“With soy milk?’’

“Sure.”

Crap! Crap! Crap! Brain, you idiot, what did you just do? You don’t want soy milk. Why did you say that?

Ok, you can fix this. Just say you don’t actually want it. No, that’ll make you look dumb. But I really don’t wanna pay six dollars for a drink I don’t want. I feel like a ferret trapped in a doggy door.

Hold on. OH NO!!! She marked the cup. Now if you say something she’ll have to get a new one, and that’ll be super awkward.

Just get it with soymilk. How bad could it be?

What’s your name? You know this. Come on. You got in the 52nd percentile on the ACT, you can remember your name.

Wait wait wait. Did she just ask something else? Oh no, she’s looking at you. She totally did. What did she ask? Something about espresso? No, this is a smoothie. Come on, she’s looking at you. There’s a long line. Just go for it.

“Yes.”

“Hmmm?”

“Yes?”

“Uhhh… name?”

“Oh, haha. Sorry.”

Crap on my grandfather’s grave!!! That was the wrong answer. This is more embarrassing than that time you spilled Mountain Dew Code Red in your uncle’s rented Kia Optima.

All right, now answer. ANSWER. What’s your name? You know this. Come on. You got in the 52nd percentile on the ACT, you can remember your name. How do you introduce yourself? Hello my name is… Earl? No, that’s not it. Ok, just make up a fake name. Yeah! That’ll work.

“Pink.”

FRRRRRIIIICCCKKKK!!! That’s not a name.

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“What?”

“Uh… Pete.”

“Ok Pete. Your total is $6.47.”

Oh no. When she sees your card she’s gonna see your real name. Just use cash. Crap, no cash…

Walk out. Yeah, just walk out. No one can stop you. Take life by the horns and walk through those double doors like an empowered 80’s businessman. Here we go and—

“Ok, here you go.”

You just handed her your card. She’s looking at you funny. You’re definitely not gonna be able to come back to this Starbucks. Oh my god, this is the fifth coffee shop this has happened at, you idiot. Maybe you should get a Keurig…

Yeah, you’d probably mess that up too.

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