Good afternoon. Today we’re here to discuss the new tax bill: a plan for all Americans. It’s yuge. Bigly!

Ha ha. Okay, moving on.

In order to pass the tax bill, we just needed to convince you that it’s good for America. Even though we were unable to convince you, we decided it was the best deal we could give the middle class.

In addition, we feel pretty sure that we have the numbers on how this stuff works out. No one agrees with us, but we know fake news when we see it!

Just kidding, really. My colleagues informed me that I should attempt more humor during these press briefings. I think that went over well. YOLO!

Okay, moving on.

It’s true that most of the right-leaning, left-leaning, and independent-leaning budget offices came out against this plan. As did many advocacy groups, hospitals, veterans associations, and most of the human beings in the country.

Human beings—ha! That was some more off-the-cuff humor.

Hospitals actually spoke against both of our key legislative efforts this year, but we really have a gut feeling on the tax bill—just like we did with our last piece of legislation. Even though that one failed, we feel more strongly about this one.

All of our constituents support us on the new bill, by the way. You know, the NRA, prisons, countries where, perhaps, someone has offshore money—totally legal. And uh… some foreign banks, but never mind that. We’re bringing that money back in. Repatriating it, so to speak.

We understand that there have been some concerns about how this historic piece of legislation will affect every hardworking American, and we want to let the people know that we’re here to assuage their fears: you’re getting a tax cut. That’s just a fact. Now it might not last long, but we have confidence that Congress will do the right thing in the future and maybe hand the middle class another bone.

We’ve also made it easier for corporations to compete internationally, and, if I might add, did some nice things for small businesses. And let me tell ya, we love small businesses. They’ll thank us for this.

Now, we assure you that this isn’t some crazy trickle-down economic scheme. We understand that there was backlash when we tried this before, but let me be the first to say that we’ve learned from everyone else’s mistakes from the past.

I’ll repeat that for emphasis: We. Have. Learned. From. The. Mistakes. Of. The Past. We have! And the fact is, we all made mistakes, especially everyone else.

What we’re doing, even though our colleagues won’t admit this, is enacting sweeping deregulation that will make it easier for us to get paid. We need to keep that revolving door greased.

That's some lobbying humor. Okay, moving on.

So, all America needs to know is that this is pro-economic growth legislation. Portfolios will grow and it will be easier for us, all of us, to make and save money here at home. This will create a self-perpetuating cycle of growth, actually. Far more magical than voodoo economics, by the way.

But seriously, praise be to the old gipper.

Anyways, with more money in the pockets of corporate investors, business owners, and entrepreneurs they’ll be able to invest in their businesses and hire more people.

Did I mention that this was S.E.L.F. perpetuating?

Finally, in order to make this thing work we need to be able to feed the economy somehow. To do this, we’ll need to literally feed the economy babies. We need women to pump out at least three kids each, perhaps four. There’s a lot of us retiring and not enough of the younger generation paying for our retirement, so we require a tithe of human babies.

Now, we’re not about to take away your freedoms, or even tell you what to do, but it is scientifically impossible for women to work full-time and carry out this essential task. You may have to choose a different lifestyle—like a professional career as a homemaker. Let us men do the boring work of running the country and making policy.

Too far? Of course we’re not going to literally feed babies into the economy! It was a metaphor. We’re fond of metaphors, literature, and, you know, the arts. We really are.

Look, all joking aside, we passed this legislation to make the lives of every American, or at least most of you, better. “Many” would be a more precise word, actually. Well, it’s important to understand that this is a job creating bill. For job creators! Lots of people will benefit.

Lastly, I wasn’t kidding about the babies. Women, this is on you. Start pumping ‘em out.

With that, I’ll take your questions.


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