dough from her cleavage and I thought, as I was laying in her bed afterwards, stroking Mittens and staring out the window at an old white bum who always swears he used to work for the CIA, that maybe someone should find a way to combine cookie dough with that red velvet cake flavor.
I went to tell my girlfriend my new cookie flavor idea but she was already passed out so I covered her with a blanket and walked all the way to the kitchen and popped a beer and the television was on and that Mitt dude was insulting that Barry dude because they both want to be president so I changed the channel to Adult Swim and just chilled the rest of the evening.
Fucking politics man. Shit makes you think.
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