Walmart has better prices. Kohl’s has better selection. Target has hotter moms. If poetry could also smell like mid-priced perfume, it would be a hot mom shopping at Target.

Is it the convenience? Is it coincidence? Is it the fact that desk furniture, hygiene products, and cereal bars are all in the same place? Unfortunately, that just doesn’t add up. Otherwise hot moms would shop at Walmart and Kmart too.

What if, on a long shot, Target prognosticated the unpredictable surge in "cougar" popularity among lascivious young males? Could it be the overabundance of Diet Snapple at the checkout counter? I’ve seen many middle-aged women drinking that as if it was sparkling water from Sweden. Diet Snapple goes with hot moms like yoga pants and mini-vans—as if it was some sort of MomNip.

Unless…

Holy shit.

The third and final possibility. Something so odd, yet so plausible that revealing it could open the vortex to the retail industry’s greatest trade secret. A trade secret that has leveraged Target to the forefront. Something so obvious, I wonder "why didn’t I think of this myself," yet also something so genius it makes my brain throb just as much as my auxiliary sexual organs when I think about what goes on at Target.

MomNip.

Hot mom shopping at a Target store holding plastic bags
"I’m nippin’ out!!"

You’ve heard of Nepeta Cataria, the feline-attractant commonly known as "Catnip." Well someone, somewhere deep in Target R&D has successfully synthesized it into a compound that draws luscious moms from lengthy radiuses… MomNip. How else can you explain Target’s massive maternal popularity in light of ridiculous price mark-ups, inferior office supplies, and low thread count bed sheets? Rack your brain. Come back empty. Then nod in agreement with my crude hottie hypothesis.

But just what are these scalding hot moms shopping for? Whenever I’m at Target, I see stunning women adorned in luxurious Lulu Lemon that you couldn’t buy there even if you were Kathy Fucking Ireland herself. I see these lovely ladies gliding across the floor in their Skechers Shape-Ups. Preoccupied with life. Running errands while getting a workout. Not noticing me noticing them in their Skechers. Looking so smart. Being so hot. Absolutely no correlation between the contents of one shopping cart to another.

It all comes back to a now foregone logical conclusion: MomNip. A secret without a trademark. For if it had a trademark, I could think of a few:

  • MILF Nectar
  • Bosom Pulp
  • 40+ Pheromones
  • Magic Mom Formula #9
  • Magic Mom Formula Number Ten

Target knows what it’s doing. Perhaps this was all planned. Perhaps this recent bosomy bastion resulted from years of market research and study. It makes me wonder…

What if, back in the uncertain times of 1991, R&D at Target discovered a dwindling male patronage. Seeing that a large department chain such as themselves could not thrive from just customers of one sex, they strategized that in order to get the men, they must first lure the women. But not just any women—hot, mom women.

What if, on a long shot, Target prognosticated the unpredictable surge in "cougar" popularity among lascivious young males? What if they anticipated the linguistic acceptance of the word "MILF" (long before John Cho uttered it in American Pie) and thrust it into pop culture lexicon? And from there, decided to narrowly market to hot moms, knowing guys with skewed libidos would surely follow suit. Proving case in point, that most guys are really just horny hamsters spinning wheels of sexual fantasy if they’re shopping at Target, because even they know they could get a way better desk lamp at IKEA.

Target banked on the ultimate ulterior motive, executed, and hit windfall. It was flawless. It was brilliant.

So hand it to Target, because nothing puts smiles in the aisles quite like foxy moms shopping for discount cardigans. And maybe this isn’t as much of an exposé as it is a confession from men. An honest recital of something I’ve known for a long time. Heterosexual men don’t care about prices, discounts, quality, or values. We just don’t want Target to ruin a beautiful thing.

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