Any player who just leaves his shopping cart in the Target parking lot instead of walking it back to the shopping cart corral will be fined $10,000. Players must respect all authority, including corporate cart return policies. Also, players who use the self-checkout lines at Target without really knowing how to do so and end up taking too long will have to pay for the merchandise of those they have inconvenienced.

All NFL staff must be given proper respect and deference. Players who don’t even have to courtesy to tell the man waiting to squirt Gatorade in their mouth when they come off the field will be fined $3000. Also, players are encouraged to reuse their cups on the sideline. Lastly, players who take, like, 20 napkins and then use, like, just two napkins and throw away the other 18 will be ejected from the game.

All kickers must wear the Ivanka Trump Liah Slingback Block-Heel Pumps available at Macy’s for $89.99. These pumps add modern sophistication and alluring flair with mixed textures, block heel styling, and a d’Orsay silhouette.

In an effort to add a little refinement to the game and generally emphasize the subservience of the players, players on visiting teams shall be required to use coasters in home teams’ locker rooms or sidelines. Teams will be penalized 5 yards for every water ring mark left on any wooden credenzas, coffee tables, benches, or console tables. These penalties will be doubled if any of the furniture is made from cherry or mahogany. Penalties will be applied during the second half of each game after the special Water Ring Task Force examines each visiting team’s locker room. Also, teams who do not clear the microwave numbers on the microwaves in the locker room will be penalized 10 yards.

Any player who points at his wrist while he asks someone the time will be ejected from the game. That is just a personal pet peeve of Roger Goodell and really, who can blame him? It is really annoying.

Coaches who, when referring to a player’s motivation, ambition, determination and/or perseverance, use the term “110%” or any percent higher than 100—which is the highest percent that there can be in such a context—will be fined $20,000.

Players have until the third week in January to remove Christmas lights from their homes. Players who still have their Christmas lights up in the third week in January will be fined $100 for each white light, $250 for each colored light, and $500 for each light that twinkles. Also, players are discouraged from having lawn ornaments of any kind. And from giving their kids weird names.

Players who give out fruit or popcorn or dimes or toothbrushes or anything but candy at Halloween will be fined $50,000.

Players are encouraged to point to the sky after scoring provided they make it clear they point to said sky because they believe in the centrality of the conversion or the “born again” experience in receiving salvation, in the authority of the Bible as God’s revelation to humanity, in spreading the Christian message, and that the essence of the Gospel consists of the doctrine of salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ's atonement. Any player who points to the sky without making it clear they do so because they believe in the centrality of the conversion or the “born again” experience in receiving salvation, in the authority of the Bible as God’s revelation to humanity, in spreading the Christian message, and that the essence of the Gospel consists of the doctrine of salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ's atonement shall be fined $5000.


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