1. Take that job as Secretary of State and get out of the house.

Check that off! Go get ’em Rexy!

2. Fix the damn sprinkler system at the north end of the Bartonville Ranch.

Seriously, this one has been on your list for ages, Rex.

3. Invite Wayne Tracker and his wife over for dinner.

You’re always talking about him in your office when you think I’m not listening. He sounds like he really knows about the environment. I would love to pick his brain about all these ice storms Texas has been having.

4. Roll over your Exxon 401k.

I know, I know this one isn’t fun. The account may only have a couple million in bonds, but with all those nearly tax-free stocks we sold netting us over $230 million, I’m worried about our financial future. Government salaries are so… low. And you know how I am on the phone with bank people.

It’s like what your momma always said, God rest her soul, “Bankers are out to swindle young mares out of their oats and high-yield bonds.”

5. Tell your boss you are worth his respect.

You may be too proud, but you don’t deserve the way you have been treated. You can talk to Donny one on one and I know you will make you feel better. Tell him how it made you feel when he changed his entire foreign policy position over Twitter while you were in the air and unable to keep up with his feed.

It’s tough going from the head honcho to being a number 2. What do I always say? “If you don’t punch the hog in the nose he’ll make complex international decisions without you.”

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6. Finally take that trip to Moscow you promised me.

You always say, “Next time, Renda. I promise.” Or, “This is a business only trip, Renda. You would just stay in the hotel the whole time.” Or that time you went over with Donny and came home and told me, “Oh that smell… it’s… uh from Vladimir’s dogs’ pee. They got so excited when they saw me and lost their danggone bladders. It’s definitely not human and this is not lipstick on my shirt.”

I bought this parka and even with these Texas ice storms I haven’t been able to use it. Like Uncle John Bob always said, “Unused fine genuine fur coats are no better than urine soaked bed sheets.”

7. Make nice with that Andrea Mitchell reporter lady.

Rex Wayne Tillerson, you are too goddamn old to be feuding with that nice young lady Andrea Mitchell. Just cause she was asking you real head scratcher questions and people like Bill O’Reilly are calling her dog-whistle sexist terms like “unruly” don’t mean you can’t make nice.

Like MeMa always said, “If you don’t answer a pesky woman’s questions the chickens will never lay eggs and the mainstream media will label you a sexist.”

Love,
Renda

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